Beauty Tips for Ministers

Looking Good in Conference Programs

My lambs.

Sometimes we are paid the exquisite compliment of being asked to lead a program or worship for a denominational conference. When that happens, it is often the case that we will be asked to submit a photograph of ourselves for the conference program.

Therefore, we should always have on hand a clear photograph of ourselves suited to this purpose. In that photograph, our faces should be well-visible (not shadowed in a way that you might find romantic or mysterious but that will cause the conferees to hold their programs to their noses and say, “Is that good old Whatshername? Can’t quite make out her face. Or, wait. Is that the back of her head?”), our visage open and welcoming (if not outright smiling), and our hair presentable.

There are some great examples on page 23 of the UUA General Assembly program. Shout-out to Stefan and Meg, who are among the thumbs-up examples. Page 22, however, features a singer-songwriter who definitely needs a new headshot. Her photo, which probably looked beautiful in color, was backlit. In black-and-white, she is cast entirely in shadow. Don’t let this happen to you.

Dr. Will Tuttle on page 27 has everything you want: great smile, welcoming expression, natural setting that doesn’t look like all strained and formal like his 6th grade school photo but… too dark. I mean, I had to strain to see his dimples.

And please, pigeons, keep your photographs current. One popular presenter at our General Assembly has been submitting the same photo of himself since what looks to be 1962. It is a cause for much hilarity every year, which isn’t really the result you want. After all, you are presenting a workshop or leading worship today, in the 21st century! There’s nothing that communicates “Hey, come to my workshop where I’ll be presenting ideas right out of 1962″ like a dated photo.

There is not a thing in the world wrong with having someone you trust take a photograph of you for just this purpose. You’re a public leader, honey. It’s all part of the gig.

Man Bags

My own tinywinks,

A loyal reader wrote me absolutely hounding me for advice on man bags. He was no doubt remembering the infamous Chicken Bag of last year’s General Assembly (Jake, are you out there?) and wanting a more soigne option for his own wardrobe. I mean, look at Tinky up there with his handsome red satchel. What a bold use of color! What a statment of confident individuality! Or else he took it from his Mom’s closet; I can’t tell!

I think that this hip young minister has answered his own question by referring me to Man-n-Bags, a company that sells three styles of purses bags for men that are definitely not trying to be briefcases. The people at Man-n-Bag not only design mighty fine bags for the gents, they’re funny, too! And we love that. We double-love that they make fun of fanny packs and the hideous, morally offensive CELL PHONE PANTS CLIP.

Also recommended by our Loyal Reader is this really quite wonderful site devoted to man bags. Purseuing.com isn’t just a place to purchase a really fine-looking bag, they even have discussion forums! There, you can agonize about whether a diaper bag or briefcase or sporty little shoulder number will work for your needs. Because honestly, if you’re not a big transporter of papers and files, a briefcase probably won’t be the best option for you. Embrace the revolution!! Get a nice, roomy man bag and find out what we gals have known for eons: a good bag is a busy cleric’s best friend.

Even Chewy knows that.

Festival of Homiletics: Krispy Kreme Kommunion?

Briefly, briefly from PeaceBang’s observations of 1,680 preacher conferees in Nashville:

• We have to talk about weight. PeaceBang is quite serious about this. She saw dozens of people who were in the 300+ pound range, and when Grace Imathiu announced that there would be Krispy Kremes at the break and a sigh went up as though she had announced that Jesus Himself would be handing them out, PeaceBang knew we Had To Talk about our eating situation. We really do. Especially because PeaceBang couldn’t help but notice that every single one of the main speakers was fit and trim (well, Jim Wallis is a bit hefty, but he was the exception) and what does that say about the body-spirit connection? It certainly doesn’t say that if you’re chunky or fat you can’t be a fantastic preacher, but it says something. And when PeaceBang figures out what that something is, she is going to invite us all into a conversation about it, so stay tuned.
• Scraggly facial hair. Gentlemen, super-casual clothes are fine because we were all pretty much on retreat, but I’m guessing that you didn’t all go home and fire up the Norelco Nose Hair Trimmer and beard clippers. Now that you’ve gotten home safe and sound, could you please get after those gorilla hairs that have taken over your neck and ears?
• Dudes with HAIR PARTED IN THE MIDDLE. PeaceBang is speechless. It didn’t work on Scott Baio in 1978 and it doesn’t work today. Okay, maybe it did work on Scott Baio. And Erik Estrada. But darling fellas, it doesn’t work on you, especially when you’re strawberry blonde with a sunburned scalp.
• Ladies with the big ole toes hanging over the front of your sandals, a tip: our feet all slide forward when we walk. Also, leather stretches. Keep this in mind when purchasing sandals and try to keep the little piggies in their pen. I’m trying to be cute about this but really, it’s just basic grooming. Because, yuck.
• Filthy knapsacks: again, I know we were all pretty much on retreat and there’s no need to go about with especially fashionable or professional bags, but could we stop dragging around filthy, beat-up knapsacks as though we’re in the sixth grade? Even a clean tote would be better than that.

