Beauty Tips for Ministers

Yes, People Notice Thy Socks

An interesting article on professional image and dressing from the Wall Street Journal.

Thanks to Miz Claire for the link.

What To Wear To the Wedding

Darlings, this in from a dear young newbie, who asks –

I’m officiating my very first wedding this September - and I don’t know what I should wear for it!
I’m just 22, completed school last year and began pastoring last summer, and have never even BEEN to a wedding with a female officiant!
It is a very casual, backyard wedding in Ontario, Canada (the bride is going barefoot and the dress code is casual) and I’m certainly willing to buy something for the event, since I have a very limited wardrobe thus far. (My two suits are a black pantsuit that has seen better days and a heavier grey wool skirt-suit).
I’m about 5′10, average-to-thin build, warm colouring, and usually wear “autumn” colours (greens, browns, etc) but they’re not the most joyous tones! My blog has a picture of me, but with old makeup/haircut…. (I will update that before too long!)
I’ve emailed before about what to wear as a pastor to youth and young adults, and I’ve found “my” solution is usually dark brown or black dress pants, a v-neck fitted sweater, stud earrings and a large, bold necklace.. or for more casual, a t-shirt and black jacket with dark jeans. I still struggle to find the right shoes that I can walk distances in and still look great, but its getting easier!
I also got a great graduated bob haircut a little while ago, and while I’ve always worn eye makeup I do feel much more finished with lipstick, so I’m trying to continue looking more polished in the makeup department.
Thanks for your help - your blog is hilarious, and I genuinely feel more put-together and professional since I’ve used it and been able to show others more of a late-twenties than an early-twenties self
Thank you as well for legitimizing the concern to project that professional image - we don’t always get that here!

And thank you for writing in and for your kind words, Miss “Just 22!” (Don’t think we missed that “just,” said PeaceBang, clutching her twenty-years older chest). So glad we could be of help here at BTFM.

Now, for your wedding. Since it will be so informal, there’s no need to wear formal vestments unless the couple really wants you to. I own a white linen/poly blend duster for such occasions, which I don with a stole over a dressy skirt and blouse ensemble for summer weddings. It has saved me gallons of sweat and made many a horribly humid outdoor wedding bearable and even comfortable. I should think that if one sews, such a garment would be incredibly easy to make. Mine has one clasp enclosure over the bosom and falls beautifully to my ankles. It looks very liturgical.

Barring ownership of such a garment, you might consider a cream or white linen/poly blazer (immaculately dry cleaned or ironed, of course — the polyester blend will keep it from becoming a wrinkled mess). Wear it with a camisole top and knee-length or ankle-length skirt of some shade that won’t compete with the bride’s ensemble (avoid patterns if possible). Some would find a stole objectionable over street clothes; I do not. Find a nice pair of wedge sandals (pedicure! pedicure!) or a pair of neutral-colored pumps and feel free to go bare-legged but only if you shave and moisturize. Some of the au naturel types may complain, but a shaggy-legged officiant will only distract from the proceedings. But do learn from PeaceBang’s mistakes and do NOT spray-tan your legs the morning of the wedding. Do it the day before if you like (and PeaceBang relies on fake tan spray to help her legs glow all summer long as she flatly REFUSES to wear hose to anything but black tie events), but not the day of, unless you want brown rivulets to streak down your legs and into your shoes.

Things to avoid: sun dresses, baby doll tops, patterned dresses, slacks, overly-casual shoes (just because the bride is going barefoot doesn’t mean you can get away with flip-flops).

Other things to avoid:
>not thoroughly checking out the noise level outdoors and advocating for a sound system if possible (if not, plan to SERIOUSLY project, and instruct all readers beforehand to do so as well — and make them practice for you if you have any doubts);
> wearing heels that puncture the lawn and cause you to sink into the grass with every step;
>not drinking enough water and dehydrating, or worse, drinking booze before the wedding (we may or may not be a friend of the couple’s, but until we’ve pronounced the couple wedded for life, we are at work;
> dancing at the reception in such a manner as would cause the guests to say disapprovingly, “I remember when the clergy had some dignity; I suppose they’re ordaining anyone these days.”

