Beauty Tips for Ministers

Caroline Kennedy

OOf, kids, I saw the lovely and beautifully dressed Caroline Kennedy on the Kennedy Center Awards broadcast last night and….oh, my. Nothing personal, but in all seriousness, CK is a great case study in how not to make an entrance (she walks incredibly heavily and with huge movement of her shoulders which looks incredibly uncomfortable, awkward and compensatory), how not to speak in public (Caro, MOVE YOUR MOUTH, dear!!) and how not to exude leadership.

I know Ms. Kennedy has thrown her hat in the ring for Hillary Clinton’s senate seat and I have no idea what kind of public leader she’d be, but she is sorely lacking in charisma, presence and public speaking skills. Beautiful lady but terrible, terrible speaker.

Watch and learn, my ducks. All the great genes and good connections in the world can’t help you if you’re terribly debilitated by shyness or insecurity, and Caroline K. seems to suffer from both. I fairly squirmed with discomfort watching the poor gal mumble through her portions of the show. Don’t let this be vouz.

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Punctuality, Polish and Presence

I received this letter of encouragement just this afternoon. It saith:

My dear Peacebang,
What to do, what to do? Each year come forth from the woodwork aspiring candidates for ordained ministry to the Board of Ministry for interviews.
Some still aren’t getting how important it is to be 1. on time 2. presentable 3. have presence.

Keep preaching, Sister!

I’m not exactly sure what the Board of Ministry is (I’m sure it’s akin to my faith tradition’s Ministerial Fellowship Committee), but it is obviously an important, decision-making body. Even if it isn’t, it horrifies me to think of aspirants to the ministry showing up to anything late, unpresentable and drab of being.

Let’s look at these three things in order, shall we?

Tardiness
Nothing, but nothing says, “My time is more important than yours” than tardiness. Yes, the occasional terrible traffic jam or public transportation mishap or last-minute emergency slips us all up from time to time, and Lord knows we do our best to make it to meetings and appointments and classes en punto. We don’t make it 100% of the time (if you do, give yourself a big ole gold star from PeaceBang). However, arriving late to a Board of Ministry review!?? My jaw drops in amazement, and not in a good way. What could more clearly communicate one’s ambivalence about the responsibilities of the office of pastor, contempt for protocol, and disrespect for the Board than to arrive late!? Good Heavens, kids, do whatever it takes! Leave the day before! Stay with a friend! Take a few hours of comp time! Get a babysitter and a back-up babysitter! Sleep in the parking lot if you have to!

Make excuses all you like, but barring death in the family or actual car accident, engine failure or flat tire, that really isn’t any way to overcome the immediate demerits you earn from arriving late.
If you do have a convoluted story of woe as to why you’re tardy, save it. Don’t add insult to injury by making yourself sound like a Drama Queen. Make your apologies and let the Board get to their business. Don’t waste more of their time explaining how the blender exploded and the dog slipped on the banana smoothie and you had to call a neighbor over to take the dog to the vet while you cleaned the baby, and … etc. Ministry is about showing up for others no matter what’s going on in our own lives. If that fact offends you, please reconsider your vocational aspirations.

Presentable

To arrive at this meeting looking less than your polished best is a deeply troubling nonverbal statement of cluelessness and entitlement that will put your Board on red alert. There are two main reasons an aspirant to ordained ministry would show up at such an important meeting looking sloppy or thrown together: (1) they are simply unaware of their appearance (disturbing) or (2) they fail to respect the fact that a minister is a representative of the Church and his/her specific faith tradition, and should look the part (upsetting). Get it together, gang. Try on your outfit or various outfits in advance and ask your friends (and maybe a few honest non-friends!) for their opinion. This is not the time to be defensive. If your friends gently inform you that your beard is scraggly, groom it. If your blouse is pulling or gaping open at the buttons and your bra cups showing through your shirt, don’t think that sitting up straight or hunching your shoulders will amend the problem. Get a better bra, borrow a sweater or blouse that fits, and walk in there confidently. If you want to really know what you’ll look like during the interview, get a friend to photograph you sitting down in your outfit.

Presence

Not everyone has the charisma of a T.D. Jakes or the elegant beauty and eloquence of a Barbara Brown Taylor, but ministers must have some kind of presence. I’m just telling it like it is, darlings. You may have wonderful thoughts and beautiful ideas but if you present as a stony-faced dullard, you cannot connect to human beings and therefore will not make a good minister. Of course you want to be authentic, but there’s nothing fake about making an effort to keep the conversation lively, in directing your body and voice and eye contact in a way that communicates energy and enthusiasm, and using your facial muscles now and then.

If I’ve said it once I’ve said it half a dozen times: it ultimately doesn’t matter how ardently the Holy Spirit has been whispering in your ear at night and calling you to the life of ministry. Whether you think it’s fair or not, and whether the process has served you well or not, the truth of the matter is that others must validate your call for you to assume the title of “Reverend.” For God’s sake, don’t make them meet you halfway.

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Tights

Rev. Bee asks,

What do the ladies on this site do for finding tights? I see super-expensive ones in Macys, and very immature girl ones at Target- where are the cute tights like I see in the magazines, but not at prices of 42$ a pair? There MUST be a source for tights!

I wonder if PB has recommendations on tights, and the wearing thereof? Should clergy just NOT wear patterns, or are patterns ok? I remember a sad moment a few years ago when I was wearing a black skirt and a textured tight and a secretary spent the day telling everyone I was wearing fishnets. They were NOT! (They had a small diamond pattern over plain black and the skirt was knee length!) But I tossed those as soon as I got home.