But aw, overall everyone was so happy to be there I couldn’t really fault them for being messy. I did see a profusion of ankle-length denim jumpers — even some with SOCKS and LOAFERS — but I was honestly just feeling too tenderly toward my hard-working, hard-laughing, spirit-seeking colleagues to cast a very critical eye. Bless all our hearts, and especially those arteries. And Lord, preserve us from Krispy Kremes and other false idols. Amen.

General Assembly Attire

This from one of our beautiful readers:

Hi PB,

You’ve probably already done this, but could you talk about professional casual wear (from tops to shoes) for GA? I’ll be standing in the booth for a great bit of time and will also have to “suit up” for a breakfast event. I’m not clergy, but am UU representing a UU organization and for the last two years I’ve felt either overdressed or underdressed—and never comfortable. Any suggestions? UU Momma

Dear UUMomma,

Bless your heart. General Assembly is a very difficult event to pack for, as it’s generally scorching hot outside and freezing inside, so what’s a guy or gal to do? PeaceBang favors cotton cardigans and shawls and mixing it up with interesting accessories. She loves Charter Club cotton sweaters. They cost about $35 and they are beautifully made and withstand washing well.

As we all know, PeaceBang writes for the clergy crowd, but in this case (and because one of her own congregants owned as to how she was shocked and dismayed by the slovenliness of the other delegates to the GA), she is happy to extend her invitation to Bring On The Beauty to her layfriends and readers.

Unitarian Universalists, arise! Consider! When we descend en masse upon St. Louis or Rochester or Portland or Cleveland, we have the opportunity to make an impression! And that’s a wonderful thing! Just one more exclamation point for emphasis! How ’bout it?
“!”

PeaceBang honors the sacrifice of time and money that laypeople make to attend GA, but wants to remind us all that when we’re doing the work of our association, we’re not on vacation. We should consider dressing a step up from tee-shirts and shorts.

Heed the words of my colleague, the Rev. Tom Schade, who wrote,

“A lack of concern for appearance communicates only disregard and disrespect for those we serve [within the context of GA, this means “the greater cause of Unitarian Universalism” for all of us — PB]. It also graphically demonstrates that religion and the church don’t really connect to the real world, but exist only in some parallel universe of our own making, a world where thinking is supreme. It is also self-indulgent and morally smug at the same time.”

Who loves you, UUs? PeaceBang loves you! But it’s time to honestly acknowledge what we’re really communicating about our identity as a faith tradition when so many of us come together for our big annual meeting looking as though we’ve tumbled out of the back of a VW minibus. Now, if you actually got to GA riding in the back of a VW minibus, more power to you, I say. I shall not look askance at your wrinkled khaki shorts and Darwin fish teeshirts.* But if you didn’t — and most of us don’t — let’s think about putting a more neatly-shod foot forward when we pay each other the honor of showing up to do important work. Maybe it doesn’t bother you to be known as The Old Hippie Church. I happen to think that’s kind of funny, myself. But it does bother me that we are so easily stereotyped. When it’s easy to stereotype a group, it’s easy to dismiss them. We don’t want that.

NOW, UU Momma asked for some ideas on how to pack for GA, and particularly for breakfast events.

