Beauty Tips for Ministers

Good Lord, Whatever Happened To A Nice, Ladylike Frock!??

*sputter, sputter*

Are these dresses meant explicitly for the sex workers of America, or am I missing something????

For those of you with young daughters, PeaceBang extends her condolences. It must be a HELLA challenge keeping your mouth shut while they go about dressed in these outlandishly revealing items.

Just about knocked my bonnet right off my head when I saw those. Sakes alive.

Dressing “Younger”

Precious ones,

I watched most of an “Oprah” episode yesterday where she had on two fashion experts whose goal was to help frumpy women in their 30’s, 40’s, 50’s and 60’s keep from dressing “old.”

They did have some great advice, such as
1. Just because it still fits doesn’t mean you should be wearing it.
2. Dressing old (as in old fashions) makes you look old, and (in the words of one of the experts) “clueless.”
3. As you get older, show off your shape through excellent and flattering fit, not by revealing skin. The older you are, the less skin you should be showing (not that this means covering up from neck to toe, it just means wearing opaque stockings with the shorter skirts, etc.). Getting older = becoming more elegant.
4. Highlighting your waist is always a good idea, says Stacy London of “What Not To Wear.” Get the line of the bazoom where it should be through the judicious use of effective undergarments and draw the eye to the natural curve of the waist. If you truly have no waist, draw the eye to the lovely swanlike neck, or to the face, or somewhere else, I suppose.

HOWEVAH, many of the make-over outfits were really awful, ugly and what I would call “try-hard;” that is, they looked nothing like what a normal woman would wear for a normal day of work, running after kids, etc. It was more like, “This is SO FIERCE! I am a Hollywood fashion person and I live in total unreality about what an actual middle class woman can wear and afford, and also in total unreality about what actually looks good! Listen to MEEEE!”

Some of the pieces were admittedly terrific, but it was FAR more the hair and make-up improvements that made these gals shine than the new clothes they were sporting from Nordstrom and Saks.

The moral of the story is that there are a lot of self-proclaimed experts out there who are in bed with the clothing manufacturers and designers and whose bread is being buttered by the fashion industry. It is therefore in their best interest to persuade you that a huge, wide, patent leather belt over a chunky sweater is JUST THE THING you should have right now, or that really, a BIG PONCHO will truly highlight your fabulous yoga figure if you wear it with “figure-skimming” white pants and a fitted t-shirt that probably cost $175.

PeaceBang, on the other hand, gets ZERO dollars from anyone for writing this blog, for advising her readers, and for testing products. Her bread is being buttered by her church and only her church, with occasional gifts of thanks coming in by PayPal from those grateful for her advice and caring. Which is why, if PeaceBang ever seriously advises your wearing a big ole poncho or cape over tight white pants, you can bet she has seriously considered its usefulness for your lifestyle, your image, and your pocketbook.

It had to be said, so I said it. Kiss, kiss.

Sometimes It Takes a Man

PeaceBang has been a life-long adorer of drag queens and everything they’re about: over-the-top flair, unabashed excess in hair, make-up and the other accoutrements of outrageous femininity, sacrificing comfort for beauty, and using a combination of humor and sexuality to flaunt their stuff. They are about illusion, extravagance, in-your-face gorgeousness, bells and smells, baubles, bangles & beads. They are an ironic pageant of Womanhood, a reverent mockery and manifestation of Goddess Herself with man bits firmly tucked away beneath spandex and ace bandages. I am enchanted by and jealous of drag queens — they possess a wild, strut-your-stuff flamboyance that more women would have if that kind of Attitude hadn’t been beaten, and burned out of us over centuries of patriarchal abuse and control.

Viva la drag queens! There are many who are dear to my heart, but I have learned today that actor Patrick Swayze, the creator of one of my dearest and most inspiring drag queens in cinematic history, MISS VIDA BOHEME (from “To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar”) has pancreatic cancer. I just want to say here that I sincerely wish Mr. Swayze healing blessings, and want him to know that for me, he is immortalized in his creation of Vida.

If you want to read more, I wrote about this over at PeaceBang blog, too.

