Just found your website, and thank you! It’s wonderful!

I’m a new pastor, living in XX. (A new climate and culture for me- that’s relevant.) I’m having a blast shopping thrift and creating cute new outfits for myself- ask me sometime about how working with transgender women has given me permission to do this. But it is time for me to re-evaluate my make-up routine, both for professional reasons, and because my [new city's] dry heat in winter, gosh-awful humidity in the summer is doing awful things to my face.

But I have no earthly clue how to start with new make-up, esp on a budget! When I shop for myself at drugstores, I invariably come home with some color that doesn’t work *at all.* I’d love to get a make-over, but am scared of both the price and the scrutiny. Does one just walk up to a make-up counter at a department store and ask? Am I then obligated to buy their expensive stuff?

One other “help!” question I’ve yet to find on your site- I’m often invited, in my pastoral role, to go to drag bars, or places other than my seminary profs pictured me, to watch parishoners perform, or generally do what my church calls “beer evangelism.” I think this is wonderful! But haven’t a clue what to wear. I’m hyper-conscious that some folks may feel judged if I come across as too middle-class or uptight, but also don’t want to be believable as a pastor when introduced as such. I’ve considered dark jeans, black heeled boats, black leather blazer, and a cute v-neck underneath. Can you help?

Dear Newbie,
How lovely to hear from you, and thank you for loving BTFM! We love you right back!

Let me take your inquiries one at a time:

1. Moving to a new climate almost always creates problems with the hair and complexion. You may find it useful to stick with the most gentle products for awhile (Cetaphil cleanser, fragrance-free moisturizers and eye cream) to let your skin calm down. Stay hydrated. Do not panic and start slapping all kinds of chemical treatments on your face, which will only exacerbate problems: stick to a simple routine of cleansing, moisturizing and gently exfoliating. Use a good eye cream and sunscreen year-round. See the BTFM archives for TONS of product reviews of skin care products.

2. Don’t fear the make-over, but don’t go in for one unless you’re in an up and confident mood — confident enough to enjoy the suggestions you’re getting and to resist any hard sells. I know there’s a Sephora in your city; schedule a day and go get a make-over and play, play, play! Again, you’ll find tons of make-up tips and reviews in the archives here. It takes time to get to know what works for you, and there’s absolutely zero reason to buy expensive make-up when drugstore versions often do the job as well or better. I think that ALLURE magazine does a really good job teaching make-up tips to ordinary working women, while other fashion mags are much more fanciful with their looks. My list of the make-up basics would include a base for evening-out skin tone (I rarely use it on the entire face, just on ruddy areas), a loose powder and fluffy brush to clean up shinies, a neutral blush (look at Nars Orgasm for a universally flattering shade unless you have dark black skin), lipstick or gloss, eye shadow or liner, and mascara. As a 40-something gal, I am also very devoted to skin illuminating products, but I think you’re years away from needing those!
You can buy lipsticks and glosses from Wet ‘N’ Wild for under $3 each, which can start you off finding colors you like without making a huge investment. Ask friends if you can try their make-up on. Learn which brands highly pigment their products and which don’t (I, for instance, have often been furious to see that a lipstick that looked so pretty in its packaging wore as almost totally sheer on the lips). EXperiment, darling! Make-up knowledge takes time to develop. I’m a true cosmetics hound and even I make bummer purchases now and then, even with extensive knowledge of hundreds of brands and formulas.

3. I think you included a typo when you wrote of not wanting to be believable as a pastor when introduced as such. I think you meant that you DO want to be believable as a pastor. And my dear, nothing can do that you but your own belief that you are a real, live pastor. Clap your hands if you believe in pastors!! You’re not Tinkerbell, lambkins. You’re a minister. Wear what you like, and don’t try too hard or worry too much about how others see you. For instance, I think that a black leather jacket is a bit of overkill with the outfit you describe (unless you already have a leather jacket you love) and if I was a biker I might grin and think you were trying pretty hard to make me like you. If you’re middle-class, be middle class. If you don’t want to seem uptight and judgmental, let your demeanor take care of that, not your clothes. There’s a big difference between being thoughtful, respectful and appropriate with your clothing and taking them on as a kind of costume that “allows” you to be present to a community of folks, wherever they happen to be.

