Hello, Young Pastors Whoever You Are

Don’t cry because you’re alone,
all my good wishes go with you tonight,
I’ve had a church of my ownnnnn,
I’ve had a church of my own, like yours,
I’ve … had… a…. church…. OF… (big finish) …. MY…. OWWWWWWWWWWWN!

Now that I’ve got that little “King and I” moment off my chest, my doves, let me address this query:

I have been following your blog for several years now, ever since a seminarian friend referred me to your article, “What to Wear for CPE.” It was such a huge help, thank you!

I am now turning to you for further help. I am now a young, female hospice chaplain. I worry sometimes that I look too young to be taken seriously. I am tempted to dress in business-y clothes (dark, tailored pants with button down shirts) to look more professional, but I also want to make sure that I look approachable, friendly, and warm. Our dress code is business casual and I have a personal requirement that my clothes be machine washable.

Do you have any beauty tips for a young hospice chaplain? Thank you so much!

Hello dear heart,
My simple advice to you would be to dress in business-y clothes (dark, tailored pants with classic tops, blazers, grown-up shoes, etc.) and BE friendly, approachable and warm. If your dress code is business casual then you need to dress in business casual. Quite seriously, hon, if you take yourself seriously you shouldn’t be worried that others won’t take you seriously. BE serious, have a deep presence, and no one will care how old you are. They may comment on it, but they won’t have trust issues with you. They will have trust issues with you if you pepper your phrases with “like” and use gee-whiz expressions all the time, or if you have hair cut like a little boy or if you wear your clothes two sizes too big (or too small).

Remember that adulthood started at about age 15 100 years ago and internalize real grown-up gravitas. Make sure your voice doesn’t sound like Minnie Mouse on helium, put your shoulders back and walk like you’re somebody. Pray with authority, wear a serious watch, and cultivate a direct, confident and caring gaze.

Claim it, woman. When you feel a bit more confident of the age thing you can soften up your clothes (I think cardigans with nice blouses are great for chaplains), but do what you have to do at this point to dress like a grown-up until you really feel like you’re being seen as one.

12 Replies to “Hello, Young Pastors Whoever You Are”

  1. As a 31 year old clergyperson, I am working on a theory that folks (especially elders) take young women most seriously when said young women wear their hair up. I’m all about the aesthetic of messy hair that my generation favors and I have great curly hair. But when I’m doing anything pastoral (facilitating a meeting, counseling, preaching) I always wear it up and back–not severely but tidily. This practice was very helpful to me when I was 28 and doing CPE in a Catholic hospital. (“Are you the priest’s secretary?” I was asked on more than one occasion.)

  2. One of the lovely things about hospice work is that everybody enagged in it- families, clients, staff- pretty much lets the crap fall away, and gets to the important stuff- relationships, love, getting said what needs to be said, brutal and clear truth–pretty darn quickly. so expect some comments about looking young. business casual with spots of color and elements you love (see PB for hints). machine washable is a must- becasue you will get dirty, and people will cry on you…all for the love of God and each other

  3. PB doesn’t need me to validate her advice, but I’m going to anyway. I volunteer (sing at bedsides) with hospice clients, both in-home and institutions and have encountered chaplains in all settings. It’s always good to know who is family, who is part of the medical staff, and who is the chaplain. PB’s advice ensures that we get the visual clues we need.

    I live in the San Francisco Bay area, so hospice chaplains sometimes get a little more “creative”, but you can’t go wrong with PB’s recommendations.

  4. I was in the same boat — a very young looking hospice and hospital chaplain (now not so terribly young looking!). Here is my uniform for the job: comfy shoes, black or dark brown pants, a high blouse (because I am so over bent over next to someone’s bed), and a cardigan or a jacket. I still get all kinds of comments about being young, pretty, or female. I just deal with those comments quickly with a thank you (deciding to take each as a compliment rather than a vote of no-confidence) and move along. PB is right–if you know deep in your spirit that are called and invited to be there, the age and gender thing goes away.

  5. Been there. Was 22 the summer I did CPE and got my world rocked. Some people will respect you. Some will not.

    Look like you know what you’re doing, act like you know what you’re doing, offer God’s love, forgiveness, and a listening ear, and eventually you’ll find out that you do indeed know what you’re doing…

  6. I would add that if you are required to wear a nametag (most are today, right?), do so every minute you are working. And if you are not required to wear one, get one made that is easy to read and includes your title. Insist, even if you are a temporary employee. It IS hard to tell who is family/friends/other professionals and honestly, a nametag helps more than any clothing ever could.

