Sarah wrote,

There’s something I have been contemplating for a long time. I absolutely love red hair. I would like to dye my hair red. My family has red hair genes but I wasn’t blessed with them. However, I do have fair skin and people have remarked that I would look good with red hair. In fact, some people sometimes describe me as having red/auburn hair.

In the meantime, I have started seminary and the candidacy process within my denomination. My faith tradition is not one that discourages make-up/adornment. As a seminarian and new religious leader, I am very aware of the amount of attention paid to what I do. If I dye my hair,will this be perceived negatively? Will this be perceived as a silly immature thing to do, especially since my hair isn’t yet graying/going white? I want to dye it with henna, and since my nature hair color is a light brown, I think it would be an auburn color and would match my skin tone. I want to be within that acceptable range of being fashionable yet not too racy and conservative yet not frumpy. What do you think about this?

PeaceBang respondeth:

Hi hon,

1. Do NOT dye with henna. It’s not good for your hair. Contrary to its image as the crunchy-natural way to color your hair, it is incredibly harsh and the color winds up garish. It is also impossible to correct it once the damage is done. You have to wait for that sucker to grow out. I started dying my hair red at the age of 17 and began with henna. Nice to meet you, Ronald McDonald! Big mistake and one I never repeated.

2. I would to to a professional the first time. Budget and go to someone good. Only that way can you guarantee good results (in that, if you hate it, they’ll fix it).

3. Red hair has a lot of baggage with it, seriously. That’s why it’s so important to get it right. God forbid you wind up with some mahogany or cherry-shaded nightmare. If you already have auburn highlights, a good colorist will be able to emphasize those and slowly work you into more vibrant shades if you want to do that.

4. Reds fade very easily. Start looking at L’Oreal products in the store to find a shade that you like and aspire to. Take these to a colorist and say “Listen, I don’t foresee being able to afford getting my hair professionally colored every time I need it. Can you get me as close to this color as possible so that I can eventually do touch-ups on my own?” In this economy, no stylist will be shocked to hear this. If you say it nicely and give them the impression that you’ll be a return client every 4-5 months, I imagine they’ll be happy to accommodate your wishes.

5. Consider this an opportunity to have a conversation with your mentors and ministerial formation committees. You’re in the formation process, and part of that formation is figuring out how to make changes you’d like to make to your appearance and feel confident that they’re the right ones for your professional context. I change my hair color frequently — not because I necessarily WANT to, but because the colorist doesn’t get it quite right or I don’t get it quite right, and sometimes I make disastrous changes. When my color looks garish, I make wry comments to a few people and let it go. On one hand, I want the congregation to know that I don’t think violet-red hair is appropriate for a minister. On the other hand, what am I going to do, stay home until it fades? You have to move on. Same thing with a bad clothing choice. Find a safety pin, wear a scarf strategically, make a funny comment, and move on.

6. I think effort counts for a lot. If we’re at a period in our lives where we can’t, for some reason, look as polished or together as we would like to (the reasons might be as varied as terrible haircut, suffering depression/divorce, pregnancy, weight gain, illness), showing up as together as we can manage to look counts for a lot. People understand that we are not celebrities with personal stylists and huge budgets. We are public leaders who are expected to have a deep interior life as well as a charismatic, relational aspect. We have a day that might include intense study, writing, counseling, volunteer development, staff supervision, public speaking, rites of passage or social witness. That’s a lot of transitioning between roles and skill sets, not to mention professional expectations. If it seems more energizing and exciting to you to have red hair to bring to everything you do, it’s important for you to know that. It sounds silly but who cares? I myself have light brown hair with some grey and wouldn’t feel right without auburn or red hair. It’s a relatively minor adjustment to make to my appearance and makes me feel good. I’m glad it’s not the medieval era where red hair was associated with witchcraft. And I’m glad I’m not in a conservative denomination that frowns on women adorning themselves with hair color and make-up.

Sarah responded that she would think on it some more. It’s March now, Sarah, what have you decided?

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Dear PeaceBang,

I need your help! You can normally solve all beauty problems with such wit and wisdom and clarity of thought, so help me please!

All of a sudden my once lovely nails are all splitting, peeling and brittle. I’ve tried the usual things, wearing washing up gloves when doing the dishes, hand creams , keeping them short and using a buffer on them etc… Nothing seems to be working that well, but they are shinier than usual!

I’d read that nail varnish remover is not good for the long term health of the nail, so I’ve cut back on my nail colour matching my outfit!

Any ideas? I’m extra aware of the look of my nails and in ministry we use our hands a lot!