Good luck, Meredith! Send a photo! And put those autumnal colors away ’til next autumn!

Work-Out Attire: How To Pack A Gym Bag

Darlings, Rev. Gidget asked me a question oodles of weeks ago and I’m only just now getting to it. She wants to know what to wear to the gym, and how to pack a gym bag. Of course we all KNOW that Gidge knows perfectly well what to wear to the gym and how to pack her little tote, but she’s asking AS A MINISTER. So let me respond AS PEACEBANG, STAGE MOTHER TO THE CLERGY.

1. If you’re like PeaceBang, you regularly see parishioners at the gym. In other words, you’re not necessarily an anonymous sweating person when you work out. PeaceBang doesn’t care how much her folks see her sweat, but she does care that she looks fairly decent as she does, which means that she wears boot-cut black yoga pants (L.L. Bean and Land’s End make good versions, as does Avenue for plus sizes), a good sports bra, and a clean T-shirt of some kind to the gym. I like to wear my hair in pigtails and add a bright head-scarf for perspiration control, so most of my T-shirts are solid colors.

Avoid: seriously skimpy attire, ratty old stuff, or anything dirty or totally threadbare. Your work out clothes should fit you; don’t leave the house in your college-aged son’s giant basketball jersey even if it makes you feel closer to him to do so. Save it for sleeping in. No make-up necessary unless you choose to do some mascara or something because you just wouldn’t leave the house without it. I always wear lipstick and nothing else but moisturizer on my face.

Remember: You’re there to exercise. Don’t use your innocent parishioners as an excuse to get drawn into conversation, slow the treadmill and distract yourself. Say hello, exchange a few pleasantries and excuse yourself to return to full cardio mode. If you get caught in an immodest stretch on the floor, don’t worry about it. Smile, wave, and carry on. You get to have a body, too, and if it’s flexible and stretchy, that only means good things.

Personal note: If you load your i-Pod with distinctly unreligious songs to get your mojo going in the gym (I make playlists labelled “Workout 1, Workout 2,” etc. and pack them with 45 minutes of slammin’ tunes), try not to sing too loudly. PeaceBang had two trainers in hysterics the other day while she was lifting weights and singing “U + Ur Hand” along with Pink, thinking she was beyond earshot of anyone in the place and blithely belting out lyrics like,
I’m not here for your entertainment
You don’t really wanna mess with me tonight,
just stop and take a second
I was fine until you walked into my life.
‘Cause you know when it’s over
before it began.
Keep your drink just give me the money,
it’s just you and your hand tonight!”

One really needs to be careful about this sort of thing. I also have Sir Mix-A-Lot in my line-up and other dirty ditties. They’re naughty fun and they get me walking faster, pumping harder and smiling through my work-out, so I apologize for nothing. A healthy heart means a healthier pastor. I do whatever it takes to make that gym a place to look forward to.

In PeaceBang’s gym bag:
Fresh undies, work-out clothes and sneakers, towel and robe, flip-flops, and a make-up bag containing contact lens solution, deody-o, hairbrush and smoothing serum, a few barrettes, mascara, an old MAC eye pencil in Teddy (brown with gold shimmer, very smudgeable), an inexpensive tube of Maybelline foundation for flushed cheeks, pigmented lip gloss.

Headbands For Gals

Since I’ve grown my hair, I enjoy wearing a wide variety of hair accessories. On most days I pull back my bangs with a clip or barrette because it’s easy, but I’ve worn silly little Princess Leia buns, headbands, scarves (cue Cher singing “Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves”) and big clips. I do not wear, and shall never wear, scrunchies (AUGH! So 80’s!), cutesy barrettes (although I vacillate on what constitutes too cutesy for my age and station), or big plastic banana clips.

