Beauty Tips for Ministers

How To Hem Pants

Dear ones,

Reader Karen E submits this query:

I am an avid reader without even being a clergyperson! Imagine that. Here’s my question: If I have shoes of various heights - flats, loafers, shoes with heels (not spikey, but a bit high) what’s a good way to figure out how long or short to hem my suit pants? Don’t want high water pants with the lovely heels, but don’t want to drag all over the street when I’m wearing flats or loafers or other shoes suitable for walking that I also wear with those same pantsuits. What’s a good solution?

Dear Karen,

Thanks for writing!

This is an important question, as it highlights the problem of promiscuously interchanging all our wardrobe items when really, we would be better served by thinking of most of our clothing as being in the category of “work” OR “casual” — not both. If we did this, why, there’d be no more wearing of scrubby jeans and wrinkled tee-shirts to the office! And PeaceBang thinks that would be a good thing.

Every professional woman should have casual pants and work pants in her wardrobe, and hem the professional pants for a moderate heel. Very dressy pants should be hemmed for one’s highest heels, as they can be worn longer.

What that means for you, Karen, is to make sure those pants are hemmed to the right length for heels. Tell your tailor your dilemma, bring shoes of both heights, and see if you two can find a happy medium (long-enough for heels, but on the shorter side of “long-enough” so you can wear flats). You may not be able to wear your suit pants with your flattest flats. You will have to make some decisions.

One of the most awful sartorial mistakes PeaceBang sees ALL the time on male and female clergy colleagues is the Too-Short Trouser, which makes ones legs look shorter and which conveys, if anything, anti-elegance. Add to that some bunching around the derriere and horrid pleats in the front and we have an occasion of outright Trouser Tragedy!

Friends, your friendly neighborhood tailor can help you find the right height for your pants. Bring in your moderate heel and look for the back of the hem to hit an inch or so above the floor. My “dressy” jeans (dark denim, flared bottom) are hemmed to hit the floor in flats, because if I wear them on a professional outing, I wear them with 2-3″ wedges or heels. Too-short jeans always look atrocious. Please, ladies, please stop wearing your jeans to the top of your ankles. If you’re going for a capri look, that’s not it.

And now PeaceBang is off to a week-long colloquy on theodicy and is having a devil of a time figuring out what to pack. Important People will be there, but the conference is on the beach in Cape Cod and the conference center says to dress “casually.” What that means to PeaceBang is that she should do her best to walk the fine line between “I’m on vacation and don’t give a hang what I look like” and “I really respect these speakers and participants and want to spruce up for the occasion.”

I think this will translate as nice, crisp tee-shirts and cotton skirts, 2″ wedge flip-flops (I’ve given up: everyone wears them now), and nice cotton pants, more crisp tees and big funky necklaces. My nod to respect means no shorts, no capri pants (I’m too lumpy of body for them to ever look neat and polished enough), and none of my summer-favored Boho get-ups (gypsy skirts, babydoll dresses, huge hoop earrings, schmattas on the head, etc.).

Oy, the things we have to think about!

Small Purses At Conference: It Can Be Done!

Bonjour, lovely people!

PeaceBang is quite tired this morning, having hit that point one hits at every conference where the cartoon bubble above her head is one big scribble– like the one Snoopy used to have when he was very confused or overwhelmed. PeaceBang calls this the Snoopy Scribble.

(Digression: I also just learned that my beloved high school music director is retiring next year and this news has my chest hurting as though someone shot a cannon ball at me and said, “CATCH!” Why would this news make me so unutterably sad? Arthur Sjogren has given decades of service to the New Canaan school system and deserves a wonderful retirement, which he shall have. I suppose this is just about Time Marching On and Crushing Us All Under Her Bierkenstocks As She Goes.)

ANYway, darlings, speaking of aging and such, PeaceBang has noticed that she isn’t as able to sling around fifty pound book bags as she used to, and has lately suffered the effects of loading herself up like a sherpa before and after class, not to mention schlepping an enormous purse at all other times. Her massage therapist, generally a gentle person, strernly admonished her to give herself a break from shoulder bags lest she wind up with real damage to her skeletal and muscular system.