Your calling (ie, your vocation) is your calling card, not your clothes. And yes, I think jeans and a cute V-neck and blazer or jacket with boots sounds terrific. Add a genuine smile, a listening ear and eye contact to that combo and I’m sure you’ll be welcome wherever you go. Blessings, dear.

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Similarly, if you preside at worship with a colleague who is also an age peer, and he looks terrific and vibrant and snappy and you look drab and like you simply rolled out of bed, brushed your flat, badly-cut hair, put on the ugliest shoes you could find and came to church, you’re going to invite inevitably unfavorable comparisons. As in, “Yowks. He obviously has a following here and is loving this ministry. The other one, though… clearly second-class citizen on the ministry staff.”

We should never, ever announce by drab appearance that we feel like a second-class citizen in any ministry. Or if you must, why not just wear a sign around your neck? “MY COLLEAGUE IS THE CHARISMATIC, WELL-GROOMED ONE THAT YOU’D PREFER TO LOOK AT AND LISTEN TO. PLEASE PAY NO ATTENTION TO ME. I DON’T REALLY BELONG UP HERE.”

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And here I am after a bit of base to even out the skin tone, some creme blush, eyeliner, mascara and lippy. My hair is obviously down. Total time to apply = 4 minutes.

Yes, I am smiling in the second shot and that makes a difference (I love that in the Before and After ads and mag articles, the Before shot almost always looks like a mug shot at the very best: hunched shoulders, miserable expression, bad lighting), but the lighting and setting are the same. The specs don’t make any difference IMHO.

Which person would you rather see walk into the room of your nursing home for a visit?

BTFM would LOVE to see your Before and After shots! It’s fun! Send ‘em in (use the Need Help? link to send me e-mails with attachments).

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We dedicated a sweet little boy this morning (dedication is the Unitarian Universalist rite for blessing and naming babies and, in the case of our congregation, welcoming them into the covenanted community as children of the church). After a dedication I always take the baby around the church so people can see him or her up close. The baby always gurgles happily, the choir sings, people get teary-eyed and it’s just really lovely. This little guy was too old to carry and hold up, so I led him around by the hand. He’s not waving in this photo but he waved at everyone and they waved back and someone took this photo with his i-phone.

That Buster Brown suit and the chumbly knees are going to make me happy for like, the next decade. I don’t even mind any more that I’ll undoubtedly be stuck wearing huge ugly snow boots for the next sixteen weeks.

Happy new year, pigeons!

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The Associate Minister’s photo is a smaller head-shot that features a shadowed face with flushed, sweaty complexion, bedraggled hair and a bit of body apparently clad in a rumpled cotton tank top.

This is really, really not okay. It was shocking, in fact. The contrast between the two images was actually disturbing, as though these two people existed on a different planet of self-respect and clergy image.

If you are in a multi-staff ministry, is there consistency among the images on your website? And that includes the entire staff, from secretarial to janitorial. If folks are featured on the website, they ought to be photographed equally well and with the same degree of formality. You should see to it.

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Dear PeaceBang,
I recently attended a workshop where I was the lone Congregationalist minister among a group of amazing Episcopal women priests and rectors. Dress was casual, so I wore slacks, a twin set, a cute scarf, flats, and modest jewelry. What struck me was how all these (middle aged) women of accomplishment, personal beauty, etc., wives and mothers all, at this meeting dressed in ways that utterly negated their femininity: very short cropped off hair, very baggy sweaters/shirts/pants, sensible shoes, and most of them badly needed a bra intervention. It was as if they were trying to look like honorary men to be in their field. It bothered me enormously. Surely, this is not progress! I’d be interested in your comments on this phenomenon.

