Beauty Tips for Ministers

Can She Wear Gortex Boots To A Funeral?

No, she may not.

Pastors, please invest in a pair of clergy-appropriate all-weather boots. There will be occasions upon which you will actually be called out into rain and snow and ice to minister to people, and at those times there is no reason you should show up looking prepared to dig ditches or to lead them on a hiking expedition. Making a house call is one thing. Visiting the hospital is also one thing. Presiding over a commital of human remains is another thing entirely. When you are called up on to such sacred offices, please do NOT show up in
Gortex boots,
Boots with brown tops and white or tan rubber soles,
L.L. Bean duck boots
or colorful rain wellies.

You should own something like this,
(Le Canadienne, expensive)

Or something like this,

(Yes, I hate them too, but you don’t wear them with a skirt, for heaven’s sake)

Or for very outdoorsy types, even something like this by Columbia,

They’re really not dressy enough but at least they’re all black, you can’t see the drawstring under the pants, they won’t make you look unprepared and disrespectful, and like the other two options they are thoroughly waterproof.

I’ve had the same ugly black snowboots for eleven years. I have one ankle-length pair by Totes that I got for $9.99, and an ugly but very warm pair of knee-high black snow boots that I found for under $30 on a sale rack somewhere and can wear with skirts (not attractively, but I wear pumps at the funeral and quickly change into the snow boots before getting into the hearse for the ride to the cemetery).

Wardrobe stables, darlings!! See to them!

Taking Tips From (Female) Talking Heads

A devoted pigeon wrote in to complain about CNN anchor Candy Crowley’s necklace after last night’s debate, which led me to do some research on Crowley’s attire and therefore on other news anchors. Very interesting! In this election season, I think we can learn a lot from paying attention to the talking heads on the telebision. Just as folks in the pews see us mostly as “talking heads” from many of our pulpits (and during other public appearances), so do these gals have to express who they are from the neck up:

Candy Crowley, excellent necklace.

Alina Cho, nice elongating neckline, great hair.

Candy, good idea to vamp up your make-up to compensate for the bland color palette, but it’s too much. Those eyebrows are scary, and that camel blouse if from Yikesville on you. Get rid of it.

Carol Costello, you’re in the public eye. Yes, you’re very pretty but you need to polish this look up, girl!

Fredricka Whitfield, the pin OR the scarf would have worked — not both. Too distracting and matchy-matchy. Great color blouse, great smile.

Kiran Chetry, great use of bold lip color to add a pop to an otherwise sombre outfit.

Kyra Phillips, love the emerald green and classic line, but you could use a bit more color in the face to avoid looking tired and washed out.

Lola Oggunaike, love the hair, love the make-up, love the color of the blouse. It all works perfectly.

Candy, better color and the necklace is a nice touch. But here the make-up needs a little bit of brightening. The color is washing you out, girl, I’m sorry! Go get that lippy you were wearing in the first photo — that was great on you!

“We Need To Get You Looking More Like a Priest”

So darlings, I recently received an e-mail from a 34 year-old aspirant to the Episcopal priesthood, whose priest is very supportive but dropped, at the end of a meeting, this little bomb:
“We need to get you looking more like a priest.”

Ouch!
The aspirant (let’s call her “A” for aspirant) was surprised, and said this to me,
“I’m wondering if he’s trying to tell me to dowdy down a little.”

Good thing A. had attached photos of herself so I could see what we were working with.

And what I saw was that this gorgeous 30-something woman (and I am talking GORGEOUS) had already dowdied herself down without any urging from her priest, and in fact, needed very much to reconsider what her clothing choices were communicating. In one photo, taken at church, she was wearing a little jacket with enormous polka dots on it and big, over-sized buttons, paired with dress capris.

You know PeaceBang to be a blunt lady, so let’s just speak the words that went through my mind when I saw this image of A. at church, holding her similarly gorgeous son:
“Yikes, this is dated (very 1950’s - not the best era for women in religious leadership), cute-verging-on-clownish and communicating “FUN PTA MOM” … most definitely not priestly. ”

The second photo also featured A. with her children. Mom and kids were all dressed in bright red — a primary color that works really well on toddlers but must be used judiciously by adult women. A. was wearing a bright red shirt-jacket, a striped black-and-white T-shirt with red piping under that, and had on bright red lipstick. Again, adorable and definitely put-together, but way too matchy-matchy (matching our lipstick exactly to our garments is downright grandmotherly — please avoid it) and too easy to categorize as “Kool-Aid Mom.”

