Beauty Tips for Ministers

Blessing of the Cars

You read that right!

Cupcakes, we’ve all had our moments in RidiculousLand, haven’t we? For PeaceBang, it was officiating at a wedding on a little ship in Baltimore Harbor and trying not to tip over in her wedge sandals as she pronounced the happy couple husband and wife … and then realizing to her great dismay that she was stuck on the Love Boat until the entire reception was over. I almost jumped overboard and swam for it!

For Stephanie, it was being asked to offer a blessing at a car show in her town (or perhaps for her congregation? I wasn’t clear, but we all have our nutty traditions).
She sent me these photos to provide a perfect example of What To Wear At Extremely Informal Events.

(We had to include this photo for the optical illusion that, in Stephanie’s own words, “I have an American flag growing out of the top of my head.”)

Stephanie has a very chic short haircut. She looks lovely overall. My only recommendation would be to switch up the blue jeans for a pair of black jeans. YES, even for a car show, I think the blue denim is too casual and that the whole effect of the military-style jacket (which I LOVE!) and clerical collar would be better served with a pair of darker pants.

I think the untucked, form-fitting clergy shirt and form-fitting jacket are young and fresh and decidedly unfrumpy. The boots are great. But because the elements of the outfit are quite modern and youthful, Stephanie needs a bit of balance, which I would suggest come through her pants choice. I would have put her in either a pair of dark trousers with a wider leg (not “too big on her” but something with a bit of a bootleg quality or wider leg) or in a pair of black jeans.

A good general rule for the young hotties out there: wearing an outfit of all fitted garments can be a bit de trop. Because you have this TERRIBLE PROBLEM of being SO GORGEOUS for which we ALL HAVE GREAT PITY AND COMPASSION (*cough*), do add some professional balance by adding a bit of volume either on top or on bottom. This isn’t to say that you should obscure your figure, and this isn’t just a clergy recommendation: it’s about elegance and polish. If you’ve got a really fitted skirt, make sure your tops aren’t that snug. If you’ve got really fitted top, add some volume at the waistline and below. It creates a really great sillhouette and is actually a great trick for all of us.

Another basic BTFM recommendation for women is to never wear jeans to any blessing, no matter how informal. It makes the rest of the outfit that much easier to choose. Guys, I would say that you can generally wear jeans with a sports jacket but not without one. That’s just how PeaceBang rolls. I mean, if you’re blessing a Harley rally or something, knock yourself out, but you know what I mean. Stephanie is a young, mainstream Protestant pastor. If she was doing a biker ministry or blessing cars on a regular basis, I’d say that she needed bigger-badder-a** boots with chains on them. But she’s not, so she doesn’t.

Stephanie, thanks for sharing your beautiful self! I hope the cars are all sufficiently consecrated now for whatever their work in the world is.

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Just Cute

I happen to find this usher particularly handsome because I remember when he was in his mama’s womb.
What a great, welcoming smile!

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Bad Fashion and Styling At La Grand Dame

We are heartbroken to have paid a second visit to the very promising plus-sized clothing web site, La Grand Dame only to find these crimes against womanity gracing its pages:

A clingy midsection in screaming scarlet does this lovely lady no favors. Neither does the lank hair, cowl neck and wan face.

This skirt is a wrinkled mess. The garment itself is in trouble, but the photo is inexcusably bad.

The shapeless smock atop these garish legging is almost as bad as the leggings themselves. Yes, leggings are back in a big way, but NOT in patterns (especially for you, ministers — maybe for the under 20-set) and NOT in ill-fitting, baggy form like this. Disastrous.

These black pants don’t fit. They’re a rumpled mess around the hem. Who styled this website!!?

Is this, as the web site declares, the “perfect pencil skirt?” I don’t think so. But I can’t really tell, as the horribly tacky patterned stockings distract me too much to see the skirt properly. It looks too snug and too short.

This drab schmatta isn’t TOO terrible, but it’s pretty bad. The lines are bad, it doesn’t sit right on the model’s upper body, and her styling is all wrong. Why is she made up like a drag queen? This gorgeous gal is drowning in make-up!

This is a great look except for the unfortunate screaming ugly stripe of the wrap. What were they thinking? I’d kill for the shoes, though.

At well over $100, these dark denim jeans are neither fashionable nor flattering. Again: they do NOT fit. Look at all that floppy material around the thighs. Go to Lane Bryant and find the right fit for $40. The hem is unfinished and they’re just plain ugly. Can I please have those shoes, though?

She’s cute and it’s a pretty cute top, but wrinkled like that? And hundreds of dollars? I don’t think so. I can find something in a far more interesting color on the sale rack at TJ Maxx if it should come to that.