Any help you can give would be appreciated….thanks.

Shalom,
L.

Now, L., flattery will get you nowhere, darling, although you know I lap it up with great delight! But what is up with the nails, I wonder? Is this part of the whole Wonderful Menopause thing, perhaps? I would certainly say that avoiding all formaldehyde and acetone-based nail products is very important and for the time being, all products.

I’m just guessing here, but I wonder if your nails aren’t just rebelling against usual products inflicted upon them for year after year, just as happened to my lips a few summers ago when they cracked and peeled if I used any lipstick at all. Nail polish and remover are very toxic products, and you may want to seek out formulas by purveyors of natural cosmetics (a Google search should help, as will the comments and suggestions I feel certain will come from my wonderful readers).

Looks like Barielle makes such a line.

A daily supplement of Biotin (available at your local drugstore) may also help, and it will do nice things for your hair, too. Make sure to check with your doc before you start popping anything, though. And it wouldn’t hurt to ask if any drugs you’re currently taking might be causing the nail splitting.

Good luck, dear, and here’s hoping that your hands are looking as lovely as you want them to soon. The good thing about nails is that they do grow, and yours may just need a few months of growth to get stronger.

And remember, it could be worse. You could have THESE nails:

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Hi, so in the first place I love your blog, the energy and the theology of valuing bodies that shines through every word. Thanks for all you do. And here’s the embarrassing question – as a 50-something [pastor], I usually feel pretty good about my style at work, but lately I’ve been noticing this kind of freaky mustache that is making its home on my upper lip. Soft hair, but darker than I would like. I know it’s one of those things that comes with aging, but I’m pretty confused about the remedy. I honestly don’t want to be hanging around my [parishioners] in a mustache, but I don’t know anything about the options – I hear vague things about bleaching, waxing, etc., and it just leaves me confused (I’ve never done anything but pluck a few stray eyebrows, either, so I’m not used to this). I know you are way too young to have to worry about this, but you seem to have the secret knowledge about these things. Thanks!

Ah, Grasshoppah.
Nothing to be embarrassed about!! I think it is wonderful that you are willing to do something about the ’stache, which I think is unattractive and can be distracting as well. More than anything, I think that a dark ’stache makes the upper lip look dirty. I have more than once had to stop myself from saying to a woman, “You’ve got something smudged on your upper li….ooops. No, nothing. I didn’t say anything!”

Being a fair-haired and skinned woman in my extended family of olive-skinned and ebony-tressed Jewish beauties, I knew about the magic of Jolen cream bleach before I hit puberty. I don’t think I ever opened the medicine cabinet of any of my cousins without seeing the trusty aqua box:

Jolen creme bleach (pronounced Joe-leen) is cheap, it works and it’s a good product. Yes, it will sting a bit (nothing that lightens dark hair won’t sting). You should be careful to use the correct measurements of activating powder to cream. Run a washcloth under very cold water and press it to your upper lip after you have rinsed the product off well. Repeat until redness and swelling go down (it will only last a few minutes). Do the patch test on your arm or other unobtrusive place.

Sally Hansen makes an excellent cream hair REMOVAL (not dye — their dyeing product actually doesn’t work at all, according to on-line reviewers). I have used Sally Hansen Brush-On Hair Removalin the past and although the smell is yucky, it works very well:

Again, do a patch test and use the cold washcloth on the upper lip after the treatment. Do NOT rub ice on your face, as that is too harsh and can freeze the skin. Do not rub the cloth on the skin, just gently hold it there, patting a bit. You may choose to follow with a bit of aloe vera gel if it works for you (a surprising number of people are actually allergic to aloe vera gel!).

I have a little blunt edged pair of sharp scissors that I keep in my medicine cabinet for de-’staching. The light in the bathroom is the best, I can get up real close to the mirror, and I just snip it all off. My hair is very light, though, so you may want to go with waxing or bleaching.

Another option is to get a $10 wax job at a local salon — make sure they have a certified aesthetician on staff, and don’t plan to get it done immediately before an important event in case you get a bit of redness. Don’t let a manicurist at a nail salon do it, even if it’s cheaper. Insist on a licensed professional.

Do NOT pluck and do NOT shave!!

