Fear and Trembling

Things I hope I don’t see at General Assembly:

Ministers in khakis with elastic waists, topped with a tucked-in (augh!) Standing on the Side of Love T-shirt.

Ministers in shorts. This isn’t summer camp.

Anyone in sandals with fungus toes.

Flip-flops or Crocs clogs.

Female or male ministers who obviously haven’t had their hair cut or trimmed since the Clinton Administration.

Triumphalist buttons or T-shirts that insult Christianity (including those stupid Darwin fish that insinuate that all Christians are creationist buffoons). Obnoxious, divisive message t-shirts in general. They’re not provocative and they don’t “make people think” — rather, they just make people think that you’re a jerk.

Fanny packs.

Ministers with sporty back-packs laden with water bottles and other camping paraphernalia. Again, this isn’t camp or Outward Bound, and you’re not a Boy Scout troop leader. Please don’t ask for a pass on this if your hotel is a mile away. There are other bags that are a step up, and the water bottles go INSIDE it.

Whining. We know it’s always freezing in those big conference centers: bring a shawl or sweater.

Bad hair-cuts, scraggly facial hair, big baggy parkas, Birkenstocks on clergy, wacky hats on anyone except Melanie Morel Ensinger (’cause she’s a belle and it’s her signature), anything with sports team logos on it, ill-fitting bras resulting in 3-Boob phenomenon, gapped shirts or other bazoom-related distractions, anything too-casual and sleeveless, drawstring pants, generally unkempt folk and wan, blotchy women who refuse to accept the good offices of Maybelline, Cover Girl, Clinique, etc. because of personal convictions that “it’s what’s inside that really counts.” We’re looking at you, sisters, and we can tell you that it’s also what’s outside that counts. Dudes, that goes for you, too. Norelco makes a very nice, affordable nose hair trimmer; look into it.

26 Replies to “Fear and Trembling”

  1. I remember a “Large Church” conference a few years back in Boston. The UU’s were at the same hotel as a comic book convention. It was the first and only time the UU’s were not the “stand out in a crowd” type. Men in suits, women with heels, and the wookies were not wearing chalices.

  2. My hotel is miles away and I have a rolling case like this one . May I bring it? If I put my water bottle inside? Also, are sandals of the hiking sort allowed? No, I’m guessing? I’m sure I’m already crossing numerous lines with garb, hair, and makeup, so I thought I’d see if I could conform in at least footwear and bag choices. 🙂

  3. Have fun in my hometown! I will be out of the country or I would beg a meet-up. I suppose you already have housing lined up.

  4. the whining thing is such a big deal–what is it with us religious types and our whining? Travel is always stressful, it can be hard to get basic needs met, but my goodness.

  5. Why do I feel that a chorus of “when you wish upon a star” would fit in here? I hope you can see signs of hope and redemption in the midst of the brokenness of creation. That’s all I can really say, if your Assembly is anything like ours that is.

  6. I want to know where I can find one of those other bags that are a step-up from backpacks that will also accomodate a 17 inch laptop!

    Only when I find an acceptable one will I reliquinish my backpack.

  7. …sounds like you want to start a UU version of the people of walmart blog. [The interesting thing is, Bill, that the GA clergy conferees who schlep around looking like a hippie version of the folks featured in the Wal-Mart blog profess to be LEADERS, and expect people to take them seriously as such. That’s what gets me. We’re so More Enlightened-Than-Thou, with our liberal ideals, and we still haven’t figured out that looking like slobs directly undercuts those claims. Which are deluded in the first place, but that’s another issue entirely. – PB]

  8. wacky hats on anyone except Melanie Morel Ensinger (’cause she’s a belle and it’s her signature)

    I beg an exception for Faithful Fools and their fans.

    Otherwise, rock on. Please, oh please, can we see some pictures post-GA? You could fuzzy out identifying details . . .

    –Amy, who always packs for GA with “WWPBD?” in mind

  9. PeaceBang, I am so with you and you are totally right … but conference-worthy clothes and shoes can be very tough to find.

    It’s mean and wrong of me, I know, but I always rejoice when I hear that “retail sales are down.” Get a clue, merchants. Who would spend serious money on shoddy, revealing crap that’s appropriate for exactly nothing that an adult would want to do?

