I wonder if anyone will come to church, first of all.

Second of all, I’d better heed my own advice.

This doesn’t give me an excuse to go to church with wet hair, but I’m sorely tempted, as it will be soaking wet by the end of the service anyway. Does anyone have any favorite “wet-look” hair products? Maybe I’ll slick it back in a ponytail and let it dry with some serious gel. I just don’t want to wind up dripping gooey product down my neck and back. Tips, anyone? Anyone?

Bueller?

Here’s former Spice Girl Geri Halliwell wearing one (and a blindingly ugly frock, too, but who’s looking at the frock!!? Miss Halliwell is NOT the modest type, pigeons!)

I’m not sure about this braid business. For one thing, it’s just too hippie-dippie, and unless you’re officiating at some Age of Aquarius ritual, I wouldn’t go there. Look how silly it looks on Gerri, with her bombshell dress and silly Marilyn Monroe white fox throw. She’d have done much better with a flowy Missoni boho dress; the gypsy hair would have gone quite well with that. There’s also the uncomfortable possibility that, if you don’t make that braid thin enough, someone might start calling you Heidi and ask you to milk the goats. Or start humming the Swiss Miss theme, if there is one.

I would avoid this look. If you’ve been wearing a braid this way, try a gentle twist fastened on the bottom with a tiny elastic. Far more adult and still adds some interesting texture.

And while we’re on the subject of misbegotten hair trends: please, Goddess, PLEASE… NO PINK, PURPLE, ORANGE OR BLUE swatches of hair. That is SO over. It was so over in 1997, they heyday of Manic Panic. Furthermore, you’re the minister now. You don’t need attention that badly.

As you can see here, I have had fiery red hair myself at times:

Whether you think that particular hue is flattering on me or not is not the point right now (although I’m happy to receive your criticism — it’s all in the past, and if you love it, maybe I’ll go back to it!). The point is that PeaceBang has been seeing some REALLY SCARY red hair out there on clergy lately, and she feels obligated to say something about it.

1. Although there is a wide variety of what constitutes “red hair,” your hair color should not approach faded pink or magenta. This tends to be an unfortunate trend on older heads, where I’m seeing a really unflattering combination of thin, fried out hair the color of canned peaches or dried out beets on too many pastors at a recent conference. If this is you, please see your colorist or get a friend to help you. And remember that deep conditioner is your friend.

2. Red hair requires careful application if it’s a home job. Again: get someone to help you! I saw at least four women at the Festival of Homiletics with aubergine-cast auburn hair with big black undergrowth patches at the back of their heads. I am pretty sure this wasn’t an intentional goth design but a testament to how difficult it is to get that color applied evenly. Make a party of it! Invite a pal over, have sangria, and color each other’s hair! Just take it easy on the sangria or you may, as PeaceBang once did, wind up with hair the shade of Ronald McDonald. Also: that purple-shaded red is really hard to carry off; especially for white women. Proceed with serious caution.

3. Henna is not better for your hair than chemical colorants, sweetpeas. In fact, it coats the hair shaft something terrible and can be very damaging. It’s also hell’s own work to correct if you screw up. Not to mention that it stinks so badly that you’ll want to avoid the entire human community for the first few days after coloring, and you don’t want to have to do that, do you?

The scarf routine is my typical vacation look.

A pretty, zaftig gal about my age working at the local cafe was wearing long pigtails and I thought they were cute and told her so. “You’ve got to stay young somehow!” was her reply, and I thought exactly…and there’s a time for that and a time NOT to do that. This type of hairdo is fun when we’re not in work mode, but pigtails and derivations thereof can scream “LITTLE GIRL” and should therefore be assiduously avoided when we’re pastoring. That goes for cutesy barrettes and any style that prompts you to look in the mirror and say, “I wonder if that looks too immature for me.” Fellas, you can look too boyish, too, if you slick your hair to the side like a first grader going in for his school portrait, so keep an eye on your own mop, too. And for God’s sake, no pigtails on you!!

And no, braiding the pigtails doesn’t make them any more appropriate for professional wear, nor does wearing two messy buns as I did a few months ago when I was trying new fun clips and was enjoying my longer hair. Hey, how can I advise you if I don’t make some bloopers myself?

