And then Peacebang attended a Ceremonial Event and one of her colleagues was wearing Bierkenstocks with vestments. But not just that: Bierkenstocks with panty hose.

And PeaceBang knew her work was far from done.

This goes for all of us, with all trends. And let’s not call them trends, because that sounds so frivolous and ephemeral. Let’s say, “style changes,” which helps us understand that when we pay attention to fashion, we are not falling prey to some kind of idiotic consumerism but respecting that just as there are changes and innovations in, say, Scripture interpretation, there are also innovations in how people look — especially people who strive for a public image that communicates an interest in what’s happening today, now. It is the way of the world. Those who claim in superior tones to be “above it all” are not actually above anything at all but are merely stubborn, in denial, and very likely lookin’ pretty frumpy out there.

Do flip through a mainstream fashion magazine at least once a season. You don’t have to buy it; just flip through it. Do take a moment to check out the displays in store windows and at flagship stores in the mall (Macy’s and Dillard’s and Banana Republic, not “Forever 21″ or “Hot Topic.”) Do be aware of why that Hawaiian print collarless, buttonless jacket in your closet that falls to mid-thigh is hopelessly 1980’s, and not in a good way, and be aware of the latest cuts and silhouettes. Then translate them to your own body. There is never just one classic or fashionable look available at a time, sweethearts, there are many. If boxy, short jackets makes you look like a big meatball, don’t get NEAR them. Find a short belted jacket with fun pockets in a great color. Add a belt to one of your favorite classic cardigans and pair it with a blouse that’s more au courant. There are thousands of options for you to choose from, and lots of creative ways to update what you already have. You just have to pay attention, be willing to weed out your closet at least annually to get rid of hopelessly outdated looks that will immediately identify you as stuck in 1993, and learn what works for your shape.

Remember: Just Because It Still Fits Doesn’t Mean You Should Wear It.
And if you truly have no wardrobe budget and foresee no possibility of having one in the near future, stick to classics (nice black trousers, crisp white blouse, classic pumps, blazer) and make sure they fit well and are kept impeccably clean and pressed. We should all be clean and pressed, of course, but if you have six items hanging in your closet and only six, you’ll feel better about them if they look really immaculate. There’s no need for a big wardrobe anyway. There is, however, a need to pay attention to wildly out-of-date garments you may still be donning on a regular basis and to part ways with them.

Regardez, pigeons! It’s all about this kind of thing now:

And not so much about this any more:

It’s also totally not about any of these blazers from Chadwicks, which are just ugly for lots of interesting reasons: ugly, cheap-looking colors, ugly plaid, ugly 80’s patterns and ugly, trying-to-be-fashionable cuts. Yikereenos!!

It might be a little bit of a challenge, but see if you can step out of the boxy blazer-with-blouse look. There are beautiful options out there that can add a whole lot of flair to your wardrobe and that are especially great for church events when you want to look like a person who actually has a sense of fun and doesn’t need to be all buttoned up all the time. Of course, that might go against the clerical image you’re trying to project but if it doesn’t, but all means enjoy some of the terrific new jackets on the racks this season. They’ve been on sale long enough that you can find some very nice ones considerably discounted. PeaceBang just scored a very flattering black cotton jacket much like the top photo for $19 at Macy’s, marked down from $75. I’ll wear it with a pencil skirt and some heels, and I’m still figuring out what blouses and shirts will work with the cut.

And now, back to The Sermon That Does NOT Want To Be Written!!!!!!!

PeaceBang is taking a moment of quiet to check in with you while the beagle sleeps in the living room and the cat sulks upstairs in her own little room after a little “let’s get to know each other” encounter on the stairs that didn’t go very well. PeaceBang is trying to Breathe Deeply.

Transitional seasons like New England spring are difficult. It’s easy to fall into a Frump Slump and wear the same bundly sweaters and blazers and earth tones, being grateful we can skip the heavy coat and leaving it at that. But let’s not do that. Let’s remember that we have an opportunity to look as though something miraculous just might happen — like Christ rising from the tomb, for example, or the Democratic Party deciding not to act like a bunch of stooges around the Obama-Clinton race. Let’s add bright spots of color to our winter outfits in the form of light scarves or bright shoes or a nice Eastery-hued tie on the guys.

