Well, they’re back. They’re back in a big way this season. So let’s review:

This is what the new clog looks like: cute and high-heeled. My manicurist was wearing these yesterday and they were darned adorable. Franco Sarto, available at Macy’s. I don’t love the rubber sole but they certainly are non-slip!

Very sharp. Very appropriate for a minister’s wardrobe.

Also nice. By Born.

Suede can be really nice, but you have to keep it clean. These heels aren’t quite so high.

You know what I think of these: frumpy and you can do better. And no, this doesn’t make them less frumpy:

I know there are a few of you out there who can carry these off, but there are many more of you who think they’re FUN and who aren’t at all carrying them off. Especially not with big, floppy linen pants and jackets, long beaded necklaces and “creative” specs. There’s a fine line between creative and kooky/eccentric/who could possibly take her seriously?
Wait. I take it back. No one can get away with those. Those are just plain hideous.

These clog Mary Janes are FRUMPY! ALWAYS FRUMPY!!! PERIOD!! No more Miz NiceBang on these!! They. Are. FRUMPOLA.

These are so much better!


Very sophisticated for summer days at the office.

Keep your clogs all polished and nice, now. They get dingy fast and you want those little hooves to look like they didn’t just come in from the barn.

(All the photos came from the Zappos.com website. Do a keyword search for “high-heeled clogs” to find them for yourself.)

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Peace Bang, I realized I have a bit of a pulpit clothing story to relate, and who else would I want to share it with? None other than PB, of course. Mostly because I think your fabulous, well-groomed nature is rubbing off on me (an outfit! with accessories!).

I have grown up in a large suburban UU church that has sheltered and supported me throughout my life. As I began expressing interest in ministry, the church has continued to encourage my exploration: I have been a member of the Ministerial Intern Committee, and a couple years ago, I was asked to do a reading for two separate services for Christmas Eve, in front of 1,000 of my closest friends. This year, I offered again (to our overworked ministers) and was asked to do two readings.

As my family buzzed about getting ready to leave for church, I peered into my travel bag to see what I had thought to bring to wear. I’d be up in the pulpit, next to our senior minister, in front of hundreds of people. No pressure. I threw on the pants and sweater set I had thought to bring and—of course, amid wedding planning and the holidays, I’d gained a few pounds that made those lovely soft-cut corduroys into skin-squeezing stretchy abominations. Thankfully, while packing, I’d asked my fiancé if I should bring a skirt. “Sure,” he said, to my eternal gratitude.

So I threw on what I’d brought “just in case”—a classic black sheath (my mother said it hearkened Jackie O: modest neckline, hemline to the knee); with a white cardigan (three quarter sleeves), a double strand of silver linked oval chain, and the kicker (literally): red Bandolino pumps (low heel, pointed toe, plain leather). My hair was swept off my face in a side part low ponytail, and I had light makeup (soft brown to accent my eyes, and au naturale pink lips, as usual). I felt professional, festive (thanks, shoes!), classy, and beautiful. I think it was clear I wasn’t a minister (aside from the lack of robe and stole), but I’d like to think I gave some dignity to the situation.

I can only look back in retrospect and hope my outfit passes the PB test. I’d like to think that my outfit struck the right balance, for a young twenty-something, non-minister, in the pulpit for Christmas. You’re rubbing off on all of us, PB, so thanks.

Brava!!! Bravoo! Bravay!! Thank God for those “just in case” instincts we have, for they can make a huge difference between, “Well, I’m dressed pretty okay for this occasion, I suppose,” and “I FEEL SO RIGHT AND GOOD AND POLISHED IN THIS OUTFIT THAT I AM GOING TO GIVE THE GOSPEL READING WITH EXTRA JOY AND CONFIDENCE!” An actual “outfit with accessories” is exactly what we should all be wearing whenever we participate in worship, and yours sound just perfecto.

Let’s take a look at some of the elements:

Absolutely fantastic, classic, appropriate. White cardigan and RED BANDOLINO PUMPS FTW!

Beautiful, elegant necklace (yours had two tiers, this one has five):

And just enough make-up and hair-do to feel put together and to communicate a sense of occasion.

Well done, my dear! And thanks for writing. You have reminded me that I have an LBS that’s too snug right now and that I want to fit into soon.

Kiss of peace, PB

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My Next Big Fashion Search & Purchase (one day, when I have the time and money) would be a pair of low heel (less than an inch), round toe, riding boots. To be worn with jeans or cute dresses/skirts, a work horse of a boot (comfortable, eight-hour boots). They’re pretty popular right now, and I love them in a beautiful brown-camel-cognac color that reminds me of cowboy boots and soft leather.

However, typically, I’m a black kind of girl (i.e., black vs. brown). If someone asks me to pick a neutral, it’s black– black purse, black coat, black shoes, black tights. I’m a winter/spring/summer– I look great in reds, blues, purples. Nothing with yellow in it, no green, no orange, no brown. So I don’t OWN a lot of brown. However, as much as I’d LOVE these low-heel riding boots in a camel-ey brown, I’m just not sure how I’d work it in with the rest of my wardrobe (especially with skirts/dresses/accessories). Any advice for incorporating a not-my-color item into a wardrobe?