Many women have hairy upper lips all their lives, but facial hair growth is incredibly common when we hit the menopausal years. Just another fun detail about hormonal changes no one ever tells us about!!
Let’s all join in a chorus of “I Enjoy Being a Girl!!”
Next Chapter: “Tweezing Chin Hairs For Fun And Profit.” (Confession: I keep a tweezers in my car! I find that the light in the rearview mirror is amazing and I always spot Frightening Whiskers on my way to some event. Talk about keeping a girl humble! Just when you think you’re all dolled up with every hair in place…)

Thanks for writing, dearie!
Kiss of peace!! xxxoo

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Having just traveled to humid Florida and seen how much easier it is to Obey the Wave there, I am giving up on Obeying the Wave during the New England winter. A photo diary:

This type of clip really helps set my damp hair (and I use Deva Curl Light Defining Gel) — no other kind does. I get them at ULTA for $3 or so.

The beautiful West Palm Beach Holiday Inn Shuttle. Curly hair. Voila.

Curls abandoned back in cold Merry Newe Englande, this is a fast blow-out done with a vent brush. I used a bit of volumizing mousse. Date night make-up. Wicked bad photo angle for sunburned schnoz.

Two days later with no shampoo, a bit of curl has returned. I hold the bangs off my face with a small bobby-pin and am ready for church.

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Following the theme of the WNTW comments, I have been thinking about ways to put up my long hair. I just succeeded in tying my hair in knots trying to follow some of the instruction in the comments of your previous post about long hair. I’ll keep working on it, because my version of a “low ponytail” does not generally fit the bill as elegant. I thought I would share this photo from the wedding of a friend. I had my hair done professionally for the event, for only the second time in my life. The picture is not the best, but I think you can see the general idea. The bottom part is tucked under and a broad band of hair in the middle is swept over. The doo was a “bit much,” but fun for the occasion. I thought it fit the bill of professional and pretty. It felt like a party when I took of the jacket and scarf and changed my shoes. I had one young lady tell me “Now, that is much better,” when I entered the reception without the jacket. Imagine the implication that I should serve communion clad in a cocktail dress? Some people don’t get it.

That is an elegant and sleek updo. Yes, it’s formal and a “bit much” but hey, who wouldn’t prefer this over bedraggled locks that so many of us inflict upon the beloved community? Makes me darn near want to buy a wig, yo. I am SO tired of my intermediate curly/wavy/short/medium-length/cowlicky/dry/frizzy mop. Ptoo! I love this ladylike look for this occasion. And how awfully nice to have to worry a bit about your hair for the whole day, eh?

M. and I live close to each other and we think that we may have SEEN EACH OTHER AT THE LOCAL WHOLE FOODS. There may be a COFFEE DATE pending. I LOVE meeting my pigeons in real life! It’s always a total delight! So if you do see me, never hesitate to holla!

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I am SO excited to have found your website. I am desperately reading back entries to learn. I might even buy lipstick for the first time…(yes, I am 40 and have never done that. Yikes.)

I did a wedding on a tall ship last year and had terrible trouble with wind blowing my hair into my face (sadly, I have a photo). You wrote that I could wear a good hat to a graveside in winter. And that sunglasses on my head won’t do…so what’s a girl to do?

Dear K,
And we’re SO excited that you have found us! And we’re very excited about your Very First Lipstick. Please do send photos if you do purchase one. There’s a whole archived section on lippy, so hopefully you’ll find some good recommendations there.

Oh my heavens, those weddings on ships. PeaceBang did one once and found it most trying. Trying not to slide around on choppy waters (even while anchored) was one challenge. Trying to be heard above all the ambient harbor noise was another. And yes, I believe that the wind presented a third challenge, although more for hanging onto my folio than for hair issues.

Sunglasses on the head are an absolute no-no (as is wearing sunglasses during any rite of passage, no matter how much you have to squint). Now that I have longer hair, I have a few things that help keep it under control for outdoor services:

Option 1: A thick headband.
Option 2: The hair gathered into a low knot and clipped with a nice claw clip in back, and a thin headband to keep the shorter front pieces and bangs from flying in my eyes.
Option 3: When it’s humid enough for my hair to get curly, I let it air dry with clips and volumizer at the roots, finger-comb it when dry, then use two small tortoise claw clips to gently hold the sides back, one claw on each side and leaving most of the hair down. Then I slip a very tiny bobby pin into my bangs to keep them off my face. The whole thing looks loose and I hope pretty. I’ll try to find a photo when I can locate my camera’s adaptar cord!

Hope this helps!
Kiss of peace, PB

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GOD.

Is there any more effective way to look like a brainless cow and to make such sounds as to cause people around you to want to slap you silly?

Nope.

JUST GET RID OF THAT GUM, YOUNG LADY OR YOUNG MAN.
Spit if into my hand right now. *holding out hand*

There.