I would like to understand what make this incredibly expensive dress the Jackie O. dress. I don’t remember Jackie O. ever looking like a rumpled Catholic schoolgirl. This is an insult to plus-sized women. We don’t need this nonsense. And especially not for $348 dollars. They didn’t have an iron anywhere on the premises? During a photo shoot? If I was the designer I’d be furious.

We will certainly continue to revisit La Grand Dame in the hopes that they improve their offerings (the garments I showed are very pricey) and their styling. We are rooting for you Grand Dame! We encourage you to find a better stylist and photographer. I know you’re running a family business, but if we’re going to buy your clothes, they have to look good!

This is a YES! Interesting garment, good fit and vibrant. Please give that model’s hair some volume, though. And send the shoes to me any time. I wear a 6.5.

And this is also a YES because I would totally buy that top and wear it with a black suit over the holidays:
The hair and make-up and shoes look good.

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Inscribe These Words Upon Your Heart

“Just because I can get this garment ON does NOT MEAN THAT IT ACTUALLY FITS.”

Now, for a fuller explanation of what I mean, search for “Fit” in the right upperhand search engine on this blog. Read, learn, embrace.

Repeat after me, darlings:

“JUST BECAUSE I CAN GET THIS GARMENT ON DOES NOT MEAN THAT IT ACTUALLY FITS.”

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A Go-To Uniform For Your “I Don’t Wanna Think About It” Days

Sometimes, for whatever reason, nothing looks good on us. It could be an interior issue around low self-esteem, it could be that our bodies are fatter or thinner or less or more fit than usual. It could be that the sands of time have shifted our figures around and we will need to adjust our major wardrobe staples accordingly and haven’t yet figured that out. It could be a lot of things.

When that happens, hang in there. Usually this discomfort won’t linger: it’s a temporary phenomenon. If it does linger, it will be important to set aside a few hours to try on almost everything in our closets to determine whether or not we need to make a major visit to the tailor. Bodies do change, pigeons.

In the meantime, however, PeaceBang finds that a uniform of well-fitted black slacks, black shell, black cardigan and bright colored scarf is very easy to manage and perfectly serviceable for most seasons. The all-black outfit isn’t the most wonderful thing you’ll ever wear, but if you feel self-conscious about your body, it serves to streamline everything. Add a few terrific accessories (fun earrings, a big, dramatic ring, great shoes), and you’ll look fine.

When I feel lumpy and bumpy, I return again and again to a variation on this outfit: trousers, fitted shell and cardigan. It’s not just a question of body insecurity, it’s also about simplicity. I like the line of those garments and I enjoy accessorizing that basic outfit.

But knowing that you have a good, classic pair of black pants and black cardie and shell on hand is like money in the bank. It gives you a stand-by for your regular workday so that when the more special events come up, you’re sick unto death over the process of standing in the closet wondering What To Wear.

Cardies can be young and fresh.

Ombre is very “in” right now, and you know PeaceBang feels about the crisp white blouse!

This would look lovely with a colorful cotton scarf. Cardigans don’t have to be all buttoned up, literally or metaphorically.

A slim belt will give you nice waist definition and make the simple outfit quite smart. The animal print here strikes me as a bit too shiny and sleazy for ministry wardrobes, although I love animal prints in general (in moderation).

(Can you imagine standing around like this in real life? It’s like “Reverend Saturday Night Fever.”) Plus-sized people, avoid bulky or too-sporty cardigans. They can make us look like an Enormous Woodland Mammal.
I like the deep-V of this style and her heels are FAB. The sweater itself, meh.

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Duly “Noted”

One of the best gifts MotherBang ever gave me in my young years was gorgeous William Arthur stationery with my name engraved in rich green ink. The envelopes had a green sort of William Morrison flower motif, and the paper was rich ivory stock. She bought me both letter size and card stock. Elegant as hell.

I used those cards for years –to send thank-you notes, special fan letters, condolences – -and re-ordered them again and again over the next decades. I still have some left in my desk at the parsonage.

One of my favorite things to do at the start of the church year is to hunt for beautiful note cards. It can be a challenge, since many designs are either too big or too whimsical for my pastoral needs. What I like is pretty designs but nothing too saccharine. I also load up on sympathy cards, congratulations cards and thank you cards, although I believe that when in doubt, send your best monogrammed stuff.

As we rely more and more on e-mail correspondence, it is really special to receive a hand-written note. If this concept hasn’t occurred to you (and men, I am under the impression that for some reason, you have been less encouraged that women have been to sit down and pen notes — but if I’m wrong, please correct me!), get some notes and start writing!! Worry less about the design on the note card (but nothing too erotic — say, Klimt’s lovers embracing — or too sardonic– say, Andy Warhol’s soup can) and put your heart on the page.

I even buy stickers to seal the envelope with — sunflowers, usually — and I own a few actual wax seals. I used to design my own writing paper with rubber stamps, but who has time for that these days?

Yes, spelling and penmanship count.

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