Comments on: The Minister’s Significant Other

By: Scott Gerard Prinster

Scott Gerard Prinster — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 06:05:52 +0000

Wow, this sure touches a nerve. Reminds me about expectations that we seem to have about the First Lady (and someday the First Dude, no doubt). It seems to me that, just as the spouse of a presidential candidate gets a painful (and perhaps unfair) level of scrutiny in the campaign, our congregations do in fact consider the spouse/partner when they’re looking at candidates. We may not think that it’s fair, but I think that PB’s point is that we’d be unwise to pretend that it doesn’t exist.

By: Parslife

Parslife — Mon, 12 May 2008 03:39:02 +0000

Hi PB,

Well, after 23 years in the parsonage I can assure you that my clear boundaries have not led to frequent job changes! It will be interesting to see if your thinking on this changes should you or SB ever be the target of this sort of behavior!

By: h sofia

h sofia — Fri, 09 May 2008 17:20:27 +0000

This all sounds pretty old school to me. I guess it would depend on the culture of the church, and if one belonged to a church where women only wore skirts, then I guess that's what all the women should wear. But I wouldn't belong to a church like that (I hope). [HS, the inquiries that I got spoke of minister's S.O.s who wear sweatpants to church, that sort of thing. This isn't about skirts and stuff. It's about such serious sloppiness and under-dressing as to cause distress and distraction. Sometimes people's attire just screams, "SOMETHING'S WRONG HERE!" -- no matter how much some readers of this blog protest that it's all about personal freedom. It's not. To be that clueless about appropriate attire is to make a very negative, passive-aggressive statement about the worth of the church and the role of the pastor in it. There's a lot of power in standing next to the minister in a tattered lumberjack shirt at a church event. It says, "You people and my spouse think this is important. Well, my attire is basically a big F-U to all of that. I'm showing you that I could care LESS." I find it fascinating that folks don't want to acknowledge that what we wear on our bodies indicates anything more than the ever-worshiped idol of Personal Preference. - PB]

By: Parslife

Parslife — Fri, 09 May 2008 04:50:12 +0000

Peacebang, my dear, this is where you and I part ways BIG time. As the clergy spouse, I can assure you that I would be not only offended but HOPPING MAD at anyone in the congregation, whether on some committee or whatever, who had the brass to try to tell me what to wear.

This is strictly between the minister and his/her partner. The church has NO business sticking their nose in. Think he looks like a slob? Too bad. Doesn’t represent what you think your congregation stands for? Tough luck.

You didn’t hire the minister’s spouse, and until you start paying his/her salary, church members have no call to have a single voiced opinion on any topic relating to that spouse’s personal life.

If there is a problem that is impacting the congregation in a real way or is interfering with the minister’s work, talk to the minister. Otherwise, butt out.

And I mean that in the nicest possible way. [I wish I could think of this response as anything but incredibly naive, but I can't. All I can say is that minister's partners who think this way had better be prepared to support their mate through frequent job searches. - PB]

By: Maggie

Maggie — Mon, 05 May 2008 22:26:08 +0000

PB, while I’m not you’re mother, I’m A mother, and these questions are just part of the job description. But whatever Sweetiebang does, you’re lucky to have found someone who’s mobile and flexible.

By: Michael

Michael — Sun, 04 May 2008 21:48:24 +0000

I thank you for your suggestion of a direct, honest and loving approach.

This goes for others in the congregation as well whose appearance reflects on the whole congregation by virtue of their role in it.

For example, one’s committee chairs need not worship in bicycle shorts (though it is perfectly fine if they bike to church and change in the mens’ room before the service). If someone (hypothetically, I’m sure) were to do this, the appropriate thing to do would be to tell them how one felt.

By: T

Sat, 03 May 2008 22:36:08 +0000

Oh, dear. I have to respond so that I can continue to read this blog without feeling the hot embarrassment in my face that I feel right now. Trust me, please, that I KNOW that I represent the church in a very tricky, unspoken but real way and I definitely know that people feel that my appearance belongs to them on some level–that’s why I LOVE this blog!! It helps me every single day. And I have loved being a ministry spouse for 23 years–I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

My ONLY disagreement is the idea that the personnel committee [T, I didn't recommend the Personnel Committee, which makes the issue one of employment. I recommended the Ministerial Relations Committee, which deals with issues of relationship. These names differ from denomination to denomination and I apologize if that wasn't clear. - PB] would take it upon themselves to bring this to me–they would have safety in numbers and I would be humiliated alone. If my spouse talks to me about my appearance and I disregard or ignore him, we have bigger problems than my wardrobe. And if there is not one single person in the whole congregation who can come and talk to me privately in a loving and well-differentiated way [I agree that this would be far ideal to a committee feeling that it was appropriate to bring it up at a meeting. - PB], then again, we have much bigger problems than how I look or smell. (Thank God I’ve never been in a congregation where that was the case.)

Maybe the minister’s spouse’s appearance–in those cases–is more of a symptom of a larger problem???

By: Maggie

Maggie — Sat, 03 May 2008 21:23:02 +0000

Inquiring minds want to know: What is Sweetiebang’s occupation that he could move north immediately upon falling for Peacebang? [What are you, my mutha? - PB]

By: T

Fri, 02 May 2008 19:40:15 +0000

I'm an ordained minister married to a pastor and I have to say, I can't even imagine our church's equivalent of a Ministerial Relations Committee coming to me to talk to me about my clothing choices. I love this blog and read it daily but I've got to disagree with this one. In what way is it any of their business how I dress? [It's very much their business: your represent their church and are its public face. -PB] understand that they might have opinions about it and if--as my friend or fellow congregant--they want to share their opinions with me, I'd want to hear them. But to sic the committee on me? Or to send the committee to talk to my husband about how I dress or how I smell? Really? If I carry an expensive handbag, are they going to talk to me about how I'm frivolously spending the money the church pays my husband? [I should hope not, but they may have opinions about that, too, and it's in your best interest to be aware of that -- not naive and not angry, as you obviously are. Don't shoot the messenger here. I'm responding to the world as it is, not the world as we wish it would be. - PB] As you said, being a minister's partner IS almost as complicated as being a minister and this just makes my life even MORE complicated! [Honey, when God called us to ministry we were made no promises that this wouldn't be difficult, complicated and demand all of our patience, forbearance and Christian love. As a pastor yourself AND a pastor's spouse, I tip my hat to you -- you're definitely navigating many important roles at once. It must be hard.- PB]

By: Shalom

Shalom — Fri, 02 May 2008 19:16:14 +0000

If the minister wants to talk to his/her own spouse about wardrobe changes, fine. More power to you.

But I have to say that I’m bothered by the idea that anyone would find it their business to bring up the wardrobe choices of someone else’s spouse. I suppose if it were really, really out-of-line…but even then, how someone else’s spouse/SO dresses is just not your business. Even the suggestions PeaceBang gives here feel very passive-aggressive to me (though I’m sure that was not the intention). It reeks of the worst sort of nosy old lady who can’t stop whispering about how the pastor’s wife wears PANTS to CHURCH.

I get that there are spouses whose wardrobes could use a boost. I know a few. But I think we all ought to keep to our own closets and stay out of everyone else’s. [Yes, I'd like to live in such a world, too. But we don't. By the letters I've been receiving, the pastor's spouse has been dressing inappropriately enough to generate negative attention, and that's just reality world. - PB]