Beauty Tips for Ministers

Kiehl’s Discontinues Best Damn Eye Gel

Powder Pigeons,

It is a sad day for PeaceBang and her crow’s feet. Kiehl’s has discontinued their wonderful Ultra Moisturizing Eye Gel with SPF 15. After doing an on-line search I have found and ordered my last tube at MakeMeHeal.com (a strange little site devoted to providing services and products to folks who’ve had cosmetic surgery) and will be on the look-out for something as good to replace this beloved gel. Eye gel is something you just can’t stockpile, since the active ingredients won’t last beyond a year or so.

It is VERY hard to find an eye gel that firms, moisturizes and protects from the sun. I loved this product because it left a bit of shine behind that brightened my face and gave me a bit of a youthful glow.

And there was wailing and gnashing of teeth heard throughout all of Norwell.

She Clutched

Let’s get real! I know that clutch bags are all the rage right now, and I even own a few (some purchased thousands of years ago), but they’re impractical! They’re often too tiny to fit much more than a lip gloss and a credit card. They are often very pretty but make Woman of Size look even bigger — who needs a Lilliputian handbag against one’s abundant waist to highlight her girthiness? No one, darlings, trust me on this.

The thing is, a clutch bag is really the very best option for formal events. It is the only option when one doesn’t want to stand around in a social or professional networking setting with a purse slung over one’s shoulder messing with the line and fit of one’s clothing (the blazer that looks good with a purse strap hanging off it has yet to be invented).

Yes, one can always leave her briefcase on her seat and work the room, shaking hands unobstructed by any bag at all. But not every event is a sit-down event and sometimes leaving one’s purse behind is neither practical nor possible. Yes, you could go without a bag but PeaceBang cannot. PeaceBang HAS TO HAVE HER BAG.

So at long last, I have found a clutch for me. It is big, it folds over to make a beautiful, elegant bag that tucks under one’s arm, but it also holds with handles for a less formal look. It is appropriate to PeaceBang’s bodacious scale. It was 50% off at Macy’s. I bought it in white.

When it folds over it looks like this:

In it, I can fit my wallet, my cosmetics case, a cell phone, my keys, and a tiny camera. I will be carrying it with me to a reunion of my high school madrigal ensemble in Connecticut this weekend. I imagine I will get a lot of use out of it. I will clean it with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser (yes! there’s a tip you can bank on!) and keep it stored in tissue paper in the closet to keep it unscuffed. I think it will work all year ’round, which you can’t say for every white bag. This one is shiny PVC and I am pretty sure will look lovely with a black suit and white blouse in the winter. It also comes in a bright pink, orange, screaming yellow and black.

She Found Her Bag

Rev. Bee, who, by her own admission, has had a slightly scary obsession with finding the right bag for awhile, wants you all to know that she has reached the Promised Land of Bags here with the good people of the Raine Brooke Company.

She bought a Nunzia Michele and blogged about it here at The Vagabond Priest.

Mazel tov, darling! Carry it in good health. We totally understand.

A Festival of Inappropriate Sharing At the Festival of Homiletics

OOOPS!

Some ardent worshiper at the Festival of Homiletics leaned forward to get a better look and shared her very pretty lace panties with the rest of us!

Girls and boys, you know better. But I saw entirely too much of this in Minneapolis. This example was the most lovely I could find. At least HER panties are really pretty!

Because many pants are now low-waisted, you have GOT to consider your undergarments and the rest of your outfit before you leave the hotel. Ask yourself these questions:

1. If I should lean forward and accidentally reveal my unders today, would they at least match my pants? Are they nice, and not ratty, in case of the unthinkable?
2. Am I wearing a shirt or sweater that FITS well enough to pull down over my low-waisted trousers or skirt?
3. Am I, at any time, treating my colleagues or parishioners to the sight of three or four inches of my lower back flesh in the form of chub pouring out of my too-snug sweater when I lean forward?
If so, please stop it. And if you think this isn’t you, think again. PeaceBang must have caught half a dozen conferees in this compromising position. If you’re unaware of it at a conference, you’re probably unaware of it at home.

P.S. If this is ever me and you are behind me, do not HESITATE to gently pull my sweater or shirt or jacket over my revealed flesh. I will be EVER so grateful to you if you do!

Bad Red Hair

My dearly beloved,
Lord knows that PeaceBang loves her some violently red hair. I have never been one to promote the idea that our hair color need reflect anything found in Nature; after all, what is L’Oreal for if not to transcend the limitations of genetics?

As you can see here, I have had fiery red hair myself at times:

Whether you think that particular hue is flattering on me or not is not the point right now (although I’m happy to receive your criticism — it’s all in the past, and if you love it, maybe I’ll go back to it!). The point is that PeaceBang has been seeing some REALLY SCARY red hair out there on clergy lately, and she feels obligated to say something about it.

1. Although there is a wide variety of what constitutes “red hair,” your hair color should not approach faded pink or magenta. This tends to be an unfortunate trend on older heads, where I’m seeing a really unflattering combination of thin, fried out hair the color of canned peaches or dried out beets on too many pastors at a recent conference. If this is you, please see your colorist or get a friend to help you. And remember that deep conditioner is your friend.

2. Red hair requires careful application if it’s a home job. Again: get someone to help you! I saw at least four women at the Festival of Homiletics with aubergine-cast auburn hair with big black undergrowth patches at the back of their heads. I am pretty sure this wasn’t an intentional goth design but a testament to how difficult it is to get that color applied evenly. Make a party of it! Invite a pal over, have sangria, and color each other’s hair! Just take it easy on the sangria or you may, as PeaceBang once did, wind up with hair the shade of Ronald McDonald. Also: that purple-shaded red is really hard to carry off; especially for white women. Proceed with serious caution.

3. Henna is not better for your hair than chemical colorants, sweetpeas. In fact, it coats the hair shaft something terrible and can be very damaging. It’s also hell’s own work to correct if you screw up. Not to mention that it stinks so badly that you’ll want to avoid the entire human community for the first few days after coloring, and you don’t want to have to do that, do you?

The Context of Image

Remember how we’re always talking about geographic and cultural context of our ministry and how that influences what we choose to wear?

Perfect example in these two pastor gents.

Exhibit A, Paul S. from Vermont:

Right? Rural, lumberjack-y, approachable, warm, plaid. I’d like to see him trim the beard up a bit but I’m mostly just saying that because he already wants to kill me for taking this photo, so “HEEEEEEEY, PAUL! Smile, you’re on BTFM!!!” That’s not a smile he’s got on his face, it’s a homicidal grimace. I thought you’d want to know that, in case you were worried.

Exhibit B, Daniel K. from Dallas:

Now, is this one cool cat or what? From head to toe, this man is cosmopolitan, sophisticated, hip, and very polished. His hair is awesome. His glasses rock. His shoes are fantastic. The whole thing is really great looking. If he was in Vermont, people might look at him funny, like, “Just what are you trying for there, there, city slicker?” But for a large congregation in Dallas he’s got leadership presence and a sense of himself that’s unmistakably right for that setting.

Just in case you wanted to dig those specs up close, here they are again:

I don’t know how I managed to make such a good looking guy look so goofy, but that’s my photographic skills, not Daniel’s handsomeness factor. Trust. Sorry, DK.