Rev. Bee, dear,
I get my tights at Lane Bryant or at Avenue for about $12 a pair. I wear them all winter long — they’re just more durable and look much better with the kind of skirts and shoes I favor than sheer hose. You can also get them online through sites like Woman Within.

I actually adore fishnets and wear them all the time, but with slacks. I bought a package of about 20 pairs of different colors when in Spain a few years ago — they’re knee-highs! — and I love to wear them with trousers and pointy-toe flats or Mary Janes. All you get is the merest glimpse of fishnet and as I always wear them with very tailored outfits, I think they’re a great touch. But I serve a distinctly liberal, very creative congregation where everyone knows me as a pretty theatrical character, and after all, it is just my ankles we’re talking about.

I think patterned or textured tights are an individual choice. It sounds like you were wearing a tailored skirt (good) with a discreet pattern (I would NEVER advise clergy to wear patterned hose with anything but a small, discreet pattern, nor would I wear a textured hose that wasn’t quite opaque). It all depends on your setting and your style. I can see, for instance, a Youth Minister wearing a simple dress with bright colored tights and boots or even a calf-length skirt, shirt and jacket and striped tights. It’s all about confidence, appropriate coverage and an understanding of how colors, cut and patterns of an outfit work together. If done right, the vibrant tights should just seem like a fun, eye-catching accessory and not garish or Irma La Douce-ish.

I’m sorry your secretary scared you away from the textured hose, although I ultimately think she did you a favor. What she did, actually, was communicate a boundary for you — by reacting as she did, she was letting you know that (a) your legs were attracting more attention than you would ever want them to and (b) in that setting, people don’t know the difference between sexy fishnets and fashionable textured hose. I would have saved the tights and worn them away from church.

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Great Fashion Statement!

How cute is this!?

The Rev. Peter Boullata is our model. And no, I don’t know where you can get one but I love it!

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Lovely Web Site Photo

I will be spending three weeks with the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of Amarillo, Texas this January and was doing some research on where other UU churches and fellowships were in proximity to Amarillo.

I found my old Div School roommate about five hours away in Midland, Texas looking just lovely on her church web site photo. Here she is:

What works about this photo?

Her posture is terrific. It says “confident leadership” all the way. We cannot underestimate the importance of a confident, friendly gaze and good posture.

She’s nicely groomed, but still very au naturel, because that’s who she is. I think I spot some lip gloss on that big, welcoming smile. Her hair looks really nice, her skin looks beautiful, her eyeglasses are clear and in vogue, and she looks with-it and approachable.

The natural setting is so much more flattering and inviting than a sterile shot against a white wall.

Her outfit is really interesting. I commend her for avoiding the cliched liberal woman pastor look of either drab shirt with collar (clerical or otherwise), 1980’s “crunchy granola” wear, or frumpy Earth Mother garb (which is like the crunchy granola only with more emphasis on “artsy and flowy.”) Her top is different, and she’s paired it with classic pearls. I read this as “individualist with strong ties to tradition.” Well-played, Rev.

If ya’ll are within a decent distance of Amarillo, Texas, get in touch and we’ll have lunch and talk image, clothing, vestments and whatever else you want!

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The Lamented Simple Cotton Cardigan

Let us pause for a moment to lament the lack of a simple, well-made, V-necked cardigan in the stores this year.

There are plenty of crewnecks, which make PeaceBang look fatter and stumpier and also itch her neck.

There is a veritable plethora of fashion-y sweaters in styles like : one big button at the bosom (which emphasizes both bosom and the revealed tummy beneath the “fly-away” bottom– yikes!), huge mutton-chop sleeves, bulky knits with angel sleeves, babydoll empire waists… but the simple, V-necked cardigan is nowhere to be found. I know. I have searched high and low, on-line and in the stores.

These are my requirements:
1. Neutral colors. I need to replace my black and my brown one, purchased at Macy’s (Charter Club label) three or four years ago, now threadbare and shrunken.
2. Cotton with a bit of spandex for shape.
3. V-neck style with classic buttons down the entire front, thankyouverymuch.
4. Is that so much to ask?

Charter Club put them out for years, under $30 and in classic colors. When I saw them out again last year I thought I should replace my old ones, but OH, I TRUSTED that I had time! I rue the day! Who knew that the very next year, C Club would put out a far inferior product : a single-button sweater in a bulkier fabric in cheap-looking colors. Feh! I can’t wear that in the summer over a sun dress!

So yes, I have a cute empire waist black sweater. I have a dark brown bolero sweater with no buttons at all that I’ve had for years and years, which works pretty well with most blouses. I have a dove gray sweater with one button and mutton-chop sleeves from two years ago when the style was new. I even picked up a flowy black smocky thing from Filene’s basement this year that makes me look like a reject from the ensemble of “La Boheme” (I should be living in a garret and wearing paint brushes in my hair in this thing). From that $15 purchase I learned my own lesson: “If you never wear it, it’s not a bargain!” I am hand washing my old Charter Club cotton cardies with special care, although I think the brown one really has to go.

Yes, Talbots Woman has a very classic 100% cotton sweater and I purchased two of them on summer clearance two years ago. Because they have no spandex to shape them, they’re floppy and not very flattering, but they’ll do in a pinch. I bought one in white and one in lime green, and I use them in the summer.

And the other day I found a gorgeous vibrant rose-patterned v-necked cardigan on WAY sale at J. Jill. I wore it on Christmas Eve and I’m sure I’ll put it into heavy rotation in my wardrobe.
But it isn’t very versatile, obviously.

But oh, I pine for a simple v-neck cardigan. Charter Club, are you listening?! We want our classic cardies back!!

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