As a result, PeaceBang is actually getting through General Assembly with a short-handled cotton purse that must be carried by hand rather than slung abut the body. She carries in it a cosmetics bag, small wallet, camera, small pad and pens, and hankie. She plots out her course for the day and leaves her big program in the hotel room.

This has been liberating in many ways, and also beneficial to PeaceBang’s physique in that she doesn’t end the day stretching out on the floor of the hotel groaning like one recently raised from the dead.

Also, the purse has a very high cuteness factor. Photo forthcoming.

In the interest of full disclosure of her own sartorial sins, PeaceBang confesses to her readers that three days spent in sandals with unforgiving straps and heels has led her to don Keenes for the day. Even worse, she was seen last night in 3″ wedge FLIP FLOPS. Darlings, it was that or suffer circulation problems that might lead to amputation. And PeaceBang likes her feet!

Be well, my friends! Kiss of peace from Portland!

Batik! The Musical

Hola darlins!!

I am here in Portland, OR and heading to my room for a nap before meeting some Reverend Chicks for dinner and an outing to {{{Enter angelic music}}} Powell’s Books.

So far, I must report that the colleagues are looking much more professional this year!
I’m just concerned that so many of us seem to be glowing with a kind of preternatural exhaustion and luminescent complexions that, in an earlier era, bespoke a penchant for pinches of arsenic.

Give me a day or two and I’ll be running around with Pastoral Bronzer dusting up the palest among us.

The biggest bloopers in the clothing department thus far seem to involve BATIK garments, which I think are supposed to impart a kind of creative, goddessy vibe but unfortunately read more as Flower Child. I saw one batik poncho with highly visible bra straps and one batik jumper with a seat so tight it will take all PeaceBang’s willpower not to follow worriedly after the wearer of said jumpsuit with needle and thread, safety pins, or a modesty sheet.

Tomorrow: fanny pack patrol!

Packing Vestments

Could I be MORE sick of trying to figure out what to pack for this conference? It’s not GA that’s the issue — it’s trying to figure out how to fit in a week’s worth of vacation duds in the same bag. As George Bush the Elder would say, “NOT GONNA HAPPEN.”

So I’m taking one suitcase and a nice matching rolling duffle.

By request of my colleague, The Lively Tradition, I have to wear vestments for a Communion Service (why can’t I just be the keepin’-it-real, friendly-type co-officiant in civvies, I’d like to know?) so after much thought I’ve decided to pack an alb and stole — all scrinched up to fit in the suitcase, and to be taken out later and given to hotel housekeeping for a dry cleaning and press. It will cost a pretty penny, I’m sure (more like a stupid, wasteful penny) but I’m taking THREE FLIGHTS out to Oregon tomorrow and I’ll be darned if I’m going to drag a garment bag around with me. Scott’s suggestion of shipping it out there seems expensive and complicated, sorry darling.

Also, there is no way I’m going to figure out that One Bag thing, but nice try, sweeties.

PeaceBang is the crankiest girl in town right now. Garumph, garumph, garumph! Upstairs for more packing.

Packing For General Assembly

What I did first was go to my closet and figure out what I already had that might work for a conference setting.

I decided on a color theme (browns, white and touches of blue or bright pink), which helped limit my choices immensely. I will include some black pieces but most of my outfits will be in the brown-white general category. I made a conscious choice to avoid anything drab, anything remotely pastel, or anything very soft (no florals!!). No flowy garb, no ankle-length broomstick skirts, no being swallowed up in fabric. All my prints and colors are bold and there is a definite bohemian touch.

I had a manicure and chose a very dark, dramatic polish, which helped me decide which jewelry to pack (bold pieces, some shine factor, nothing small or delicate).

Other accessories will be a faux pashmina shawl (the kind you buy on the streets of NYC and that my mom and I refer to as pashmiNOT), a scarf for my hair, a belt, and one small purse (in addition to my huge shoulder bag).

