Beauty Tips for Ministers

Florida Wedding

I had the wonderful joy of officiating at CousingBang’s wedding tonight out at the Jupiter, Florida lighthouse under a 130-year old banyon tree. Full moon, balmy wind, just beautiful.

It was a bit difficult figuring out what to wear for an outdoor wedding: I also needed garments I could smoosh into a suitcase from Boston because I’m sorry, I wasn’t going to pay an extra $25 to bring another garment bag!

I wound up going with a sleeveless brown and black print dress and sweater combo for the reception, and a lightweight duster that I use as a robe, coupled with a stole. The only thing I did to the duster to make it more appropriate for my use was to move the hook-and-eye closure up from the waist to the chest so that it would fall more nicely and cover more of my street clothes.

The dress is under there, you just can’t see it very well:

Here’s what it looked like with the little sweater and freshwater pearls.
I freely admit and confess that I wore patent leather FLIP-FLOPS to the reception because my feet hurt after an hour standing on a cement walkway and then for the ceremony in the wedges. It was a casual setting and I know that’s no excuse, but I did it anyway.

I wore two cocktail rings and had a French manicure, not this dark goth polish:

(TJ Maxx. Pearl and silver cocktail ring)

HEY, here’s something cool… I read the ceremony off of my Kindle!! And it was fabulous!!! I used it because I had technical difficulties with my little netbook and wasn’t confident that I would be able to print out the ceremony and use my usual binder, but as it was a windy night, it turned out to work beautifully for the site and the occasion. I am a total convert and will be doing all of my wedding services using the Kindle from now on.

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Game Face

Watching the State of the Union Address tonight I was struck by how distracting Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi could be. Joe’s incessant nodding turned into a drinking game (without the drinks) for my host, who spent the 45 minutes counting how many times the Vice Prez’s head went up and down. I had my focus pulled from the President a few times by Nancy Pelosi’s weird mouth movements: was she chewing a cough drop or something?
She also has a tendency to smirk, which I find a huge turn-off and which I assume has cost her much more than any of us would care to admit in political points.

The president even upstaged himself a little bit during his concluding remarks by gently banging the podium every time he folded his hands, which tended to be after every rhetorical point. For awhile, he got into a hypnotic kind of call-and-response rhythm with his bangs, which became more emphatic as he neared his conclusion. I almost wondered if it was an intentional rhetorical device, but I highly doubt it.

My point, chickadees, is that no matter how long you are up on that dais listening to someone speak or preach, be very aware that you are just as much under public scrutiny as is the speaker, and even perhaps more so. Be aware, be still (no leg jiggling, no eye rolling, no smirking, no frowny face, no overly-vigorous nodding), sit up straight and put on your best game face. If you don’t know what your best game face is, work on it in the mirror until you find it.*

(Kudos to Speaker Pelosi’s make-up and hair people, and to Joe Biden’s tooth-whitener!)

*PeaceBang is TERRIBLE at following this advice, by the way. She is working on it. She tends toward vigorous nodding, “insider” smiling (althoug not smirking) and “mmm-hmm”ing and “amen-ing” (which is fine in moderation).

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Mirror, Mirror On the Wall

OH pigeons,

PeaceBang has had a revelation. Actually, this is the fifth or sixth time she has had this realization, but now she is going to do something about it and say something about it. It is this:

Get a full-length mirror.
More specifically, get a full-length mirror that does not distort you either favorably or unfavorably.
Look in that mirror every day.
If you have the tendency to gain weight without noticing that you have, look in that mirror at least once a week as nekkid as the day God made you, including the side and back view. Just notice where your body is changing. Don’t be mean; this is the vessel of the Holy Spirit and your beloved spaceship for this lifetime. The point of this exercise is not to berate yourself or to pick apart your imaginary faults (and please don’t do this exercise at all if you have a history or eating disorders or body dysmorphia*), but just to notice if you are gaining weight. This would be a good time to weigh yourself.

This is similar to the full-length mirror that PeaceBang has at home:

A slight tilt and a slim mirror will always be slimming.

This is the mirror that resembles the mirror PeaceBang needs to get. It is wider, and she can mount in on the wall and avoid the “slimming tilt” effect:

$99 at IKEA.

Do not even say the word “diet.” PeaceBang does not belive in diets. She believes in “eat less, move more.” She also believes in honesty, as in “OH MY GOD, I HAVE GOT TO FINISH THIS DISSERTATION BEFORE I EXPLODE.”

My charming hostess (a former congregational board chair) reminds me to remind you that a full-length mirror in your church office is an imperative. I concur. THAT mirror is for checking for various askew bits and pieces (hem showing, pant caught in your sock, toilet paper sticking to your shoe, crooked stole) so you can fix ‘em before you go out to lead worship.

Kisses, darlings!

*As Joy Lightning reminds us in her comment, body dysmorphia can run in the opposite direction, too, which is how it runs with me. I simply don’t feel as large as I am and it’s easy to pack on a lot of pounds before I notice anything — and as Rachael Ray memorably remarked a few years ago, most clothing today will fit us comfortably within a 20-lb. weight range. Not that I usually pay a whit of attention to anything that Chuckles says, but that was spot on. – PB]

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PeaceBang To PeaceBang

How funny.

We don’t have Steinmart where I live, and I think it’s a great store so I went last night. As I was trying on clothes, I found myself saying, “It’s fine, but I don’t LOVE it… and PeaceBang would say not to get it if I don’t LOVE it.”

And then, “It fits fine, but it’s cut badly for my body, so that means it doesn’t really FIT. PeaceBang would not approve.”

I wound up with three garments that met the criteria of fit, something I needed and will wear a lot, love/excitement and fantastic price.

I just wanted to tell you that even PeaceBang sometimes heeds PeaceBang’s advice!

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Inevitable Comparisons

It just occurred to me today that if your church building is new and gorgeous and contemporary and you look in any way frumpy, the contrast will be especially striking. As in, “Wow. This building is stunning! So clean, so open, so bright, so majestic! The parements! The stained glass! The…. totally frumpy minister with the nerdy glasses and the dandruff. Ouch.”

Similarly, if you preside at worship with a colleague who is also an age peer, and he looks terrific and vibrant and snappy and you look drab and like you simply rolled out of bed, brushed your flat, badly-cut hair, put on the ugliest shoes you could find and came to church, you’re going to invite inevitably unfavorable comparisons. As in, “Yowks. He obviously has a following here and is loving this ministry. The other one, though… clearly second-class citizen on the ministry staff.”

We should never, ever announce by drab appearance that we feel like a second-class citizen in any ministry. Or if you must, why not just wear a sign around your neck? “MY COLLEAGUE IS THE CHARISMATIC, WELL-GROOMED ONE THAT YOU’D PREFER TO LOOK AT AND LISTEN TO. PLEASE PAY NO ATTENTION TO ME. I DON’T REALLY BELONG UP HERE.”

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PeaceBang Used To Be a Teacher, And Some Things Never Change

GET RID OF THE GUM.

GOD.

Is there any more effective way to look like a brainless cow and to make such sounds as to cause people around you to want to slap you silly?

Nope.

JUST GET RID OF THAT GUM, YOUNG LADY OR YOUNG MAN.
Spit if into my hand right now. *holding out hand*

There.

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