Dear Amazed,
This is the phenomenon to which PeaceBang, in her own irreverent manner, is constantly calling our attention.
I don’t think this is so much about trying to be “honorary men,” but about these worthy women being afraid to be polished and put-together, not knowing how to be, or having internalized the pernicious and naive message that “those things” don’t matter.

As PeaceBang is always, always affirming, those things DO matter. They matter tremendously. Drab, aggressively sexless, sartorially clueless people in any profession make a statement by their very presence, and that statement is not a good one. Some of the non-verbal statements such appearance makes are:

1. I do not want anyone to look at me.
2. I don’t deserve attention; being noticed is something I am not prepared to accept and a responsibility I do not want.
3. I am harmless; in fact, I am passive. The world is happening around me and I hope to be invisible in it.
4. I don’t care. I occupy an alternative universe where appearance doesn’t matter — and if you notice that I am frumpy, it must be because you are not as holy as I am.
5. (similar) You should be enlightened enough not to be distracted by my terrible clothing and ill-fitting undergarments: what’s the matter with you? This isn’t my problem, but yours.
6. Please do not mistake me for a leader. Isn’t it obvious from my demeanor and my attire that I have no desire to represent any ideal higher than that of personal comfort? If there were camera crews outside covering today’s event, my on-camera appearance would immediately communicate to the public that nothing of real importance happens in here.

I have been writing this column for several years now, and it makes me sad to hear these reports. It makes me sad that so many clergywoman still write me letters accusing me of being materialistic and sexist and judgmental when really, I’m just reporting how public image works and is interpreted in the dominant culture. If religious leaders want to have a positive influence in the world, it really helps if we understand — and accept — how the world works. As always, it depends where your ministry is. I am writing mostly for parish ministers located in secular communities where the Church is seen as a quaint, easy-to-ignore institution that dabbles in good works and engages in arcane rituals of no interest to sophisticated, intelligent people. Being insistently invisible and schlubby in our appearance is just another way to validate that image.

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Dear PeaceBang,

I have been assoc. pastor for 4 1/2 months for a local XXX church parish. Four churches. I switch off preaching to two of them with the senior pastor every two weeks.

Shortening this up a lot, here’s the deal: I have MANY clothes from my past 35 years of teaching, ending spring of ‘09, in my closet. I have started pulling out the more “serious” pieces for worship services, meetings, etc., but I still have many colorful shirts and tops which do not look particularly “pastorly.” Okay, so what do I do about tops I LOVE which have some sequins on the front to accent a colorful Parisian scene, for example? I hate to rid myself of these pieces I love, but at the majority of places I go, I wish to maintain my new status in my appearance– by what I wear. What is too flashy for women pastors? I still wear my cargo pants but also use more classic tops, in that case. Seems one distinctive piece at a time might work, though not cargos and sequins on the shirt together. I have many nice blazers and jackets for colder seasons in the Midwest. I do loathe the idea of dressing nicer than my parishioners, though in this rural area, some women (and many men) are accustomed to wearing jeans to Sunday services. I’ve worn a skirt every Sunday since I started in July though I could happily wear pants each Sunday in winter if given the green light. (Haven’t asked.) I don’t want to dump a lot of stuff, since I like my (past life) wardrobe a lot.

So,Victoria, just some fashion guidelines for this rookie pastor would be helpful. I’ll be a fairly youthful [50-something] next month and am not attending seminary or other schooling as of yet, since I have this step called CANDIDACY to accomplish before doing so.

Please take your time on this. Appearance conveys such an image–an unspoken message–to others! I hope to show I am appropriately and modestly clothed (no cleavage, for sure) and not obviously trying to get visual attention, yet individualistic in my self-expression. I work with the parish youth group also, many previously my students in junior high and high school, and they respond well to jeans on teachers and spiritual leaders alike, I’ve found. BTW, my husband thinks I look great in everything, bless his heart.