I am deciding on shoes: they have to be comfortable enough to wear all day, to walk considerable distances in, and still have at least a modicum of fashionability. It’s a tough decision, because I’d like to bring five pairs, but no way! It’s got to get down to two, plus flip-flops for the travel day.

I am bringing three pairs of pants (nice jeans, black and brown trousers) and one skirt. I will bring one blazer, one cardigan and four blouses. I am packing a dress for the first time ever. I have to bring an alb and stole.
This is a lot, I realize. However, I just feel better with a lot of outfits; it makes me feel less like every day is an exhausting repeat of the day before it.

It’s nice not to be doing much presenting or presiding at GA this year. Therefore, I don’t have to pack any very professional outfits: the white blazer is a little strange (white!?) but it’s just a comfortable jacket and it’s bound to be cool in Portland. I love white in the summer.

Tomorrow I tackle the toiletry and cosmetics bag!

For those who are in a similar packing phase, a few tips:

1. Do decide on a color theme and stick to it so everything mixes and matches.
2. Do pack an umbrella — it’s the Pacific Northwest.
3. Do pack things that you’ve tried on and know fit. I went up about a size or so in shirts — dammit! — but rather than sit around pulling at my blouses I purchased two very useable tops on sale.
4. Do consider that you’ll be interacting not only with colleagues during Ministry Days but with lay delegates the rest of the week. Let’s look like we respect our work and our movement, people. Wear your tees and Crocs on professional days if you must (and must you?), but consider spiffing up a bit for the larger convention. Pleeeeaze???
5. Hotel rooms and convention halls are notoriously dehydrating. Pack a rich facial moisturizer and use it every night. A pair of white cotton socks and a good emollient foot cream (Shea It Isn’t So makes a great travel sized one) can be a great help in avoiding cracked heels.
6. Start getting good sleep, eating especially well and taking Vitamin C now. If you’re traveling cross country, you’ll be spending a long time in under-oxygenated, filthy airplanes. Bump up that immune system stat!

The Flying Cleric

As we come into High Conference Season, you may be taking a look at your toiletry kit and stocking up on wee-sized toothpastes. PeaceBang is such a product hound that she wrings her hands in dismay over having to leave 90% of it all at home. What will I ever DO without my special hair-smoothing serum for those late afternoon frizzies? Should I have left the Neosporin at home? Can I really go for two weeks without my soothing cucumber masque?

In the end, I’m fine with moisturizer, deoderant, toothpaste and … a 10-lb. bag of other assorted toiletries. I’m sorry. I do try to minimize every year. So far it’s not going very well.

But the real problem for me is that the airlines no longer allow big containers of fluids in carry-ons, and my flying kit has been sorely compromised as a result. I am not a comfortable, confident flier. These are the things I need to feel good about getting on the plane:

1. inflatable neck pillow so I don’t loll and drool on the person next to me.
2. a HUGE bottle of water.
3. Emergen-C packets — I take one on take-off and one near the end of the trip.
4. Lavender sniffing bottle.
5. Orange aromatherapy stick from Origins.
6. Organic antibacterial handwipes.
7. Seriously hydrating lotion suitable for hands and face.
8. Gum and/or chewy candy.
9. Dramamine non-drowsy (which always knocks me right out anyway)
10. Eye mask.

I also prefer to take all my toiletries on the plane with me because they give me a sense of emotional security (therapist alert!) and it’s very hard to wave bye-bye to them as they roll away in my checked luggage. I have had my luggage lost so many times I know enough to pack a nightshirt and clean undies in my carry-on, but I want my toiletries, too!

Anyway, it’s not too early to start thinking about what you’ll need for you comfort as you fly about doing the work of the LORD.

Also, if you don’t want to get into a big, tiring and dehydrating chat with the lady or gentleman sitting next to you, it works if you put your satin eye mask over your mouth and nose and immediately open your book as soon as you sit down. I guarantee that if you do this, no one will strike up a conversation with you.

It’s really not that I’m an unfriendly Christian. It’s just that I get motion sickness from turning my head and trying to maintain a conversation with someone sitting next to me. Ask Rali if you don’t believe me.