Dear Sarah,
Camel-y brown boots are a neutral, darling, and they go with everything including black. They’re an instant classic and you can wear them with all colors and in all seasons (although you probably only want to wear them in cooler weather).
There is absolutely no need to be too matchy-matchy with accessories — try branching out a bit and getting some non-black neutral colors you like into your daily wardrobe! Try a rich navy bag with your black suit, or taupe shoes and opaque stockings with a black dress. Get a bright pink beret and pink and gray gloves to wear with your black coat, or add a sparkly purple pin for a dash of color.

By all means, don’t wear colors you don’t like, but don’t be afraid of color.
Enjoy, darling! Let us know how you do! I bought a pair of mid-calf height light brown riding boots with a braid detail that are all worn out and stained by now and I ADORE them. I am so, so glad I bought them as they bring just the right amount of interest and character to otherwise hum-drum outfits. And they’re GREAT on those light snows that aren’t so deep that you need snow boots but are enough to make the sidewalks and driveway slippery.

That ain’t so much a brown boot as it is cow-colored. Heck, you could wear these with a pink sundress if you wanted to! Not that you’d want to, but you could certainly wear them a whole lot of your everyday clothes.

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Thanks to Alert Reader Louise H. for the link!

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Similarly, if you preside at worship with a colleague who is also an age peer, and he looks terrific and vibrant and snappy and you look drab and like you simply rolled out of bed, brushed your flat, badly-cut hair, put on the ugliest shoes you could find and came to church, you’re going to invite inevitably unfavorable comparisons. As in, “Yowks. He obviously has a following here and is loving this ministry. The other one, though… clearly second-class citizen on the ministry staff.”

We should never, ever announce by drab appearance that we feel like a second-class citizen in any ministry. Or if you must, why not just wear a sign around your neck? “MY COLLEAGUE IS THE CHARISMATIC, WELL-GROOMED ONE THAT YOU’D PREFER TO LOOK AT AND LISTEN TO. PLEASE PAY NO ATTENTION TO ME. I DON’T REALLY BELONG UP HERE.”

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How can a parishioner gently tell a new DRE that her clothing is inappropriate? Last Sunday at the Christmas pageant the minister wore a robe and lovely crimson stole; the choirs were all in robes; the Joseph, Mary, Shepherds and Angels looked fabulous; and the DRE had a pale [color deleted to protect the innocent] shirt tail hanging out under a shapeless [color deleted until writer enters Witness Protection Program] pull-over jacket thing over black pants. She was the *only* person not dressed for the occasion, and I suspect she may try to pull the same outfit off on Christmas Eve.

She’s [middle-aged and I have reason to believe that she] comes from the “clothes are so bourgeois” school of fashion rejection. I *like* her, but I wish she’d honor our traditions. How can I help her understand that she looks like she doesn’t care about the pageant?

KIDS, DID YOU HEAR THAT? That part about SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE DOESN’T CARE? That’s what PeaceBang has been yammering on about for lo these past years or so. Harken! Harken up!

Cringing with bummerdom, I responded by saying,

Ohhhh boy, that’s a tough one. But if you have the courage to tell her directly, I would. I would just pull her aside, gently and kindly say right to her face exactly what you said to me, pat her on the arm, and beat it the hell out of there. It’s not a discussion, it’s an important piece of information for her to have. “You look like you don’t care” should prompt her to get her act together. If she doesn’t, I would talk to the minister (assuming that the minister is the DRE’s supervisor). Tell the minister that the DRE needs guidance in dressing more appropriately for special occasions (which would include all Sundays in my not-so humble opinion).

There’s no easy way to say, “That skirt is really cute but it’s just too short for church” to an intern or “You have a piece of toilet paper stuck to your shoe” to a music director. But sometimes it has to be done. I take the cue from my parishioners who have collared me on my way into the sanctuary on Sunday mornings to whisper things like, “I knew you’d want to know that your skirt is stuck in the waist of your pantyhose” or “Come here, you have something stuck in your teeth, go check before you go out there.” It’s not personal, it doesn’t mean you’re not loved. It’s important information. Treat it lightly, say what you need to say, and remember that feedback given in a straightforward and respectful manner is never humiliating. A bit of humor couldn’t hurt, either, if you have a good enough rapport to fit it in gracefully.

Good luck, writer!

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Dear PeaceBang,
I recently attended a workshop where I was the lone Congregationalist minister among a group of amazing Episcopal women priests and rectors. Dress was casual, so I wore slacks, a twin set, a cute scarf, flats, and modest jewelry. What struck me was how all these (middle aged) women of accomplishment, personal beauty, etc., wives and mothers all, at this meeting dressed in ways that utterly negated their femininity: very short cropped off hair, very baggy sweaters/shirts/pants, sensible shoes, and most of them badly needed a bra intervention. It was as if they were trying to look like honorary men to be in their field. It bothered me enormously. Surely, this is not progress! I’d be interested in your comments on this phenomenon.