Shalom,
[Newbie Pastor]

Dear Newbie!
OH NO! What terrible news! You have PERSONALITY and an individual sense of STYLE!!
Just kidding you, kiddo.

This is a great letter, and I appreciate the accompanying photos that show you to be a petite, vibrant-looking lady who is in great shape and has a sense of fun with her clothes.

As you know, I agree wholeheartedly with you that your new image as a pastor is one that you want to take seriously and craft with intention, and I therefore commend you for taking a long look at your wardrobe and choosing judiciously from among your more colorful and even eccentric pieces. As you have intuited, one stand-out piece per outfit is a very good general guideline. So if you want to wear that hypothetical zebra print jacket, pair it with very tailored other pieces and make sure you’re wearing it for an appropriate occasion where “fun” or “wild” wouldn’t seem bizarre and/or distracting.

PeaceBang loves her some sequins but can’t think of one church event at which sequins would make any sense at all. She advises you to save them for nights out with your supportive and wonderful hubby. They’re just too flashy for the pastor’s wardrobe, even with a jacket over them and black pants.

As for dressing “nicer” than your parishioners, I wonder if you could think of it as dressing for work, while your parishioners are dressed for a day of rest? In other words, if you are in a suit and silk scarf on Sunday mornings and they are in jeans, are you really dressing “nicer” than them in some display of competitive status or is it really that you’re showing your respect for your role and for the Church? Only you can answer that question, because every community is different. In some congregations, folks gather to worship in flannel shirts and coveralls but would be shocked and offended if their pastor showed up for church in anything but a suit and tie. In others, a critical eye is cast on the minister if he or she seems to be “too fancy.” In still others, the members of the church are so swankified, the minister couldn’t possibly hope to keep up with all the Beau Brummels on his salary. He suffers great insecurity because his shoes are worn and his elbows patched. Since you serve FOUR congregations (bless your busy heart!), you will have to suss out the culture in each one and find a happy medium that allows you to go from one to the next without becoming sartorially schizophrenic.

A word on the cargo pants: I’d save them for casual summer days at the office. They’re just too sporty and casual and funky for ministry work. While I don’t want you to feel that you have to jettison all the distinctive pieces from your closet, I do want you to think about working from funky to more elegant- with-touches-of-funky. Keep a close, editing eye on cut and style: shirts with cut-outs or fringe are no-no’s. Skirts with glitz-factor, sheer fabrics or funny hems– also no-no’s. Avoid shiny fabrics unless they’re on tailored pieces and used for accents under more tailored garments. Remember how much of an impact a dramatic accessory can make and stop there rather than add another high-interest piece.

It may be time to take some of those truly out-there garments and let them have a new life with another owner. Think on these things…!

Send photos and show us some of your outfits! We’d love to see your transformation!

Kiss of peace, PB and your sisters and brothers in ministry

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Except that they’re committing other serious sartorial sins.
The main one of which is to wear clothes that are too tight, too flimsy, far too casual and that communicate the message, “I’m Not Sure If I Want To Be An Authority Figure! I Want to PLAY!”

Oh, dear.

It’s hard, isn’t it? Because while not wanting to look “like my grandmother” (which I hear all the time from the under 40-set), it’s so easy to adopt a “young” look that is actually inappropriate for one’s professional image in any profession, except for perhaps coffee shop barista.

Seriously, young women, can you polish it up a bit? For instance, I see VERY ill-fitted bras and way-too-tight shirts on young women than I do on their older sisters. I attribute this to a vehemently feminist attitude of Pride In My Curves, which is a great attitude, but let’s not equate positive body image with overtly immodest and distracting tops, okay?