Women, how about baby pink or hot pink paired with brown? Looks fab. Or a wonderful turquoise top or earrings with a denim skirt and white t-shirt? Get out your knee-length springtime skirts and wear them with nubby cardigans, opaque tights and cute flats in a matching color. Carry a bright yellow bag. Get our your white boot cut denim summer trousers and wear them with a black sweater and white faux pashmina wrap with butter-colored boots. Be creative.

Look at the items in your closet with fresh eyes, and get out there and be fresh. In a good way, I mean. Not like a certain beagle puppy I know who hasn’t been neutered yet and who keeps trying to make puppies with all the female visitors to the parsonage.
Naughty Max!

I attended today’s service with a friend and his comment at the end of everything was “They are better than anyone else at making a space for the Mystery.” And I said, “I couldn’t agree with you more, but that Acolyte totally should not have been wearing Merrell Jungle Mocs with white socks under her robe.”

Everything else was glorious.

This doesn’t mean that you have to run out and drape yourself in these particular colors, but you might add a splash of it here and there it if suits you. There are as many yellows and oranges as there are fish in the sea, so why not? Try a few hues out. Maybe a beautiful sunny orange purse. Or a belt. Or a pair of pumps with a black suit.

I don’t like the hue of this jacket at all myself, but there it is again… orange.

As far as those white capri-length pants go, don’t even think about it. There is no reason whatsoever that any woman in a dignified profession should wear capris to important functions (this includes meetings, Sunday events of any kind or anything but a July lunch meeting). I’m also sorry to say that capris are for the very young and gaminesque. Think Audrey Hepburn with her darling little ballet flats and square, boxy jackets. Capris, if they are worn at all, have a zipper and a button. If they are worn in the drawstring, elasticized-waist version, they are not proper work attire at all but more accurately referred to as “pajamas.”

If you insist on wearing ankle-baring pants, and I know some of you will, for goodness’ sake pair them with smart, structured garments on top. Say, a crisp linen shirt with a belted, fitted shell underneath and a nice wedge heel. Earrings, a nice bracelet, nice hair and make-up. If they’re pin-striped and structured, wear them with black flats, a CWB (Crisp White Blouse) and a lightweight blazer. Dress ‘em up. And yes, they do need to be ironed.

Lookee here! Seems Charla Krupp is a big expert on that very thing, and I would take her really seriously except for the fact that she looks kind of desperate and delusional in her own author photo. She has a great bod, but that top is way too tight and “LOOKA ME, I’M OVER 40 AND STILL HOT!” kind of way. I’d love to see her tone it down with maybe just a scoop-neck sweater with a slim belt around the waist, would accomplish the same thing but without the sense of screaming insistence for attention. Charla, you?’re so pritty! Relax on the skin-tighties, okay? Let’s give the teenagers someone to look up to! Right now it looks like you’re trying to compete with them, and that’s bad for Womankind.

Her advice about lightening the hair is a good one — but with some PeaceBang caveats. By all means cover the gray (if it’s not a beautiful, flattering gray) and avoid dark monochromatic helmet hair. But not all women over 40 should go blonde or anywhere near blonde. Caramel and chestnut brunettes, classy auburns and deep glossy blacks (think Angelica Huston) can all work beautifully. The challenge for hair after 40 is that it have a distinctive style, that it flatter the skin tone, and that it have body, shape and shine (all signs of youthful vitality), not that it necessarily be just lighter. There are some GODawful blondified senior gals out there, suffering from Mousse Abuse and looking like those dead dandelion heads, dried-out and dead. Lighter is not necessarily the answer.

I am definitely scared of the models showing off those garish sculpting undergarments (that which PeaceBang personally refers to as Severely Constricting Undergarments, and recommends to every woman over 30 who isn’t super fit). Their make-up is like something out of a community theatre production of “Cabaret.” Are they just moments from breaking into a verse from “Mein Herr?” I feel I must leave the room for my own safety before the Bob Fosse stomping and throwing of chairs begins.