Dear Amazed,
This is the phenomenon to which PeaceBang, in her own irreverent manner, is constantly calling our attention.
I don’t think this is so much about trying to be “honorary men,” but about these worthy women being afraid to be polished and put-together, not knowing how to be, or having internalized the pernicious and naive message that “those things” don’t matter.

As PeaceBang is always, always affirming, those things DO matter. They matter tremendously. Drab, aggressively sexless, sartorially clueless people in any profession make a statement by their very presence, and that statement is not a good one. Some of the non-verbal statements such appearance makes are:

1. I do not want anyone to look at me.
2. I don’t deserve attention; being noticed is something I am not prepared to accept and a responsibility I do not want.
3. I am harmless; in fact, I am passive. The world is happening around me and I hope to be invisible in it.
4. I don’t care. I occupy an alternative universe where appearance doesn’t matter — and if you notice that I am frumpy, it must be because you are not as holy as I am.
5. (similar) You should be enlightened enough not to be distracted by my terrible clothing and ill-fitting undergarments: what’s the matter with you? This isn’t my problem, but yours.
6. Please do not mistake me for a leader. Isn’t it obvious from my demeanor and my attire that I have no desire to represent any ideal higher than that of personal comfort? If there were camera crews outside covering today’s event, my on-camera appearance would immediately communicate to the public that nothing of real importance happens in here.

I have been writing this column for several years now, and it makes me sad to hear these reports. It makes me sad that so many clergywoman still write me letters accusing me of being materialistic and sexist and judgmental when really, I’m just reporting how public image works and is interpreted in the dominant culture. If religious leaders want to have a positive influence in the world, it really helps if we understand — and accept — how the world works. As always, it depends where your ministry is. I am writing mostly for parish ministers located in secular communities where the Church is seen as a quaint, easy-to-ignore institution that dabbles in good works and engages in arcane rituals of no interest to sophisticated, intelligent people. Being insistently invisible and schlubby in our appearance is just another way to validate that image.

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Dear PeaceBang,
I have a large bosom. Now that the weather is cold(er), I am wearing more sweaters and shirts with high collars. The problem is that I look REALLY top heavy. Like an armor-plated medieval knight. How can I fix this? Should I just give up turtlenecks for good?

Dear Sir Bulk-A-Lot,

As a sister Knight in the Order of the Bodacious Chest, PeaceBang totally understands your concern. Too much fabric around the neck and upper body not only can make us look strangely large and out-of-proportion, it can make us look uncomfortable, as though we’re strangling.
I think layering lighter fabrics works well. Try wearing a fitted, lightweight-long sleeved T-shirt (they even make them in “layering weight” now!) a cardigan over that, and a cute scarf around the neck. In other words, instead of wearing one big bulky garment, play with layering lighter layers. That’s why I own a ton of cardigans and little jackets and scarves.

If you break up the neckline (eg, mock turtleneck, V-necked cardigan, loose fringey scarf), you will most certainly avoid the breastplate look you wish to avoid. There’s no reason to shun turtlenecks entirely if they work for you: just don’t pair them with a fitted crewneck sweater. Try something with a deep V-neck and belt it at the waist to draw the eye downward. Secret tip: wearing belts can help keep you warmer, since they stop air from circulating around your mid-section! Es verdad!

Stay warm!
Kiss of peace,
PV

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http://www.boston.com/lifestyle/fashion/articles/2009/05/07/dressing_over_40/

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When that happens, hang in there. Usually this discomfort won’t linger: it’s a temporary phenomenon. If it does linger, it will be important to set aside a few hours to try on almost everything in our closets to determine whether or not we need to make a major visit to the tailor. Bodies do change, pigeons.

In the meantime, however, PeaceBang finds that a uniform of well-fitted black slacks, black shell, black cardigan and bright colored scarf is very easy to manage and perfectly serviceable for most seasons. The all-black outfit isn’t the most wonderful thing you’ll ever wear, but if you feel self-conscious about your body, it serves to streamline everything. Add a few terrific accessories (fun earrings, a big, dramatic ring, great shoes), and you’ll look fine.

When I feel lumpy and bumpy, I return again and again to a variation on this outfit: trousers, fitted shell and cardigan. It’s not just a question of body insecurity, it’s also about simplicity. I like the line of those garments and I enjoy accessorizing that basic outfit.

But knowing that you have a good, classic pair of black pants and black cardie and shell on hand is like money in the bank. It gives you a stand-by for your regular workday so that when the more special events come up, you’re sick unto death over the process of standing in the closet wondering What To Wear.

Cardies can be young and fresh.

Ombre is very “in” right now, and you know PeaceBang feels about the crisp white blouse!

This would look lovely with a colorful cotton scarf. Cardigans don’t have to be all buttoned up, literally or metaphorically.

A slim belt will give you nice waist definition and make the simple outfit quite smart. The animal print here strikes me as a bit too shiny and sleazy for ministry wardrobes, although I love animal prints in general (in moderation).

(Can you imagine standing around like this in real life? It’s like “Reverend Saturday Night Fever.”) Plus-sized people, avoid bulky or too-sporty cardigans. They can make us look like an Enormous Woodland Mammal.
I like the deep-V of this style and her heels are FAB. The sweater itself, meh.

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