Slacks and skirts are often a problem for the junior colleagues as well: low-riding slacks that ride too low are not professional, nor are pencil skirts that fit so snugly as to crease over the crotch. The younger generation’s upbringing on body-conscious clothing of the 90’s onward is evident, and not always a positive influence. There comes a time to move from the aggressively youthful fit of one’s Brittany Spear’s -influenced teen years to the more classic cuts of the adult professional. No one should be seeing the skin of your waist, ever. Even if you’re not wearing a bare midriff, if you choose a shirt or skirt/pants that are cut too small and too skimpily, you can still risk a Festival of Inappropriate Sharing when you bend or squat. So — please do bend and squat when you try things on in the stores!

I have one young acquaintance who is so phobic of plus-sizes that she insists on wearing clothes that are several sizes too small. She literally spills out of her clothing and in addition to putting her abundant cleavage on constant display, reveals a generous expanse of buttocks when she sits in her low-riding trousers. It’s sad and disturbing. Body dysmorphia, which we are so accustomed to thinking of as an affliction that convinces slim people that they are fat, can work in the opposite direction, too. Sometimes we just don’t see how we really look. PeaceBang struggles with this issue herself, which is why she has nothing but compassion for others who also don’t realize that their clothing is not just unflattering but plain doesn’t fit.

PeaceBang’s overall advice to the younger chicas is: There’s a LOT of room between the territories of Frumpy Old Lady and where most of you are now. It is possible — and necessary! to dress beautifully and attractively and youthfully without broadcasting “I’M YOUNG! I DON’T HAVE TO FOLLOW YOUR RULES! I AM THE NEW GENERATION! LOOKING SLOPPY AND REBELLIOUS AND INAPPROPRIATELY SEXY IS MY RIGHT!!I AM PRE-OFFENDED BY THE IDEA THAT YOU THINK I SHOULD LOOK LIKE MY FRUMPY OLDER COLLEAGUES! DON’T YOU DARE COMMENT ON MY ATTIRE!”

That is one troubling and obnoxious inner monologue to be having, my younger sisters. I encourage you to work seriously with a spiritual director or therapist if that sounds like your inner voice, and to challenge it. Because from what I’ve seen and heard out there, it’s a conversation that quite a few of you need to be having.

I’ve waited over a year to publish this post, but a slew of photos from a young clergywoman’s event prompted me to share it at last.

Kiss of peace,
PB

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I sat at this meeting at this minister, who sat with her legs crossed, displaying a wide expanse of thigh to everyone in the room.

Just horrifying. SO, so wrong. I kind of gave her a disapproving look once or twice when she would cross her legs, but to no avail. I mean, I visibly winced. I wanted to say, “Dear colleague! No one needs to know quite that much about your thighs. Please stop inflicting them on us.”

By the way, this has nothing to do with the relative niceness of anyone’s thighs. It’s about propriety, not aesthetics.

Don’t let that be you, mon pidgies. Boys, you’re not exempt, y’know. No one wants to see your hamhocks hanging out of floppy shorts, either.

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First, the actual letter that I done writ to her:

You’re so cute! YAY for your date!!
Well, do you have really cute jeans that you feel great in? I always start with the jeans. I like to wear jeans and boots and something like a babydoll top — something that’s funky and a bit sexy that expresses me.

If the first date is something dressy like the theatre, I dress up but not too much, as I am never sure if the Dude will wear a jacket and tie, or a jacket, or just a button-down and jeans. So I wear dark jeans and boots and something sparkly and really pretty on top, like a black sweater I have that has velvet and beaded buttons and trim –with huge, blingy earrings.