“As for Suddenly Snow White: make sure you hydrate, hydrate, hydrate - hair, face, lips! My grandmother had beautiful, shockingly white hair which she always wore short. She had lovely soft skin and always wore a berry-colored lipstick. I think she was more beautiful with white hair than ebony!

Perhaps the look is a little dated, but she also always wore a bright scarf tied around her neck.”

Charlotte, I am JEALOUS of your grandmama’s shockingly white hair (and believe me, the bright scarf thing may be dated, but it’s classic). The way women go gray in my family tends to be gun-metal gray, lank and just ugly. The hair loses its body, the color just looks Blas-ville and permanently greasy. To quote the famous Dreamgirls’ song, AND I AM TELLING YOU… I’M NOT GOING …that route with my hair, God as my witness and Revlon as my redeemer. How wonderful to go gray in such a way that flatters, that makes one say, “Oh, look what a new head of distinguished older person hair I have!” or even just, “I’m a silver foxy babe, man!”

I ran into a friend the other day who has let her hair go gray and although she’s very young (she’s also a gym rat and is in enviably trim shape) she just looks fabulous!!! I complimented her white-gray hair and she told me that it’s natural, “with a little help.” Now isn’t that an interesting idea… she highlights her gray hair, I think, to make it shinier and to keep the white-gray strands bright looking. I should have gotten the name of her colorist. Maybe there’s hope for my inevitably gun-metal blah, greasy strands of the future.

Roberta was wearing WONDERFUL tortoise-rim rectangular specs that made her look modern and sharp and added a great pop to her face. Her hair was cut in a mid-length curly style and she just looked adorable. I think she was maybe wearing mascara but I didn’t get the impression that she was wearing make-up at all. She has great skin.

The best description of her look was that her hair had energy to it. Her glasses and classic, simple work clothes (she works in a shoe store), contributed to that feeling of energy. She was a woman who had gone grey and looked very cool. I wish I had had a camera to snap her photo. That girl is doing Snow White Right.

PeaceBang has been away, yes, but she brought oodles of testers with her and wants to share some of the stash with you!

First of all, I am in love with this product by Jonathan,
whose enormous ego and chic Beverly Hills salon were featured on a Bravo reality TV show a few seasons back, if memory serves.

It’s expensive, but you use a very little at a time, emulsify in your palms for awhile before distributing through damp or dry hair. Be sure to towel dry before using if you want to get the best effect.

Helmet Head can strike men and women equally, and while it is not the worst of hair issues (sweaty, dandruffy, frizzy tufts on balding men with accompanying strong Scalp Smell is far worse in terms of undermining clergy image), it isn’t doing anyone any favors.

Helmet Head is hair that does not move, is hair that is either cut or styled in such a way as to cause every strand to be in place and gives the impression of uptightness, matronly propriety or, in the case of men, sleazy evangelist (”the bigger the hair the closer to God”). Think “set” hair from the 1960s with lots of tease and spray; that’s one version, and it has its own old-school neatness to it (I’d rather see certain veteran female colleagues in this style than with lank, bobby-pinned tresses snaking limply down their necks, f’ rinstance). Another version of helmet head is the old Hilary Clinton-style bob, which broadcasts to me, “I am UNDER CONTROL. Everything is UNDER CONTROL.” This is not an approachable look.

With HH, nothing moves, everything is stiff. Given that the hair is a symbol of life (which is why, I suppose, really long untrimmed hair gives me the creeps — it’s so dead), Helmet Head communicates to me a degree of fear, repression and need for control.

We can also get HH when we pull our hair back and it just sits there around our faces, unflattering, dull in color, no movement, no shine, nothing but restraint and “neatness.” Pair that with some granny glasses and you’ve got central casting’s “Hippie Chick #1, Circa Kent State Shootings.” Retro, and not in a good way. This look can be incredibly harsh on even the youngest, loveliest faces. Yes, Maria Callas wore her hair severely pulled back but she was intentionally emphasizing her fabulous Greek bone structure. She wore a chignon, not a dull ponytail, and she was never without a deep red lipstick and elegant posture.

