Beauty Tips for Ministers

How To Tell Someone: Smelly Vestments Edition

Oh, heavens, kids!! We can’t have this! A Concerned Colleague writes,

Dear PeaceBang,

I love your Blog. It is always amazing to read through your posts. However, I do have a question of my own. I know of a fellow minister whose pulpit robe is in serious need of cleaning/dry cleaning. Do you suggest that I let her know that her robes are very odorous? Of course I would take her aside discretely and let her know.

There have been a few people that have mentioned to me that her robe is not pleasant smelling.

What do you suggest?

Thanks

Rev. XX

Dear Reverend Brother,

Thanks for loving my blog. My blog loves you back!

Yes, tell her!! Absolutely! Let me give you some support in doing so. Here are two possible scenarios:

1. Pick up your own pulpit gown in your arms when you and she are together on a Sunday after church and say, “Gosh, this is getting downright smelly — time for the dry cleaners! How about I take yours, too? I’ve got this great guy who gets out sweat stains and everything!” If she declines, say that you’d like to provide the cleaning as a gift (if that makes sense — is she a seminarian and worried about finances?), or just say, “Sister So-And-So, let me just keep it real with you and tell you that both of these robes really need a cleaning! I’d be really happy to do this errand for us.”

3. If Rev. Sister doesn’t get the hint, or seems defensive, or seems clueless, ask her for a minute of her time. Sit her down, look her right in the eye and say how much you admire her and how it’s never easy to give someone such personal feedback, but that her robe is unpleasant smelling and appears in need of a cleaning. Soften the blow by saying something like, “When we’re working so hard in the Spirit we don’t always notice such details, but I respect you enough to tell you.”

If at all possible, handling this in a casual and caring way with a little dose of humor is your best bet. Including yourself as one of the people who works up a sweat in the service of the Lord wouldn’t hurt, either.

Good luck and lots of love to you. If all else fails, sneak into church early and spray that pulpit gown with Febreze. Allow time for it to dry. Leave it to the congregants to say, “Mmmm, Preacher, you smell so fresh today!”

PeaceBang, going to Febreze her own robe.

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When Wearing What’s Right Makes You Cranky

I’m one of the preacher’s for tomorrow morning’s worship service that kicks off the convention of the New England Chapter of the American Guild of Organists and honored to be so, except that I’m kind of bummed out by the request to wear our Big Puffy Preaching Gowns and Academic Hoods.

I know such regalia is appropriate to the occasion; this is purely a matter of personal preference and comfort, which as PeaceBang likes to say, Is Not What We’re Here To Serve.

I’d like to wear a Sunday morning robe and stole. They travel better, they’ve far more comfortable in sticky weather, and I like the image they communicate (Pastor Preacher rather than Learned Clergy) better.

Women clergy have a whale of a job trying to find something suitable to go under that Geneva gown. Back in the day (according to Wikepedia), Harvard men were expected to wear dress whites under their gowns, which they wore after May 1st on campus (LOVE that!). I hate the sloppy look of an bare neck under the gown, which is obviously designed to accomodate menswear underneath (or a clerical collar or tabs, neither of which are traditional in my tradition). I similarly hate the look of bare wrists under the Big Puffy Sleeves That Make PeaceBang Look Like A Half-Back From the New York Giants. My arms are just silly-short and the proportions are simply awful.

Isn’t this floofy? Mine is black and of course I don’t have the hat, but put this on a 5′3″ woman with an ample bazoom and it’s just Pigeon on Parade.

As soon as I finish my homily and prayer I’ll go pick up the robe from church and try it on with various white blouses and black slacks combinations. After that it’s Shoe Choice. I need the height of a heel, and should not wear anything open-toe for such an important occasion. This severely limits my options.

Then there’s the question of a stole. Being a Unitarian Universalist, all of my stoles are creative and eclectic. None of them, save one so flimsy that it flops around too much and therefore doesn’t get worn much, is classic enough to work with the Geneva gown. Therefore, I think I shall leave off the stole and hope to high heaven that I don’t look the odd (wo)man out when I arrive in the morning.

Why am I being so neurotic about these details tonight?
Because I think the world of church musicians and I think they’re worth the angst.

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BTFM Gets A Shout-Out From Cool Artists

Hey, Torpedo Factory Arts Center of Alexandria, VA! Thanks for the shout-out! And thanks to E. for sending me the hot tip!

Yay for art!!

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Rain, Rain, Go AWAY!!

We have had the rainiest, darkest June here in Boston in a century. BLECH. I’m coughing all night from what I think is probably a mold allergy and we’re all growing fins.

