Sarah wrote,

There’s something I have been contemplating for a long time. I absolutely love red hair. I would like to dye my hair red. My family has red hair genes but I wasn’t blessed with them. However, I do have fair skin and people have remarked that I would look good with red hair. In fact, some people sometimes describe me as having red/auburn hair.

In the meantime, I have started seminary and the candidacy process within my denomination. My faith tradition is not one that discourages make-up/adornment. As a seminarian and new religious leader, I am very aware of the amount of attention paid to what I do. If I dye my hair,will this be perceived negatively? Will this be perceived as a silly immature thing to do, especially since my hair isn’t yet graying/going white? I want to dye it with henna, and since my nature hair color is a light brown, I think it would be an auburn color and would match my skin tone. I want to be within that acceptable range of being fashionable yet not too racy and conservative yet not frumpy. What do you think about this?

PeaceBang respondeth:

Hi hon,

1. Do NOT dye with henna. It’s not good for your hair. Contrary to its image as the crunchy-natural way to color your hair, it is incredibly harsh and the color winds up garish. It is also impossible to correct it once the damage is done. You have to wait for that sucker to grow out. I started dying my hair red at the age of 17 and began with henna. Nice to meet you, Ronald McDonald! Big mistake and one I never repeated.

2. I would to to a professional the first time. Budget and go to someone good. Only that way can you guarantee good results (in that, if you hate it, they’ll fix it).

3. Red hair has a lot of baggage with it, seriously. That’s why it’s so important to get it right. God forbid you wind up with some mahogany or cherry-shaded nightmare. If you already have auburn highlights, a good colorist will be able to emphasize those and slowly work you into more vibrant shades if you want to do that.

4. Reds fade very easily. Start looking at L’Oreal products in the store to find a shade that you like and aspire to. Take these to a colorist and say “Listen, I don’t foresee being able to afford getting my hair professionally colored every time I need it. Can you get me as close to this color as possible so that I can eventually do touch-ups on my own?” In this economy, no stylist will be shocked to hear this. If you say it nicely and give them the impression that you’ll be a return client every 4-5 months, I imagine they’ll be happy to accommodate your wishes.

5. Consider this an opportunity to have a conversation with your mentors and ministerial formation committees. You’re in the formation process, and part of that formation is figuring out how to make changes you’d like to make to your appearance and feel confident that they’re the right ones for your professional context. I change my hair color frequently — not because I necessarily WANT to, but because the colorist doesn’t get it quite right or I don’t get it quite right, and sometimes I make disastrous changes. When my color looks garish, I make wry comments to a few people and let it go. On one hand, I want the congregation to know that I don’t think violet-red hair is appropriate for a minister. On the other hand, what am I going to do, stay home until it fades? You have to move on. Same thing with a bad clothing choice. Find a safety pin, wear a scarf strategically, make a funny comment, and move on.

6. I think effort counts for a lot. If we’re at a period in our lives where we can’t, for some reason, look as polished or together as we would like to (the reasons might be as varied as terrible haircut, suffering depression/divorce, pregnancy, weight gain, illness), showing up as together as we can manage to look counts for a lot. People understand that we are not celebrities with personal stylists and huge budgets. We are public leaders who are expected to have a deep interior life as well as a charismatic, relational aspect. We have a day that might include intense study, writing, counseling, volunteer development, staff supervision, public speaking, rites of passage or social witness. That’s a lot of transitioning between roles and skill sets, not to mention professional expectations. If it seems more energizing and exciting to you to have red hair to bring to everything you do, it’s important for you to know that. It sounds silly but who cares? I myself have light brown hair with some grey and wouldn’t feel right without auburn or red hair. It’s a relatively minor adjustment to make to my appearance and makes me feel good. I’m glad it’s not the medieval era where red hair was associated with witchcraft. And I’m glad I’m not in a conservative denomination that frowns on women adorning themselves with hair color and make-up.

Sarah responded that she would think on it some more. It’s March now, Sarah, what have you decided?

Share This

Hide Sites

Having just traveled to humid Florida and seen how much easier it is to Obey the Wave there, I am giving up on Obeying the Wave during the New England winter. A photo diary:

This type of clip really helps set my damp hair (and I use Deva Curl Light Defining Gel) — no other kind does. I get them at ULTA for $3 or so.

The beautiful West Palm Beach Holiday Inn Shuttle. Curly hair. Voila.

Curls abandoned back in cold Merry Newe Englande, this is a fast blow-out done with a vent brush. I used a bit of volumizing mousse. Date night make-up. Wicked bad photo angle for sunburned schnoz.

