Beauty Tips for Ministers

Hibernating

Hello darlings!

Be back after a long winter’s rest (not that long, I promise. Just post-holiday slump). PeaceBang has some hunkering to do.

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Lee Cringe-On Nails!

Oh ick, ick, ick.
PeaceBang went to Office Max today to Fed Ex her passport renewal (super- expedited for buckets of money, my own stupid fault) and the kid behind the counter just grossed her way on out with long, thick fingernails, none too clean.

ICK!! Is there any grooming detail that evokes such an instant negative visceral reaction as men’s long, dirty fingernails? This young man also had dandruff going for him and a really nifty talent for coughing all over my materials. He carressed my debit card with his germy hands as though making a special effort to infect me with his crud, causing me to take out a handi-wipe and clean it immediately (with a smile! I don’t want that passport renewal getting “lost” in the mail!).

Also charming? His negative, sarcastic banter about a job-in-progress with another unkempt (female) employee behind the counter who sported 4″ sparkly gold fingernails and a greasy high ponytail that could have used a serious trim. What these two lacked in good grooming they made up for in arrogance.

1. Keep those nails clean.
2. Don’t let the customers hear you griping about work. We’re lucky to have a job, those of us that got ‘em.

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Best of 2009

What were your favorite religious books this past year?

I’m compiling my list.

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Best Of 2009

Good morning, kitty cats!
PeaceBang has a lot of work to do today and she is praying to the great God on high that she will NOT be tempted to waste time reading the plethora of “Best Of/Worst Of” year-end lists that come out this time of year.

However, she would LOVE to give you an opportunity to share some of your favorite moments in ministry from 2009. Transcendent experiences, community joys, favorite sermons, hilarious botches, pastoral tenderness, personal triumphs?

Tell it, kids.

Some of PeaceBang’s Favorite Moments In Ministry 2009 Edition:

My three weeks with the UU Fellowship of Amarillo, Texas, and especially our success in keeping the religious right from crushing a local production of “Bent” by hosting it in our building.

Preaching in English at our Partner Church in Kadacs, Transylvania and being simultaneously translated into Hungarian by my sister minister. Going on pastoral visits in the village and holding baskets of chicks on my lap.

Sitting in a hammock in the middle of the jungle in Nicaragua, helping translate a document on how American missionaries can more ethically partner with local providers when working on Isla Ometepe.

The intense struggle with my D.Min. thesis that has yielded some good chapters… and the work continues. Please God, let me finish in 2010!

Returning to church after sabbatical and seeing with fresh eyes how amazing the leadership is, and how wonderful the community.

Couples counseling. Being able to help just a bit.

Presiding over the funeral of the former Fire Chief of our town and standing at attention as dozens of firefighters — many of them chiefs from surrounding towns — processed into the church. Solemn and deeply moving.

Noticing the sad and very tender expression of a neighbor from the pulpit during another big funeral and realizing that I wanted to know him better. Taking that risk and finding someone very special as a result.

Doing a covenant consultation with a local congregation and watching them go from slightly bored to genuinely enthused about the meaning of congregational covenants as we talked.

Giving the eulogy for my dear friend Tim and getting through it without crying or wanting to.

Advent. Rehearsing the pageant with the kids. Singing “Do You Hear What I Hear?” during a sermon and feeling that deep silence and reflection moving between myself and the gathered church.

Christmas Eve, watching the choir process in singing “Adeste Fidelis” and hearing the organ again for the first time in a year.

Your turn!!

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Inappropriately Dressed Director of Religious Education

Uh-oh. This ain’t good. PeaceBang recently received this cry for help via her FaceBook page:

How can a parishioner gently tell a new DRE that her clothing is inappropriate? Last Sunday at the Christmas pageant the minister wore a robe and lovely crimson stole; the choirs were all in robes; the Joseph, Mary, Shepherds and Angels looked fabulous; and the DRE had a pale [color deleted to protect the innocent] shirt tail hanging out under a shapeless [color deleted until writer enters Witness Protection Program] pull-over jacket thing over black pants. She was the *only* person not dressed for the occasion, and I suspect she may try to pull the same outfit off on Christmas Eve.

She’s [middle-aged and I have reason to believe that she] comes from the “clothes are so bourgeois” school of fashion rejection. I *like* her, but I wish she’d honor our traditions. How can I help her understand that she looks like she doesn’t care about the pageant?

KIDS, DID YOU HEAR THAT? That part about SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE DOESN’T CARE? That’s what PeaceBang has been yammering on about for lo these past years or so. Harken! Harken up!

Cringing with bummerdom, I responded by saying,

Ohhhh boy, that’s a tough one. But if you have the courage to tell her directly, I would. I would just pull her aside, gently and kindly say right to her face exactly what you said to me, pat her on the arm, and beat it the hell out of there. It’s not a discussion, it’s an important piece of information for her to have. “You look like you don’t care” should prompt her to get her act together. If she doesn’t, I would talk to the minister (assuming that the minister is the DRE’s supervisor). Tell the minister that the DRE needs guidance in dressing more appropriately for special occasions (which would include all Sundays in my not-so humble opinion).