    Their obliviousness makes it so, so easy to avoid the dreaded shopping altogether because of the effort required to find the one comfortable-and-not hideous pair of shoes or one decent wrinkle-resistant jacket in a mall the size of Delaware.

    Updated haircuts and a dash of blusher, not so much.

  10. I wish we could publish this list in the pre-assembly mailing we get every year. It would be infinitely more interesting than the proposed resolutions (and undoubtedly more useful).

  11. I know of so many colleagues and friends who don’t have the money for GA this year – either they don’t work full time, or their professional expenses were cut, or their church is really broke, and they don’t feel good about spending money on a flight, hotel room, and meals out. I’m feeling more privileged just to be able to go, than I ever have before. Fortunately, I tend to dress in layered, comfortable clothes anyway, so I don’t need to sink more money into clothes. And I’m perfecting my home pedicure!

  12. I guess the thing for me–about the materialism/cost/expense of clothes issue–is this: how different should conference wear be from one’s normal work attire? Chico’s, Jjill, coldwater creek, travelsmith–all have nonclingy, black or neutral, comfortable, stretchy, travel ready clothing that wears well and while not cheap, isn’t outrageously expensive for professional wear. Add some colorful shells and tanks, appropriate shoes and underwear, creative accessories, and a nice neutral bag, a smidge of makeup, and it works all year long for many years, traveling or not.

    Everyone is cutting back–I even–drumroll–colored my own hair. It looks fine, and the salon version does that costs 100X more does not look 100 times better. Next on the list is the home pedicure but that my friends is harder, much harder.

    the notion that denomininations should scale back the meetings–well that is not just a good idea, it is a great idea.

    [If I’m not presenting, I just wear normal everyday clothes. The big consideration is comfortable shoes and layers for freezing conference rooms. I don’t dress up as nicely as some of my colleagues. I don’t do business casual because I don’t really own any business casual. Just comfortable, packable pieces with a bit of attention to fun accessories so I can wear things multiple times. – PB]

  13. I’m packing most of that stuff you abhor — but in a duffle for Camp Unistar AFTER GA! I’ll review my Minneapolis carryon bag with your list in mind!

  14. I’m afraid I saw many of those offenses at our recent synod assembly. There is one offender that wears the same dirty brown sweatpants everywhere he goes. Ugh. I did get a new hair cut for the occasion. Got it cut and styled just before I left. Of course now I can’t style it the way she did but I looked great at the assembly.

  15. For you ladies struggling with the home pedicure – most nail salons will do a polish change for $5. It’s the feet soaking, scrubbing off the callouses and leg massage that costs $25. Do all that at home and just get the polish for $5.

  16. My husband does business casual for work and when I got to an event with him in one of my few appropriate outfits for such I feel like I am in costume! Once you figure out what works for you–be it lawyer drag or something dramatically different–life gets a lot easier.

  17. Our conference usually is held in mid-June in an un-airconditioned gymnasium. I wear shorts or capris and bring my own water bottle for environmental reasons. I will also bring my own chair in case they have those metal folding ones which can get brutal for 12-hour days. Who are you to lay down such stringent rules? It’s not church and it’s not work. As long as its clean and it covers you, I don’t care what you wear. [I do! That’s why I write this blog! But thanks for asking!- PB]

  18. I dress professionally (for me, that includes a clergy collar) for our assemblies. But until you’ve walked a mile in my feet, which have undergone surgery for plantar fasciitis, you do not get to criticize my wearing of Birkenstocks. Or anyone else’s, for that matter.

    I also carry a backpack (water bottle tucked inside).

    And I refuse to criticize my friends and colleagues for their choices, whether or not they meet my standards.
    [Well you go ahead, honey! My job is to help ministers integrate their mission and image in the world, to consider their stubborn refusal to look like important people doing important work and to see it for the insecure defensiveness that it really is, and to find attractive shoes that one can wear while suffering with plantar fascitis, which I myself have RIGHT NOW, and still don’t need to shuffle around in Birkies! But if you’re so convinced that your sense of ministry and your personal image are integrated and that you’re communicating externally all the powerful things about the relevance of Church that you feel internally, go do your thing and don’t bother yourself with this site. Bless! – PB]

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