Two days later with no shampoo, a bit of curl has returned. I hold the bangs off my face with a small bobby-pin and am ready for church.

Share This

Hide Sites

Following the theme of the WNTW comments, I have been thinking about ways to put up my long hair. I just succeeded in tying my hair in knots trying to follow some of the instruction in the comments of your previous post about long hair. I’ll keep working on it, because my version of a “low ponytail” does not generally fit the bill as elegant. I thought I would share this photo from the wedding of a friend. I had my hair done professionally for the event, for only the second time in my life. The picture is not the best, but I think you can see the general idea. The bottom part is tucked under and a broad band of hair in the middle is swept over. The doo was a “bit much,” but fun for the occasion. I thought it fit the bill of professional and pretty. It felt like a party when I took of the jacket and scarf and changed my shoes. I had one young lady tell me “Now, that is much better,” when I entered the reception without the jacket. Imagine the implication that I should serve communion clad in a cocktail dress? Some people don’t get it.

That is an elegant and sleek updo. Yes, it’s formal and a “bit much” but hey, who wouldn’t prefer this over bedraggled locks that so many of us inflict upon the beloved community? Makes me darn near want to buy a wig, yo. I am SO tired of my intermediate curly/wavy/short/medium-length/cowlicky/dry/frizzy mop. Ptoo! I love this ladylike look for this occasion. And how awfully nice to have to worry a bit about your hair for the whole day, eh?

M. and I live close to each other and we think that we may have SEEN EACH OTHER AT THE LOCAL WHOLE FOODS. There may be a COFFEE DATE pending. I LOVE meeting my pigeons in real life! It’s always a total delight! So if you do see me, never hesitate to holla!

Share This

Hide Sites

I am SO excited to have found your website. I am desperately reading back entries to learn. I might even buy lipstick for the first time…(yes, I am 40 and have never done that. Yikes.)

I did a wedding on a tall ship last year and had terrible trouble with wind blowing my hair into my face (sadly, I have a photo). You wrote that I could wear a good hat to a graveside in winter. And that sunglasses on my head won’t do…so what’s a girl to do?

Dear K,
And we’re SO excited that you have found us! And we’re very excited about your Very First Lipstick. Please do send photos if you do purchase one. There’s a whole archived section on lippy, so hopefully you’ll find some good recommendations there.

Oh my heavens, those weddings on ships. PeaceBang did one once and found it most trying. Trying not to slide around on choppy waters (even while anchored) was one challenge. Trying to be heard above all the ambient harbor noise was another. And yes, I believe that the wind presented a third challenge, although more for hanging onto my folio than for hair issues.

Sunglasses on the head are an absolute no-no (as is wearing sunglasses during any rite of passage, no matter how much you have to squint). Now that I have longer hair, I have a few things that help keep it under control for outdoor services:

Option 1: A thick headband.
Option 2: The hair gathered into a low knot and clipped with a nice claw clip in back, and a thin headband to keep the shorter front pieces and bangs from flying in my eyes.
Option 3: When it’s humid enough for my hair to get curly, I let it air dry with clips and volumizer at the roots, finger-comb it when dry, then use two small tortoise claw clips to gently hold the sides back, one claw on each side and leaving most of the hair down. Then I slip a very tiny bobby pin into my bangs to keep them off my face. The whole thing looks loose and I hope pretty. I’ll try to find a photo when I can locate my camera’s adaptar cord!

Hope this helps!
Kiss of peace, PB

Share This

Hide Sites

Major debate here at Chez Mibi – to dye my hair or not? I am in my late 50s, recently ordained, plump but workin’ on it, and well-groomed as a result of paying careful attention to BTFM. My hair is nicely and professionally cut. It is pretty much white at the front, dark brown at the back. I am running into problems in job search with folks automatically thinking “grandma” when they see me and equating that with an inability to get stuff done. Yes I am a grandma, but I’m a hip, happening kind of grandma who has energy and gifts to offer. I fear that the white hair gets in the way…should I dye it or not? Husband loves it as is, and it’s certainly easier than tending to roots every six weeks (I dyed it before seminary), but I wonder if I’m looking older than I am. What say ye?

That’s a toughie, I wrote. Can you send some photos?
So she did.

I wrote,

I LOVE your two-tone hair!LOVE IT! The first, little photo is fabulous — I think the hair is great over your face a bit, very intentional, very “I have two-tone hair,” love it. The lipstick is wonderful. The second photo is a little more “typical short-haired middle aged woman,” which still isn’t terrible because your great, sassy smile and sparkling eyes and obvious energy are what I really see. So I would say leave the color alone, keep your hair conditioned, do make an effort to style it in a way that highlights the contrast and to avoid the dreaded “chopped off any old way” sexless lady-priest thing, and work that lipstick as a signature accessory. Your gaze in that first photo tells me everything I need to know about how much you have to offer, as it says, “I’m right at the gate and rarin’ to go!” I see intelligence, wit, vibrancy… never mind your chronological age!