There’s no easy way to say, “That skirt is really cute but it’s just too short for church” to an intern or “You have a piece of toilet paper stuck to your shoe” to a music director. But sometimes it has to be done. I take the cue from my parishioners who have collared me on my way into the sanctuary on Sunday mornings to whisper things like, “I knew you’d want to know that your skirt is stuck in the waist of your pantyhose” or “Come here, you have something stuck in your teeth, go check before you go out there.” It’s not personal, it doesn’t mean you’re not loved. It’s important information. Treat it lightly, say what you need to say, and remember that feedback given in a straightforward and respectful manner is never humiliating. A bit of humor couldn’t hurt, either, if you have a good enough rapport to fit it in gracefully.

Good luck, writer!

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“Mom Bombs,” Belts And Big Girls

Lovely Reader K wrote in last week. She saith,

I hope you are well and ready for this weekend and the next!

I’ve wanted to write to you for a long time, so here we go!

Here’s the background: I’ve just begun the transition into pulpit ministry at my home church. I’m 42 and I’ve been a member since I was 7. (Yes, this is crazy. All of my clergy friends have told me so, and I’ve encountered lots of challenges. But I digress… That’s a separate email!) It’s been over 20 years since my church has had a woman associate minister, so I know I’m setting a tone. No pressure, right?

Here’s the situation: I am a big girl. I’m 5′11″ and my size ranges from 16-20. I love pants and I’m not a fan of jackets. I love long sweater cardigans and tops. My pastor and I don’t robe up every Sunday, but every now and then I direct the choir, and I need to make sure my glory is always covered. This summer/fall I discovered that some of those cute knee-length and above-the-knee dresses that are all over the place will work as tunic length tops for me. The cut has to be right, but I’ve found a couple that will work. (I have a pic of one.)

This weekend I was out shopping with my mother looking for a belt to wear with a cute Vera Wang dress she bought at Kohls. My mother told me in a way that only a mother can that I had gained a lot of weight lately and maybe I shouldn’t wear a belt with it. She suggested I wear something around my neck that would draw attention away from my waist. Sigh. After she saw the look on my face (keep blinking back those tears), she started trying to help me find a belt. It was too late. I ended up a couple of funky, long necklaces and wore them instead. It looked ok, but it’s not what I had envisioned.

So, do I have to wait until I’m a size 12 to wear a belt around my waist? Should I then toss out the (faux) wrap dresses in my closet? I don’t have a well-defined waist, so maybe I should avoid trying to define. ??? Do I ban my mother from shopping trips? Haha

If it helps, I have a couple of photos.

Thanks for everything you do.

I wrote back thusly,

Hi dear!
Well, belts can be tough. They really do work wonderfully to create a waist for those who don’t have much of one, but if we’re super lumpy, a smoothing undergarment helps a belt do its job.
It depends on what kind of big girl you are. If you’re tall and heavy and basically not a series of meatballs lumped on top of each other, as I am, I think wrap dresses and belts sound smashing. Why the heck not?

I think keeping the line of the clothes long and fluid (with cardies, etc.) is great for elongating the shape and creating an elegant look. Sometimes, seriously, a big necklace around the neck can chop up the body and make us look chunkier. So there, Mom! Strategizing the length of the necklace is important to avoid that.

Why don’t you send photos? Although my immediate sense is that you know exactly what you’re doing and just suffered the insecurity that any of us would feel after a Mom Bomb.

So K sent me these photos:

Vera Wang at Kohl’s. I seriously LOVE this. I actually love the long necklaces and prefer them to a belt. They’re very chic and the combo looks super comfy as well. Bonus!

Shoes by Sofft. What a wonderful color shoe for any pastor’s wardrobe. Goes with navy, black, grey, ivory, brown… great investment, because Sofft shoes are not cheap.

I love this tunic look — she’s shaped it wonderfully, it’s a terrific print for her, and the pants are just right. Hair, make-up, big smile… it all works to great effect. Brava!

After getting a gander at these photos, I wrote back to K,

I totally love these looks! This is the kind of thing I’m talking about — just bringing some pizzazz and creativity to our clothing. I LOVE the dresses and pants thing, because you have got the proportions exactly right: nothing is too big or too small, the belt is a great width for you (if you did a thin belt with that outfit it would be too bitsy with the bold colors, although I think you could do a thin belt with a more traditional sweater set combo. Sure, something at the neck would have been a nice touch with the orange dress but since it’s a fun print, you’re certainly not drab without it.
LOVE the purple shoes — we’ve got to get those online.
As far as the unintentionally hurtful mother thing, who can’t relate to that!!?So I encourage you to take mom on shoe shopping expeditions and jewelry/accessory/bag expeditions and invite a supportive friend to do the clothes shopping with. Seriously. Those throwaway “I’m just trying to help” comments can be so loaded with ancestral, internalized misogyny that we have to treat them as major emotional dangers. I look at you and I’m like, DAMN, WHAT A BABE! And a babe who knows how to dress.

Right?

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