Charla’s advice on jeans is RIGHT ON, so she gets a PeaceBang Halo of Praise for that! Likewise, she is dead on about not being matchy-matchy (I am so sorry when I see clergywomen in those hideous skirt-and-jacket suits in pastels or bright colors like magenta or green or sapphire blue, you know the ones, with the little scalloped lace detail on the collar? It’s obvious that so much care has been taken to look so “put together,” but the effect is total Mother of the Groom — repressed, grandmatronly, the opposite of vital and creative). She’s right that bangs are very in right now and could work for a lot of you (but not bowl-cut bangs and not too short).

So overall, a good article. Worth a skim through the photos. If anyone gets the book, let me know if it was worth the money.

CULLAH! Isn’t that a terrific color!? Wouldn’t that just give you a lift? Imagine it with a pair of terrific black trousers and pointy pumps or flats. Voila. You walk into the nursing home in that top and I guarantee you’ll be a beam of sunshine. (I might wrap a sheer sage green or white scarf around my neck for the nursing home if the neckline dips as low as it looks like it might). You can go right from the nursing home to a staff meeting and then out to dinner (whip off the scarf first). For those who want to start taking a few little risks with their personal style, color is a great place to start. If this feels too loud for you, that’s fine. But how about a blouse the same color paired with a dark blazer? Tied together with a belt and a vibrant lip color? Step out. See how you feel.

More CULLAH! A far more modest cut, but it still has a fetching shape to it, and so snuggly! Again, pair it with a pair of terrific trousers and some boots with a heel. Pull your hair back and roll it in a messy chignon to give yourself a neck, add a pair of interesting dangly earrings and you’re so much fun! If you’re pale-complected, be sure to wear some blush so you don’t look washed out.

LINE! Pants is pants is pants, right?
No! Just because we can zip them and bend over without splitting the seat doesn’t mean that our pants are fitting us well. Please take the time at the store and the tailor and get it right (or as right as you can, and that means burning all elastic-waist pants in the new year).

Pants should have an elegant line that flatters your shape (gentlemen, you too! Pear-shaped fellas should make sure their trousers aren’t too short and/or in any way fitted or tapered around the ankle, and this includes jeans — and for our portlier gentlemen, please stop wearing your pants down around the, um, where the zipper should be. The waist of your trousers should sit at your WAIST. Find it, or have your tailor help you find it, and get your belt around it. This isn’t easy if you have a big gut, PeaceBang understands. And she sympathizes that you don’t have the option of wearing a skirt. But she has too often lived in fear that her heavy male colleagues might accidentally “drop trou” in the midst of pastoral duties and feels the need to say something about this sartorial challenge. Getting pants to fit both a large stomach and a typically flat masculine derriere is why we pay our tailors good money and treat them like gold. P.S. guys, layers can camouflage “figure flaws.” Like, if you need to wear your pants belted way under a beer belly, make sure your sports jacket fits well and can button in front. Wear a bold-colored tie to bring visual interest to your face and get a great hair-cut. Spiff up your spectacles, keep your facial hair impeccably groomed, and treat yourself to more hours at the gym. Take care of your dear selves).

PeaceBang has a horrible, horrible body shape for pants and shops for trousers with the grim determination of a prison matron searching her unfortunate charges for contraband: “I know ya got something in there! Give it up!”
Because of her lumpiness, PeaceBang’s pants never look good, nor do they ever fit quite right, but they fit as well as is humanly possible. Add some Seriously Constraining Undergarments and that’s as good as it gets for this meatball. My point, and I do have one, is that human bodies come in a wonderful variety of shapes and sizes and pants are therefore a notoriously difficult garment to fit well. It’s really worth it to search far and wide for a make and a cut that works for you, then remain loyal to it.

And as an added cultural commentary, PeaceBang has been simply HORRIFIED to see on-air personalities on the morning shows applauding make-overs featuring poor women whose pants seem to have eaten their feet!! Whence the sudden popularity of hems that drag on the ground? Whatever the source of this fashion faux pas, PeaceBang sternly decries it.