For dinner, I like to rock out some fabulous shoes because I know we’re not going to be walking around much, but I like to make an impression when walking in. So again, I wear dark, long jeans and maybe a great high-heeled boot and something comfortable but a little sexy on top, like maybe a cardigan with a low-cut cami underneath [I meant, a hint of cleavage, not a Festival of Inappropriate or Crass Sharing - PB]. I do extra eye liner and lots of lip gloss, because that’s just me. I’m really comfortable with date clothes because I feel like it’s just a chance to dress the way I like and not the way a pastor should. [It's like this: clothing is a personal art form. You're not painting a picture for the church when you're on a date. - PB]

It’s the only chance you get to make a first impression, so I think it’s important to choose something that you feel really confident in. If you’re a sporty girl, I would still make an effort to find something that makes you feel sexy and special. Even if it’s just a spritz of perfume, make sure you’ve got something on that makes you feel HOT!

Let me know how it goes!!! woo-hoo! Do you like him?

Let’s discuss further. A story:

Last night, PeaceBang went to the opening of the new pub in her tiny town. She wore a grey babydoll cut sweater, a fringey scarf from Paris, skinny-leg jeans, and huge Harley boots (they have a 3″ heel and are seriously Motorcycle Mama. I got them for $30 at an antique store on Route 66 in Amarillo, Texas). Lots of folks I knew were at the pub, and I got introduced around as “Reverend Vicki.” I serve a very theologically liberal, creative congregation full of progressive-minded folks, and my unorthodox appearance (for clergy) isn’t shocking in this setting. No one expects me to dress demurely. I never have. I never will. If my congregation had wanted to call a demure, buttoned-up type pastor they wouldn’t have called me.

This is my eighth year in my parish. I’ve lived through a lot with the community. I’ve presided over funerals for town leaders as well as for my own congregants. I have been a good neighbor and friendly presence to all the local characters (you know who I mean: the insurance guy, the funeral director, the fire chief, the post office clerks, the gals at the bank, etc.). By now, I’m one of the local characters. So whatever impression people have of me is already well-formed, and I intentionally set out, when I arrived, to NOT create a public persona that would take a lot of effort to maintain. As in, “What you see is what you get.” I knew when I moved to my little town that I needed to be one integrated person in public and “off-duty,” so that I would not feel humiliated or exposed if someone caught me in the act of being myself. When you live in a parsonage right on Main Street around the corner from your church in a town of 10,000, it’s not a good idea to try for a remote, super-professional image– it’s just impossible to maintain! If someone drives in the driveway and sees me walking my dog in the backyard in rainboots and pajamas, they won’t plotz. If I run over to church to pick something up in the summer with my hair wet from swimming and in a pair of shorts and flip flops and run into someone, well, we’ll all survive the encounter. I apologize for my appearance and get to the business at hand.

This isn’t to say that I don’t take my own advice about clergy image seriously. I do. I have a natural aversion to frump but I have an almost equally strong aversion to prissy, buttoned-up clergy whose appearance in a town or any social setting is an immediate downer. There’s a way to wear a collar, and a way not to. It’s all about the attitude of the wearer. I knew one female pastor whose super-uptight outfits and collar and solemn demeanor were so aggressively prissy that she may just as well have been wearing a nametag that said, “Hi! My Name Is Finger-Wagging, Moralistic Tradition of the Ministry!”

No, thanks!

All of which is to say, pumpkins, that you’ve got to craft an image that is liveable and flexible. It should take you seamlessly through all the parts of your life: the dressed-up Sunday morning parts, the hanging out in town parts, the public meetings, the social gatherings, the visiting and the pot-lucking and even the dating parts. At no time should anyone have cause to see you and think, “My goodness. I had no idea she was that person.” If you are honest about yourself, if you present an authentic, whole being to your congregation and your community, no one should be shocked at any revelation of your multi-faceted humanity.

So if your parishioners happen to see you out on a date flirting with a cute dude or dudette (or struggling through an obviously terrible blind date with same), they should see you being you. Hopefully, they will keep their distance and say a little prayer for you. Because part of sharing a good and healthy ministry is to recognize that the pastor deserves to have a special someone in their lives, and to remember, compassionately, that it takes some dating and wooing and maybe even a little bit of cleavage to get there.

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