And how did you get such gorgeous skin, lady!?

Can I post this?

She said I could. So I did.

PeaceBang firmly believes that a LOT of frumpy pastors would do well to color their hair (not with henna! not with henna! It’s not really “natural,” it’s impossible to correct, it’s frequently a flat and ugly hue). But each person is different. I think in Mary’s case, that two-tone hair can be fabulous. Again, cut and style is everything, and a touch of make-up goes a long way toward pulling it all together.

Thanks, Mary!! Kiss of peace to you!!

Share This

Hide Sites

These are also bad bangs. They’re silly and dated. I hope this is an old photo. What a pretty gal — but no woman in a position of power should sport a ‘do like this.

These are bad bangs of the type I saw on two church websites this week … on clergywomen. Straight out of the 80’s (and in fact, this image does come from the 80’s!). Grow those puppies out or pin them up.

These are GOOD BANGS:

There are a LOT of unflattering bangs out there. I see photos every day of clergywomen who would look a lot better if they grew their hair out and got rid of the limp little fringe on their foreheads (it won’t take that long to grow it so it can be pushed to the side in a more mature and striking look). That’s not nearly as bad as the Truly Bad Bang, but it’s something to consider. The Chopped-Off-Kind-Of-Mannish Hair just doesn’t do anyone any favors, and yet that is by far the majority hair style among clergywomen.

Share This

Hide Sites

IF YOU ARE WEARING BANGS CURLED ACROSS YOUR FOREHEAD, YOU ARE WOEFULLY OUT OF DATE IN YOUR APPEARANCE. PLEASE GET TO A STYLIST AS SOON AS POSSIBLE AND REMEDY THIS SERIOUS ERROR.

NO MATTER WHAT YOU WEAR ON YOUR BODY, IF YOU ARE WEARING BANGS CURLED UNDER, IT DOESN’T MATTER. YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE WEARING YOUR BATHROBE.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION.

Share This

Hide Sites

Deva Curl

DEVA CURL is revelatory, darlings. I mean, AMAZING. I purchased a $30 travel set of the shampoo, conditioner, gel and spray-conditioner and I am blown away (with a diffuser — ha ha! A little curly hair humor there!) by the results.

Check it out, seriously. My hair has been like straw for years. Now that I neither brush it nor blow dry it, it is finally becoming healthy.

I used the No-Poo, One Conditioner, curling gel and a bit of the leave-in spray conditioner (Set It Free). I scrunched my hair. It dried. This is how it looks:

It kills me to have to admit that there’s that big of a difference from other shampoos and conditioners, but there is. Therefore, I will be returning to ULTA (DevaCurl is available online, too) to purchase the big sizes soon. Totally worth it.

Share This

Hide Sites

I went in to get what the Hair Cuttery advertises as a $10 Color Zap. I had my hair colored very nicely there a month ago and it had faded. I had an event to go to in Chicago this weekend, so I went in for my ZAP.

They zapped me with the exact same color they used on my the last time, but it made my hair a dark, dead brown.
“Where’s the red?” I asked. The gal could see I was miserable.

“I think the last time you came in, you had all of those highlights. Now that they’re covered, it just didn’t take the way it should have.”

I’m not buying this AT ALL, but I said, “Well, it’s a dead brown and I’m depressed. Please fix it.”

OHHHHHHHHHHHH, she fixed it alright.

I now have pomegranate red hair. I have screaming raspberry lollipop red hair. I have “You’d Better Not Walk Out the Door Without A Carefully Considered Outfit And Make-Up Or You’ll Look Like A Bloated Old Hooker” Red Hair.

But that’s just my “identified issue,” as a friend helped me see. The real issue is that I am feeling lousy about myself and my appearance, and all of these hair misshaps are just icing on the cake.

THANK YOU SO MUCH to the lovely anonymous person who sent me the book Curly Girl, which has taught me how to deal with my officially formerly-undiagnosed wavy hair. I’m still confused by the whole new concept of not trying to blow dry it into submission, but I’m sort of enjoying the experimentation.

Please, no advice solicited on the low self-esteem and weight and food stuff. They are perrennial and I know what to do. Just sharing and hoping you’ll get something for yourself out of my struggles.

Share This

Hide Sites