Skirts is skirts is skirts? Not so. Shapeless skirts are awful and aging on everyone. If you like long skirts, see how this one actually has a shape?? Pair it with a blouse or blazer with darts and you’re in business. A belted top would be even better; perhaps with a creative cascade of pendants or chains. Resist the temptation to pair it with a sweater that goes past your hips or you’ll look as though you’re drowning in fabric (especially if you’re a shortie). I saw a very petite gal at a seminary conference last year wearing a skirt of this length with a long thick sweater (and I mean long: it went well below mid-thigh). She also had a pageboy haircut worn with an Alice In Wonderland headband. The combined effect was that of a little girl home from school waiting for Mommy to give her milk and cookies. She could not have physically diminished herself and undermined her own authority more if she had worn a Little Bo-Peep costume. Don’t let this happen to you.

And how about this cutie? VERY much in fashion right now, a great color, and would be entirely appropriate for a pastor as long as she counters its youthful insouciance with a neat and tailored top, say, a black twin set and knee-high black boots with opaque black tights. Because of the fullness of the skirt, you’d want your top to have good coverage (no drooping or scoopy necklines) and keep accessories simple. Hair should look polished, not cute (no headbands with this), and a classic bag will finish your look off beautifully. If the color seems de trop for you, do consider the shape. It’s very “in” right now and it’s far more forgiving to women’s hips than the pencil skirt. This should be worn with elegant flats, or perhaps a chunky-heeled Mary Jane but not a clog or anything even vaguely belonging to the “sensible shoes” category. Boots would be good.

Go have fun. PeaceBang is going back to finish watching “That’s Entertainment II” and to enjoy the last night of peace before church life starts again full swing for 2008.

It’s such a good idea to have a professional quality headshot of yourself for those times you’ll be appearing in a brochure, catalog or flier. Do get someone to take one for you and keep it on hand, and better out-of-date than to have nothing appropriate at all.

Give some thought to how you want to look in that photo. Do you want to be in natural lighting or inside in the church? Do you want to be wearing vestments, a suit, or something more casual? What image do you want to project? It’s a great idea to have a few options so you can pick and choose.

PeaceBang herself has a decent photo taken in the church in 3/07 by the producer of “Nightline” (on nothing more fancy than PB’s digital camera) and a “personality” headshot suitable for theatre lobbies, but nothing formal. She is reminding herself that she needs to do something about this.

That said, PeaceBang has just run into two ministerial headshots that caused her to gasp in dismay. In one, a middle-aged woman is hunched down in the frame smiling tentatively, her hair laying (lying? grammar geeks, do tell) in lank pools around her shoulders. She appears to have no neck whatsoever. Her head is at an awkward angle and her skin is a very angry shade of pink; a case not of Rouge Abuse but of a naturally ruddy complexion. It is a terrible, sloppy photograph that never should have been used for any professional use, and which badly undermines this person’s efforts to promote herself as a leader. Don’t let this happen to you, sugarplum fairies!

The second consternation-causing photograph I found online tonight features a middle-aged male pastor looking dead-on into the camera lens and leaning forward with a smiling expression of such insecure need it’s as though he’s going to JUMP THROUGH THE LENS AND MAKE YOU LOVE HIM!! He is wearing a stole over street clothes (why, I have no idea — I wasn’t aware that sitting for an informal snapshot was a pastoral function). Does this photograph make me want to visit this minister’s church? Quite the opposite. In fact, it makes me want to RUN AWAY from fear, for the look in this man’s eyes and his posture give me the distinct feeling that he has serious boundary issues, and that’s no laughing matter.

Some tips for informal photos to be used for promotional materials:

1. Sit up straight!!! and find a good, relaxed angle.
2. Practice your smile. Some people grimace and look pained when they pose for photos, some smile with their tongue between their teeth. There’s no shame in finding a nice smile.
3. If photographing in color, take some test shots to see that your skin tone and make-up look right.
3. Take a lot of photos: this image is IMPORTANT! Do not feign modesty and walk away after the first snap. You are responsible for your public image — take the time and effort to get something good. If you use digital it’s no trouble at all to take two dozen photos in different poses and facial expressions, download them and choose the best.
4. For God’s sake, fix your hair!
5. Gents, if you’re being photographed in a suit in a seated position, pull the jacket down and smooth it so the shoulders aren’t bunched up.
6. Ask someone with good aesthetic sense to be your stylist for the occasion. They can keep a critical eye on bad hair, wrinkled or bunched clothing and give you someone to smile AT, which makes your expression ever so much more genuine.

Go be beautiful!