First of all, Momma, let’s talk about being over-dressed and under-dressed:

> If you find that you’re over-dressed for an event, WORK IT. You should never, ever be ashamed at having put extra effort into your appearance for any event. If everyone else showed up in Hawaiian shirts, that isn’t your problem. You just wear whatever you’ve got on and be who you are with pride and confidence. I trust you aren’t wearing bugle-beaded evening gowns, so really, relax.

> If you find that you’re under-dressed for an event, WORK IT. Sit up straighter, put a big smile on your face, be as gracious as you can be, and make a note to yourself so you don’t make the same mistake the next time. This isn’t so much about what someone else might say about you, it’s about how you feel about you. There is no dress code at these events, so it’s up to you to represent yourself and your organization in the most appropriate way possible, relying on your own sense of style and occasion. Believe me, my dove, you don’t want to take the average group of Unitarian Universalists as your guide, as we are notoriously, shall we say, elaborately and casual.

PeaceBang’s Guide To Packing For GA:

1. Everything has to go together for maximum mixing-and-matching of every garment.
2. Accessories are key: they take up very little space and they can make you feel put-together with no effort at all. Think chunky cascading bead necklaces, distinctive belts, great earrings, a few scarves that array you and don’t drown you.
3. Skirts pack well if you roll them. I usually bring one floral and one solid. Unpack and hang them right away.
4. Black pants are great for traveling in. Heck, you can wear them every day if you like.
5. Three or four crisp bright tees for wearing under cardigans or cotton blazers are a godsend.
6. Shoes have to be comfortable for walking miles through convention centers– a nice sandal is all you need. If you find that you’re obsessing over finding the perfect GA sandal, no, it’s not just you. You have LOTS of company!
7. Bring a travel size of Febreze.

For a one-week conference, I usually pack two skirts, two pairs of pants, three or so blouses or tees and a cardigan or blazer (it depends if I’m leading any programs). That’s a lot, but I roll everything up and get it into one little bag. My cosmetics come in a separate steamer trunk. Really, though: hotels are murder on my complexion! I have to have a full defense arsenal.

* PeaceBang wishes that religious liberals would consider how rude and smarmy they’re being when they wear or display the Darwin fish symbol, which takes a symbol common to all Christians and insults millions of them by assuming that all Christians are creationists. We’re not, and if UUs want to be seen as a tolerant, dignity-respecting religion, why walk around in something that’s the sartorial equivalent of a Bronx cheer to all Christians? I think we can do better than that. Or at least save it for home wear, not for when we’re all together making a collective impression.

Note From a Frustrated Conferee

I just received a rant from probably my best-dressed female colleague. She’s on the road, having just attended a professional conference for Unitarian Universalists.

Here she is, verbatim. Most of what she says, I’ve already written about. I have bolded her comments that had me pumping the air in a power salute or laughing out loud in appreciation:

My colleague writes,

1. Bra straps showing. I dont’ care if it is a young girl’s fashion statement–it looks smutty on young women and sloppy on older women. And girls–if you wear a white dress–don’t wear a black bra underneath. Hullo??!!!!

2. T-shirts. Never stand up in front of a congregation or lead worship in a t-shirt. I do not care if you got the t-shirt from last year’s conference. Fugetaboudit…

3. Baseball caps. Noted by my colleague in fashion as someone one should only wear at a BASEBALL game and maybe while running on an isolated running path through the woods where no one will see you.

4. Tennis shoes with skirts. Get comfortable shoes (see note 14 below) but for God’s sake, do not think you can get away with wearing tennis shoes with skirts. It just looks dumb. Are you planning on going running or are mopping the floor?

5. Elastic waistbands. Again–noted by my esteemed colleague in her blog, but no one looks good in elastic waistbands. Get it to fit.

6. Flip flops and Crocs. Just stop it, unless you are going from the garden to the garage, or the shower to the pool. I can’t see Crocs on people’s feet without seeing Jason’s Hocky mask in Friday the 13th.

7. Keane shoes. Yes, they may be comfortable, but they do look like rubber tires strapped on your feet. They make even the most petite feet look like water skis. Don’t succumb. [P.B. is busted on this one, but never wears here Keane’s in a ministerial setting.]

8. Tevas. They have their place–on the beach, or hiking. Not at a conference or on the streets of any city. [Amen, sister!! - P.B.]