The Full Day-Lewis Situation

Having just found, and reeled back in my chair from, this full-length photo of Daniel Day-Lewis and his wife, Rebecca Miller taken at the Oscars the other night, I just had to share the crazy:

Gentlemen. Tuxes. To be worn with black dress shoes. Not … suede brown loafers to match the bad piping on the tux that should not be there in the first place. But it’s Daniel Day-Lewis. We forgive. Miz Miller. Gorgeous. Talented. There is no earthly explanation for the gown (did those flowers come from the set of “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory?” Are they CANDY?). But, Lord give me strength, do I see wacky, ziggy-zaggy black and white pointy-toed pumps peeping out of that hemline?

PeaceBang feels a little faint and invites us all to offset the potential cosmic disturbance caused by this ensemble by dressing in extremely classic, elegant outfits tomorrow.

(Thanks to www.GoFugYourself.com for providing the full head-to-toe exposure.)

PeaceBang’s Oscar Round-Up

FIRST of all, this year’s Best Actress, Marion Cottilard, stole my heart. I could do without the fish fin motif on her gown but she’s stunningly gorgeous, her speech was a study in Gallic charm, and I’m in love:

Also a study in absolute elegance and soignee gorgeousosity from across the pond, I give you the incomparable Helen Mirren, who looked even more splendid this year than she did last (and who thought such a thing was possible?):

(THAT’s how you wear red lipstick, kids, and she looked much better on the stage). Cameron Diaz, get on out of town with your drunken pronunciation, inelegant carriage and your death-colored lipstick. Step out the way and let the real stars show you how it’s done, honey.

As for the rest of the crowd, we were a bit tired of seeing so many black gowns that reminded PeaceBang of a community theatre production of “The Merry Widow.” Penelope Cruz, I’m lookin’ at you. Jen Garner’s was nice, but I’m not so into the tatty bottom thing.

Tilda Swinton can do whatever she wants in my book. She’s a true fashion eccentric and she’s riveting. Anyone who could casually turn her Oscar speech into an absurdist riff on George Clooney’s “Batman” era has my attention and respect. She’s a big, weird, fabulous clothes hanger of a woman with some of the greatest bone structure God ever gave to one woman.
Also a winner in the “Know Thyself” PeaceBang Tribute is writer Diablo Cody, a former exotic dancer who won for Best Screenplay for “Juno” and who did a sort of Pebbles Flintstone look for herself. I LOVE that she shunned a pair of famous designer shoes as a “cheesy publicity ploy” and opted for gold flats.

It was unfortunate that the minimally-talented, over-exposed Anne Hathaway made her presenter’s appearance in a de trop red gown
only to be followed by the luminescent Katherine Heigl in a second memorable red gown. Heigl may as well have had a banner across her chest reading, “HERE’s how you do a red gown, Hathaway!” Indeed, Miss Heigl. Indeed.

Jon Stewart did a marvelous job, and the cutest moment of the evening was when he brought the adorable little songstress from “Once” back onstage to give her a chance to give her acceptance speech without being cut off by the infernal Bill Conti (love ya, Bill, we know you’re under strict orders from the producers — but in the future, cut off gushy Julia Robertses or Halle Berrys or whining, indulgently weepy Gwynny Paltrows, not sweet girls from Ireland who still have some perspective about themselves and what the award really means).

“Project Runway” Digression

Well darlinks, some of you inquired so let me say this –

I have not seen any of the new season of “Project Runway” but I did go to the website to check out the new designers and watch some clips and I’m a bit WORRIED. If these are the promising fashion minds of the new generation, PeaceBang is biting her nails with anxiety. A leopard-print shirt with an acid green tie? Positively harrowing! Bleached white hair and a beret? How tired is that!? My god, I was doing the extreme hair color and beret look in 1985 — and let me tell you, I wasn’t exactly the fashion-forward sophomore at Northwestern University. And speaking of that decade, KEVIN, Dave Navarro called from 1982 and he wants his facial hair back. Aren’t you cute, though. And that bald boy who won the first challenge? Swoon! You don’t get biceps like that from hand hemming skirts, kids. That child works out.

Who is this person called Sweet P? What is that all about? How can I take you seriously with that name, and with that shapeless raspberry-colored thing you’re passing off as a dress? What a puerile combination! And Victor-YA? Victoria is a perfectly elegant name — it happens to be my own name, in fact — what were VictorYA’s parents thinking when they mucked up the spelling like that? Because by the looks of it, she’s the only one of the bunch who can actually dress herself, and therefore she gets PeaceBang’s Very Preliminary Vote for most likely to survive at least the next round. I can’t wait.

One more question, though: Is EVERYTHING going to be GREY this season?

Check it out for yourself here.