    I love PB’s advice about eye contact. A lot of the authority you will convey is simply about your personal confidence. You don’t want too much, or too little of that! Hence, the eye contact. Solid handshake or other acceptable greeting. Deliberate, considered speech. Oh- and make friends with silence and awkward pauses.

    As for clothing, when I was in your position, I dressed too “old” for my age b/c I was scared. Not inappropriate, just frumpy and in blocky cuts, too-thick knits, etc. I think tailored and dark is a great first step toward your personal style. This time of year, a strong collar on a fitted wool plaid suit jacket might be just the thing. (Wool isn’t machine washable, but it is easily wipe-able and air-out-able.)

  7. I’m a 26-year old pastor who often gets told she looks 14. I’m all for acting confident, doing the job well, eye contact and all that – but I also feel strongly that clothes are sometimes the only thing we youngsters have left to make us “seem” older or more professional. I often joke that I can’t add wrinkles to my face but I can dress in a way that helps me look more established. That’s why I’m a dedicated PB follower!

  8. Can I “like” a comment here? “ofgreengables” I completely agree. 35 and still getting mistaken for a high school or college student (seriously). A suit, some heels and grown up makeup go a long way to not looking like the pastor’s daughter.
    Early on in my ministerial carreer while running the sound system at a community event (picnic so I had an excuse to be dressed down) I had a nice lady ask where my mother was and if she knew what I was doing.
    To the OP I would look at what your colleagues are wearing, if they are wearing a polo and nice slacks, wear a polo, nice slacks and an amazing jacket/blazer. Going the one pip beyond what your male colleagues are wearing will often allow you to look on a professional level with them. I don’t know why but us young looking females need that little push that will put us over the top, allowing us to go from looking like somebody’s daughter to the pastor/chaplain I can count on.

  9. Salve. You are salve for my bruised heart, Auntie PB. I am also a young pastor (and this is my first week in my first church) worried about “looking” the part. I’m glad to know my instincts were in line with your advice. And although my church is a small rural church and although I am the only professional living in this town and although I will spend 3 to 5 hours a week standing in a cow pasture visiting someone, I can still look fabulous and feel sassy. Thank you!

  10. I appreciate these comments, Everyone. I am a 52 yr. old female beginning a hospice chaplaincy internship as part of counseling grad program with a seminary just North of Philadelphia.

    As for dress, I do not want to look like a dowdy old person, and I normally dress conservatively-eclectic, that is – wraps, scarves, and statement jewelry over dark canvases. I now need to wear closed toe shoes, stockings (unless it is too hot) and darker colors. I wear my hair short and stylish salt and pepper natural; no more funky hair colors. The jewelry will be diminished.

    I am revamping my wardrobe of round-neck sheath-cut dresses with blazers and that black shrug to cover arms, along with tailored pant suits. Can I have a little pop of color? Can I follow my calling without looking like mud? I look forward to your advice for the not-too-young-spiritual professional? Thank you.

  11. Hi Marcia! I am not PeaceBang, but I just finished a hospital CPE program and you are asking some of the same fashion questions I did. Professional does not have to be boring and muddy. That’s the point. Tidy, yes. Intentional, yes. Conservative, in some ways. But not boring.

    I personally love dark/jewel tone solids with one shiny thing – a statement necklace maybe, or a scarf. I found that lots of hospital handwashing made rings and bracelets a nuisance so I stuck to jewelry that stayed out of the way.

    My site had a semi-professional to business-casual dress code: dress pants yes, cargo pants no; no sleeveless or low-cut tops, etc. I relied on two pairs of heavy knit dress pants in dark neutrals and my favorite is the one with a pocket for the pager. I’d usually put this with either a button down shirt (solid or patterned) and cardigan, or with a pullover sweater (solid) in cold weather. I stuck with machine washables for hygiene reasons. I tended not to wear skirts because my hospital shoes are a pair of clogs and it just looked too dorky.

    Sounds to me like your “conservatively-eclectic” style will work well for chaplaincy. Depending what you have in your closet, you might want: one or two blouses or shells in brighter colors to liven up your darker suits; a washable cardigan to wear over sleeveless sheath dresses; and the right shoes – comfortable for long periods of standing/walking if that’s going to be part of your job, closed toe/back, etc.

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