Headbands seem to be back in a big way this season, but they’re not the old Hillary Clinton types that make us look either too Alice In Wonderlandy or plain dowdy (remember Bunny in “Sex and the City?” Like that: scary preppy dowager).

For your consideration, some head-bandish options:

Ethnic, cool, I’d ditch the triangle over the eye but otherwise this is beautiful and interesting. Would look great with a tailored jacket and slacks. Don’t try it if you can’t carry it off.

You may snicker if you like, but PeaceBang wears headscarves like this all summer, only without the dramatic “drop.” She of Eastern European heritage on both sides and it comes naturally to her. I like this look with high wedge sandals, a pair of linen trousers, and simple white blouse with a turquoise or other chunky necklace. The lines of your clothes need to be simple with this headwrap, or you risk looking like Mama Babushka.

Eeek! Bunny! Muffy! Skip and Tad are totally wasted on g&t’s! Don’t let them drive the boat back!

These should not be adorning the head of any self-respecting professional woman. They are the hair accessory equivalent of a reindeer sweater:

On the other hand, headbands come in a variety of fabrics and can be quite elegant if one chooses wisely from among them. Wider bands are very flattering, and avoid that “Hi, I’m Babs and I’d love your vote for Student Council President!” vibe.

Regardez :

A nice satin.

Kind of retro! Kinda groovy! Also satiny.

A dupioni silk that allows a mature woman the whimsy of polka dots but with far more polish and appropriateness than the previous dotty option. Note that the dots are irregular and almost animal print-ish. Fun. Would look great with a sweater set, mid-length pencil skirt and sling back pumps.

Not my favorite print (I kind of hate it, actually) but I wanted to show you something in charmeuse silk. Again, far more adult than the stiff little-girl bands.

I absolutely LOVE this look, the double-wrap headband, although it requires some work in teasing the crown of the hair that I have yet to master:

And for you very short-haired gals out there, remember that a headband can look sophisticated IF you’ve got a sharp hair cut and you wear some sophisticated make-up. A headband slapped on a nothing-special haircut and haphazard outfit is a common enough sight, but look how chic the right one can be!
Just run a little bit of product through your locks (a molding paste and a few drops a shine serum), put the headband on, apply some peachy gloss and blush, some mascara and a carefully smudged gray liner or shadow around your eyes. Really nice! A slim, flat satin band in a spring color (try orange! or aqua!) would also look lovely here.

Food For Thought: Forgiving Our Own Trespasses

Sweetlings,

Let me depart from the world of crazy celebrity/royal fashion and eye cream recommendations for a moment to talk about self-care a bit.

I was talking with a newbie minister the other day who was being very hard on herself for “breaking the covenant” she had made with God to be healthy and especially to refrain from compulsive overeating.

As you know, PeaceBang knows PUH-LENTY about compulsive overeating, and about the struggles to keep from comforting oneself with an overly-full tummy.

This new pastor had had some particularly tough losses in the past months and was experiencing for the first time ministering when you’re feeling fragile and pulled in seventeen different directions, trying to meet too many people’s needs. She ate over it. Lots of sugar. And not only did she physically feel lousy, she felt like a sinner. We mulled over her decision to use the word “sin” to describe her overeating. Yes, technically it is a sin to do harm, even to oneself. But is that language helpful or harmful in this situation? She had chosen it intentionally because she wanted to think about her binge theologically. Which is a good place to start. What we do with our bodies is most certainly about our relationship to God and our understanding and experience of God’s presence or absence in our lives. We are all broken; we are all sinners. When we use the word “sin” to express the sense of our own brokenness, does that seem like condemnation or does it invite compassion and reconciliation?

I asked her, “If you had a friend who was hurting herself in some way because she was under so much stress, would you consider her a sinner?” As it turns out, no. She would have compassion for that hypothetical friend. She would try to support her.