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My Director of Christian Education is a lovely woman in her 60s, who serves the congregation half-time. She’s always polished and professional, in a grandmotherly way … which is why my jaw dropped a few months ago when she began to cut her fingernails (!) during a committee meeting (!!!!). She had her purse open to catch the trimmings, but we were in one of the classrooms where our kindergarten class meets on Sundays.

Aside from the hazard that a fingernail clipping presents to our little ones (ew), I personally consider public trimming of fingernails on a par with vigorous nose-picking.

Is it just me, or is this kind of thing verboten for church staff at meetings? As “chief of staff,” was I obligated to take her aside privately after the meeting? If it happens again, I would like to have a Dr. Phil kind of script to follow.

Let PeaceBang take a deep, cleansing breath, because she almost made it through this letter without shuddering — after all, so many of you have written in to report nail clipping during services and meetings before — but then she read “she had her purse open to catch the trimmings.”

Please fetch the smelling salts.

SHE HAD HER PURSE OPEN TO CATCH THE TRIMMINGS. *room spins*

Before I go make a seltzer with bitters and lime (great for the tummy), let me try to offer advice to our dear writer that is simple, easy and clear.

1. Clipping nails in public is most certainly and without question absolutely and thoroughly disgusting, even if one does use one’s own purse as a receptacle. *shudder*

2. As the staff supervisor, you should definitely address this. Why? Because (a) others may be counting on you to do so and (b) however unintended, this is inappropriate behavior for church meetings. A script to address it might go like this:

“Marge, we’re just about finished with our meeting today. Thanks for coming in . I’m really excited about what you’re doing with the kids this year, and I have the date for the teacher’s meeting on my calendar. I’ll send you my outline by e-mail to make sure it includes everything we hit on today. Is there anything else you wanted to discuss? Because I do have one small thing before you go.”

(Finish anything with Marge that she brings up)

“Okay, great. Well, the small thing I mentioned is hard to bring up, because it’s so personal, but I just wanted to ask you if you were even aware that you trimmed your fingernails during our August meeting — sometimes personal hygiene things are so unconscious, I wasn’t sure if you remembered.”

(Here you allow Marge to remember that she did).

“I don’t know if others found it distracting, but I know I did, and I wanted to let you know.”

Since Marge is so clearly a lovely human being, that’s all she needs to hear. In fact, when it comes to things of this nature, people are generally extremely sensitive and easily embarrassed. The less said, the better. If ya’ll have staff folk who are prone to argue with you, or would rebel against this sort of gentle correction, let me know. We can work up another script that might work in that more difficult case.

There’s no need to pull someone aside immediately after a meeting for this sort of minor indiscretion. The only valid reasons to pull someone aside immediately after a meeting is if they actively undermined the meeting and seem extremely angry or unresolved and need pastoral attention right away, or if they were under the influence of something, or in some other visible distress. And do pull them aside right away rather than waiting, no matter how nervous it makes you. “Are you okay? You seem very out-of-sorts/agitated/unlike yourself tonight — was it the meeting, or is something else going on?”

I would recommend that this conversation happen in your study with two of you seated in chairs and looking at each other, not in the parking lot and not over the phone. If it turns out that something very serious is wrong, you need not resolve it all in chambers at that immediate moment, but at least you can assess needs and set an appointment to talk the next day.

During cold and flu season, it isn’t at all a bad idea to keep tissues and hand sanitizer in the conference or meeting space. If you see someone sneezing into their hands and think that hand might soon be clasping another in fellowship or in order to pass a paper or other material, it is not out of line for you to hand the sneezer a tissue and hand wipe and say, “These are never around when you need one, so this year I decided to stock up!” Smile, and go on with your business. After all, you’ve passed along a virulent germ or two yourself in your time.

PeaceBang will now attempt to go to sleep without visions of clipped fingernails dancing in her head.

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ICK!! Is there any grooming detail that evokes such an instant negative visceral reaction as men’s long, dirty fingernails? This young man also had dandruff going for him and a really nifty talent for coughing all over my materials. He carressed my debit card with his germy hands as though making a special effort to infect me with his crud, causing me to take out a handi-wipe and clean it immediately (with a smile! I don’t want that passport renewal getting “lost” in the mail!).

Also charming? His negative, sarcastic banter about a job-in-progress with another unkempt (female) employee behind the counter who sported 4″ sparkly gold fingernails and a greasy high ponytail that could have used a serious trim. What these two lacked in good grooming they made up for in arrogance.

1. Keep those nails clean.
2. Don’t let the customers hear you griping about work. We’re lucky to have a job, those of us that got ‘em.

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