9. Suspenders and the female equivalent, Overalls. Men–you can get away with wearing suspenders if you are William Jennings Bryan. Women–you can NEVER get away with wearing overalls. NEVER. Overalls are for farmers not for the feminine sex. And if you EVER wear them to a professional conference, you should be redirected to the Wheat and Corn Growers Conference in Iowa.

10. Aviator sunglasses. they may be coming back in style, but when combined with a comb-over (see below) they make you look like an extra from “Boogie Nights.” [P.B. notes that she refuses to date men who wear wrap-around sunglasses, and most especially the kind with the mirrored lenses. They are SO 80’s skeevy!]

11. Comb-overs and long grey hair on middle-aged men. This is the counterpart to PeaceBang’s admonition to “snip that pony tail!” Men, embrace your baldness. Take a tip from gay men and cut it hair short. You really aren’t fooling anyone because we see the back of your head, even if you can’t or don’t.

12. White knee socks. Usually worn with funky tennis shoes, this makes most men look like Humpty-Dumpty (especially when combined with a middle age belly).

13. Mullets. You would think this hairstyle has received enough bad press that it would be forever banished, but I saw the worlds longest mullet on a woman recently–short up front, long (to the waist) down the back. Why? what’s the point of that? Please–”cut that mullet!”

14. Sensible shoes. Why do women think there are no “sensible shoes” other than orthopedic shoes from “foot smart?” And then, to add insult to injury, coupling them with skirts, as if no one can see those shoes? There are amazingly cute, comfortable shoes, with no heels that actually work–check out the Skeechers website for example–troll through Zappos online, look at Ecco or other possibilities, but STOP BUYING SENSIBLE SHOES.

15. Wrinkled, rumpled anything. Most hotels have irons and ironing boards. Why do people show up to a professional conference as if they just slept in their car? If you are one of those people whose finances prohibt you from staying in a hotel, then I completely understand…rumple away. But for the rest—use the iron and maybe even include a bit of starch! Furthermore–if your wrinkled, faded t-shirt is stained or has even one hole…then for heaven’s sake–throw it out! [YES! If your t-shirt has a stain on it, even a small one, TOSS IT. Do NOT be tempted to wear it in public.]

16. Dog and Cat hair. I know all about your pets from the amount of hair on your black sweater. Let’s see–a long-haired white Angora; and that looks like Golden Retriever fur. There are simple things one can do in the absence of a lint brush–pick up some masking tape and blot your sweater–or better yet–don’t let your cat sleep on your laundry.

17. Facial Hair looks good on Santa Clause, but men, unless you are the real Grizzly Adams, trim your beard, your ear and nose hair–regularly. As we age, hair does pop up in more volumnious amounts and in strange places. Do not let the forest take over. Hack it back.

18. Pegged Jeans. You thought they looked good in the 80’s, did you? Now your middle aged body has spread so that the high-waist and skinny ankle jeans only serve to emphasis your rear end and belly. If you insist on wearing jeans, go for the lower waist and boot-cut length variety. Why women insist on wearing ankle-tight jeans that make their butts and bellies the prominent feature is beyond me. [As Emily Neill says in her book “Closet Smarts”, tapered pant legs don’t look good on anyone. Ignore the fact that they’re back in fashion.]

Well dear PeaceBang, thank you for being the sounding board for my frustration. Of course, I am hardly perfect myself, but honestly, there were so many very lovely, but sloppily dressed people at this conference, I just wondered–was I at a professional conference, or at summer camp?

Beauty Tips For Moderators

The Rev. Ms. Joan Gray has been elected the Moderator of the PCUSA, and we wish her a hearty congratulations on it and godspeed in her important venture.

She looks lovely and almost beatific in a recent photo in the Christian Century — well-lit, looking skyward, smiling beautifully, and wearing great lipstick and blush.

PeaceBang’s only recommendation to Madame Moderator might be to grow out her bangs a bit, and go with a sideswept style. We believe it would enhance her natural beauty, give a bit of balance to her lovely heart-shaped face, and be a little more sophisticated than her current blunt bangs.

Good luck with all that “Presbyterian compromise” business, Joan! Sounds like you’re in for some late nights, too!