As I said, however, that’s not the worst or only Hair Problem that can besiege today’s pastor. Lackluster, no-style hair communicates “I just can’t deal with being a public person.” Chopped-off, unflattering hair (too short bangs on older women, for example) communicates, “I tried! But I have no idea what looks good on me!” Styles that haven’t budged in two decades can communicate, “I’m living in the past and I’d like to insist that you join me there” or “Who, me? Have an exterior appearance? Never thought about it!”

Hair is the easiest way to make a move from wan and washed out to wow, but it scares people. I wish it wouldn’t. I wish women weren’t generally so devoted to maintaining completely unflattering hair colors and styles.

Here’s some great hair. Of course she’s been colored, curled and coiffed by the experts, but look at the movement, the brightness of it, the sense of personality! No, kittens, don’t freak out. I’m not suggesting that we copy Drew’s look, just to say how interesting hair can be, and how much energy it can broadcast.

Because we are not “read” in society as individuals but often as a symbol for the vitality and relevance (or not) of the contemporary church, it behooves all of us to check out our ‘dos and dress to see what we may be unconsciously communicating. That’s my message, that’s what we’re doing here, and Happy Hairdo, everyone.

Hillary In Helmet Head

Hillary In Not Helmet Head

(I can’t find a photo of Hill in full helmet mode — that’s the best I could do. It is worth noting, however, that when “the softening of Hillary Clinton” campaign began, her image people started with her hair.

And just for kicks, this is a photo of me that appeared six years ago in the Boston Globe. Check out how helmet-y my hair was back then. That spiky look was in at that time, but things have loosened up a lot since then:

I tried it in the store today but the two girls working the counter were so full of duh that I couldn’t get them to answer many questions other than (1) does it work? (yes) and (2) does it come out easily? (also yes) It’s a steep $19 but if you get another 3 weeks out of your hair color with it, maybe it would be worth it.

Those two young salesclerks reminded me that a slack face with no animation in it is a truly disconcerting thing to come up against. It was like, I’m knocking at the door but no one’s home! Vacant-eyed teenagers really scare me.

Here’s the truly over-produced and irritating Bumble & Bumble web site if you want to check it out.

Can I ask a controversial question? Why does anyone have hair past their waist anymore? Is it an old-school femininity or male virility thing? Because when PeaceBang sees hair longer than the biceps she just thinks, “Wow, that’s a lot of dead follicles there” and often, “That person would look so much better and more with-it if they weren’t hanging on to all that hair.”

Extremely long-haired people, please do not be mad at me. I am simply expressing my agreement with all the stylists on the make-over shows who, you will notice, NEVER EVER EVER don’t take off at least a few feet of hair when someone comes in with it super mermaid-length. You may also have noticed that while the very long-haired folk initially experience trauma at the mere notion of a trim, they always weep with joy when it comes off.

So PeaceBang is just wondering what it’s like from your side of the hair curtain.

Peacebang, do you have any suggestions for putting long hair up without a plastic claw clip? My hair is very thick and heavy; I like the way it looks when it’s up (it makes mid-twenties me look a little more take-seriousable, for one thing) but I hear you that the plastic clip is too informal for a worship setting. I’ve never been able to make it stay up with hairsticks (no idea how people manage that). Any other ideas?

This may seem like an inquiry for the lay-dees, but PeaceBang knows of a few dewds with long locks out there. What’s the scoop, Rapunzels? How to advise this colleague? Who, by the way, earns big props for inventing the term “take-seriousable.”

My first instinct is to go to the fashion mags which always seem to have lovely features on how to twist up hair — features that make PeaceBang wish she was still in kindergarten with shiny brown hair all down her back before her mom took her to the salon and had it ALL CUT OFF into a SHAG that made her look like a BOY, giving PeaceBang the first twinges of Inadequate Femininity
Insecurity that would plague her all her life.

Allure magazine often has nice long-hair features, Dear Writer, and there’s nothing wrong with having a few friends over, serving them a pitcher of sangria, and trying new hair-do’s together. We’ll see what PeaceBang Nation* has to say about this.

*a wee reference to Red Sox Nation, ya’ll. We’re in the ALCS play-offs.