Don’t jump on me, kittens. This is what I do. This is why people write to me. I understand that when one is out with one’s little guys it’s fine and appropriate to dress as a Kool-Aid Mom. However, I could see a consistency in A’s attire choices — bright, primary colors, big prints, Cute School Volunteer image all the way. And because she wants to enter the priesthood and has a mentor who obviously cares enough about her to give her honest feedback about her need to cultivate a clergy visual image, A. needs to reconsider her preferences.

When I wrote to her with my analysis, A. was appreciative and said that yes, she did tend to gravitate toward bright, busy prints and colors. I recommended that she take a look around Anne Taylor and Banana Republic and other retail operations that cater to young professional women — not necessarily in order to buy anything, but to find a more professional, classic color palette that works for her and to see some of the cuts and styles that might work for her as she integrates more understated classics into her wardrobe. I recommended that she go get a free makeover at a department store cosmetics counter to play with more muted make-up options (she doesn’t need much make-up - holy cow, the gal is utterly beautiful with shiny hair and beautiful skin!).

I hope that A. won’t feel it necessary to stop wearing fun prints and big polka dots, but that she’ll incorporate them into her wardrobe as accents rather than the main course. For instance, she might wear a bright red fine-knit sweater under a black suit, add a pair of striped socks with classic loafers, and let her sense of whimsy be evident but not overwhelming. She could find a great pair of trousers, pair them with a beautiful white blouse and wear a big polka-dot tie as a belt. She could find a classic knee-length fitted dress in brown, black or charcoal and pop a bright pink patterned cardigan over it. She can tie her hair back with a neutral pink band and finish off the look with a pair of great chunky Mary Janes and opaque tights that match the dress. I mean, she’s far off from 40 yet. There’s no need to stop having fun with her clothes, just to reconsider what “fun” means, sartorially-speaking, for religious leaders.

She doesn’t need to “dowdy down” at all. In fact, I betchya a million bucks that when A. starts experimenting with new looks, she’s going to fall in love with what she finds. And when she hits that perfect combination of fun and classic that expresses her sense of self as woman, Mom, and priest, she’s going to be a powerful presence.

Lord, hear our prayers!

Just A Little Bit of Fan Mail From the Casual Pastor

I like to share the success stories now and then.

I finally got back to just say this…

Thank you! THANK YOU!!!
I can do this. Especially the sweater and pants idea. You understood and gave me some great ideas.

NOW - where did I put those Macy’s gift cards??? I got me some shopping to do!

MANY MANY thanks!!!
HUGS AND KISSES!!!
Deb

YAY, Deb! So happy to help!

Winter Coats

I have two choices. I can either take my 7-year old black wool coat back to the tailor AGAIN to have it taken in, or I can buy myself a new winter coat.

I’m so tired of the black wool look. I do have a ridiculous faux-fur trimmed brown tie-belt coat that I got on the 75% off rack at TJ Maxx, but it’s also huge on me and probably needs to be retired. I also have an ancient, ugly khaki trench that depresses me every time I wear it (SO BLAH, SO OLD), and what I really want is a beautiful brown or charcoal coat that will keep me warm and be appropriate for funerals and professional engagements, and that can be spiffed up for my personal use with fun hats and scarves.

And yet I dream of something like this:

Unrealistic, of course. I have a warm, walking-the-dog down coat, and what I really need to do is invest in a new black wool and neutral trench. Why, oh why are decent plus-sized coats so damnably hard to find?

Oversized Vs. Just Too Big

What did this model do to deserve being drowned in all this fabric by the stylists of the Nordstrom’s catalog?

Poor gal, trying to stand all sideways trying to get a shape going under all that hideola purple ruffle:

The bright blue piping helps create the illusion of shape here, but the dang thing is still just too big!

Look how happy she is now! Someone finally brought her a top in the right size! (I’m pretty sure this is the same model, with better hair and make-up):

Here again, she’s wearing a boxy, oversized jacket but she’s not drowning in it — she’s got on a form-fitting totally cool tank underneath:

Same thing here. Boxy, geometric shape over body-conscious basics = chic. Just too big = frumpy.