Some tips for dressing professionally in chronically crumola weather:

1. Keep it simple. A clean, pressed cotton blouse and skirt for gals works well for two reasons: first, the cotton wicks away moisture. Second, who needs soggy hems dragging around your ankles all day?

A PeaceBang Digression

I’m sorry, ducks, but capris are generally not appropriate for professional wear. They look good on the young and slim (I SAID I’m sorry!), with perhaps a pair of slingbacks and a sweater swet or a similarly smart ensemble. PeaceBang knows darn well, however, that most clergy who wear capris do not wear them with a “smart” ensemble but with ugly sandals and camp or T-shirts. She knows because she has seen this at too many gatherings, and it has made her extremely cranky and depressed.

Capris are not a dignified choice for professional appearances, period.
Big floppy shorts should also be avoided. In fact, they should be more than avoided: they should be taken out and shot.

2. Constant rain does not give any of us an excuse to wear Crocs.

3. Please rotate shoes so that each pair has an appropriate amount of time to thoroughly dry. If thou dost not, thou risketh foot stinketh und itcheth.

4. A trench or structured raincoat and umbrella will keep the Rev. Mr. or Ms. dry and looking professionally appropriate for important meetings. If you want to represent a respectable institution for an important occasion, don’t make an entrance in your Eddie Bauer pull-over windbreaker with your hair all windblown and wet. Just. Don’t. For pastoral calls in people’s homes, it’s fine. For a sit-down with your local councilman or woman or a lecture to the college group, it’s not.
Need a guideline? An appropriate rain coat has a collar, buttons and often a belt. It is not made of plastic and it does not have a college or sports team logo over the left breast.

5. Have a plan for umbrellas in the church. Do ushers know where to direct people to deposit their wet brellies? Wet umbrellas do not belong in the pews where they might poke someone in the eye or soak Mrs. Dillingham’s purse.
People lose their tempers easily in long periods of bad weather (or as we call it here, “weath-ah.”). Be pastorally aware of building aggressions in yourself and within the congregation.
“Your Honor, it rained every day for fourteen days. I HAD to stab him with those scissors when he poked me with his umbrella for the third time that morning!”
“Fourteen days, you say? Acquitted!” (bangs gavel)

6. It takes longer to get around in the rain. Leave plenty of time. Pack your bag with care. Nothing says, “I’m losing it in this ENDLESS DRIZZLE” like you arriving somewhere with soaking pants cuffs, struggling through the door with your briefcase bursting with lunch and paperwork and holding a streaming, half-closed umbrella. Do yourself and everyone else the favor of leaving extra time to prepare for, and get to, appointments.

These are on sale for $12.

Rain seems romantic to some people, but how happy do you think that cat is?

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High-Heeled and Silver Sneakers

I think we went through this in the 1980’s, am I right? And it was hideous back then, too?

I marvel at Pumas. Here’s a shoe that has absolutely no support whatsoever, costs a ton of money, and markets itself as a kind of chic sneaker. For something like $80-130, shouldn’t you either have a really beautiful shoe or a sneaker with amazing, supernatural support to it? The kind that would allow you to take a Zumba class, walk sixteen miles, and stand at a kitchen counter cooking all morning with subsequent happy, pain-free feet?

Some of them are really cute, though. I mean, I get the appeal.

When I was in Greece, silver sneakers were all the rage and they were really, really cute and pretty. I mean, really silver, like this kind of silver:

… except with a much prettier style and usually set on a comfortable, low platform heel. They came in all price ranges and I’m hoping that the fashion might make it to the U.S. at some point. They would be a very comfortable option for the stylin’ minister, I think. I saw a lot of professional gals wearing them with a pair of tailored trousers, a fitted cotton jacket, a nice blouse and tasseled scarf thrown with that particular Athenian flair around the neck. Great purse, nice hair, very smart look and easy to run around the city in.

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Musicians

I will be one of the preachers for an upcoming convention for the American Guild of Organists in Boston and am wondering what to wear. Of course I’ll simply check in with my colleagues and go whatever route they’re going, but it causes me to ask: what do your church musicians (professional musicians/organists/choir directors) wear on Sundays? How about your choirs? Is their attire part of denominational tradition, local tradition, or a combination of the two?

I love the look of choir robes, but also think they would look wrong in our particular congregation. But I’ve wondered if the choir might like to wear simple stoles or something like that. I feel so strongly that they and our Music Director are central to the ministry of worship, it might be neat if there was a visual element to communicate that — and a way to coordinate my stoles with theirs at high points during the liturgical year.
I’ll have to ask them what they think… or if it would just seem too fancy and ecclesiastical for them.

How about you? How does it work?

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