The point here is pretty obvious but let me make it anyway: although it’s true that some clergy persons are sick little bundles of denial, engaging in secret, dysfunctional and destructive behaviors that will harm themselves and their congregations, my experience informs me that most of us are painfully aware of our failures, shortcomings and addictive tendencies and are, in fact, quite unforgiving about them. We are spiritual and professional perfectionists, many of us, trying not only to do the right things but to think the right thoughts and to have the right feelings. This is the aim of our spiritual disciplines — “God, make pure my heart within me” — “May my the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable in Thy sight, O Lord my rock and my redeemer,” etc. Good God, kids, do you think the average investment banker, schoolteacher, hairdresser, waitress,retail clerk or engineer puts themselves through that kind of rigorous self-policing throughout the day? Hells no!

Pigeons, forgive yourselves. Put down the chocolate bar, the pizza, the pastries or whatever it is that plagues and poisons you, wipe off your mouth with a nice napkin, and move on. You can always flagellate yourself later, after you’ve had a nice long walk, a bath and a cup of peppermint tea. Why kick yourself when you’re down (or on a bad “up” from too much sugar, fat and carbs)? What good does that do you, and how does that honor your covenant with God?

I myself, after finally having hit the 20+ lbs. lost mark last Saturday, am having a bad week with food. And why wouldn’t I? The weather is dreary, I’ve been seriously crampy and headachy for days, my lower back hurts (I’m carrying tons of tension there but yoga poses are helping a lot), people I dearly love are terminally ill, in hospital with various other painful ailments and suffering other kinds of losses (and isn’t that always the case in parish ministry?). I’m post-Easter weary, I’m dreading my May sabbatical time (funny, in’t that?), I’m tired of being disciplined around food and I just want to eat huge bowls of Kashi cereal with dark chocolate chips in them. And so what. My job as I see it right now is to hang on to my little boat while the waves swell and crest, to weep freely as I need to, and to monitor my eating not for Weight Watchers compliance right now but just to assure that my eating doesn’t go from Tired Girl Indulging territory into Good Lord, All Hell Has Broken Loose and Now She’s Into Serious Buffalo Wing Abuse territory.

No, I won’t get to the gym today, either. I’ll get there tomorrow and both God and I will forgive me for it. If I gain a pound, that’s a trespass that can be forgiven, too.

Being beautiful, vibrant and polished as a public religious leader does not mean achieving perfection. It means being alive in God’s presence and unafraid to communicate that presence to a broken world. If today all you can manage is to lay your burden down and rest in God’s care, do it. You’ll know you need to when you find yourself too exhausted to apply mascara or to properly comb your hair. Be careful out there, my lovely ones. Attend to yourself as you would a visiting dignitary, with all due respect and hospitality. For if you do not, your psyche and your body will go out together for coffee without you and devise mischievous schemes to get your attention.

Put down the donuts, back away from the ciggies, get back to a 12-step meeting for over-spending, overeating, alcoholism, sex or drug addiction, stop being a superhero. Toss the M&M’s in the trash, smash the Doritos and run water over them, douse the ice cream with kosher salt. Unplug the phone, cancel a meeting, ask for help. Delegate, see your therapist, let God run the world for a day without you.

God has made a good gift in you. Love yourselves, forgive the sins, and move on. Better yet, move to the bed and take a nap.

I’d Ask What In Fresh Hell This Is, But I Think It’s Just… Fresh Hell

Princess Caroline of Monaco. Daughter, I believe, of Grace Kelly. The mind reels. What can we learn from this? First: tailored and elegant is always a much better bet than crazy and flouncy. Save the crazy and flouncy for senior prom. Second, this is also an issue of scale: if the body is swathed all in one dark color, and then one carries a tiny, bright bag, one looks absolutely enormous by comparison, as if one is carrying a Barbie accessory.

P.S. I swear I saw that exact bag at Filene’s Basement a few weeks ago.