Beauty Tips for Ministers
Because you're in the public eye, and God knows you need to look good.
Helping A Friend & Transitions Out of Seminary To Ministry
February 27, 2008 on 9:39 am | In Beauty Tips' Greatest Hits, Clergy Image, Seminarian Advice, Theological Reflection On Your Fabulousness |Mon petite daffodils,
Transitions are hard. It is hard to transition from being a stay-at-home mama to being, for instance, a working woman in the corporate world. It is hard to transition from being a working person to a retired person. It is challenging to transition from being a movie star to being a rehab resident. It is hard to transition from being a seminarian to an ordained clergyperson.
What happens when one of your friends doesn’t seem to be making the transition well? You must pull him or her aside and say this:
“Honey Lamb, I love ya like a house afire, but your look is still too Hanes-oriented to make the professional scene. You’re undermining your own authority by wearing shapless sweatclothes, and it still doesn’t work if they’re skirts or pants or shirts with buttons; they’re not appropriate. Please let me go shopping with you and we’ll make a super fun day of it and try on tons of stuff — even stuff you don’t think will look good on you — we’re going to explore, not necessarily to purchase — and we’re going to find the more beautiful, polished YOU I know is in there. And you’re going to agree to this or I am going to send Marvin the Torch to your closet and there will be a Very Tragic Accident there.”
The point is, you must be blunt. You gotta be brave, ya gotta be bold, ya gotta be stronger. That’s not just a great karaoke song by Des’ree, it’s also a truth about friendship relationships. Friends do not let friends leave the house with muffin tops and rear-end cleavage. They call their sisters on dresses that have become a Festival of Inappropriate Sharing and offer to loan a camisole if necessary. Dudes pull their dude pals aside and say, “Let me loan you my electric razor, pal. Better yet, I’ll come over ten minutes earlier tonight and shave those gorilla hairs off the back of your neck for you, which, by the way, wouldn’t hurt to scrub now and then.” This is a given. But God also helps those who help themselves, and those of us who know that we’re going to be making an important life transition will do ourselves a world of good if we prepare earlier, rather than later, for that transition. For ministers-to-be, this means:
1. Get out of your sweats and jeans once in awhile. Own at least a couple pairs of pants that could serve in a professional setting, and know what size and cuts flatter you and FIT. Why wait until pre-candidating week, when you’ll already have enough on your mind? What’s your dress size? Hate dresses? What’s your skirt size? Fellas, do you own at least once decent tie? Get on it. Sports coat, a few decent shirts? Borrow if you have to. Develop a spectrum of looks and make some conscious choices about where and when they work for you. When in doubt, overdress a bit.
2. Assemble your grooming and/or cosmetics products as soon as you can, and start a routine of using them. Sure, you can go to class with witchy dry hair or scraggly facial hair, crust in your eyes and pallid, puffy skin that identifies you as someone who hasn’t seen the light of day since you started Intermediate Greek, but don’t get used to yourself that way. Step it up when you can. Don’t start bad grooming habits in seminary and expect it to be easy to break them once you’re a working pastor. This leads to the type of whining that causes PeaceBang to want to spank you: “I don’t have tiiiiiime to style my hair! I don’t have tiiiiiime to wear blush or lipstick!” Well then, poochikins, you don’t have tiiime to project an image of leadership, pride in your calling and dignity of the pastoral office, either, and PeaceBang doesn’t have tiiiime for that attitude!
3. As early as possible, start an organizational system for your liturgical and programmatic work. The first time someone asks you to preach, start a file for that service under theme or date or however you choose to do it. File away prayers, file chalice lightings, invocations, funeral/memorial readings, baby blessings, orders of service …. develop a system and start using it devotedly at the earliest possible moment. This isn’t about your external beauty but your interior calm when you start leading and crafting worship yourself, and (pssst), if you have an organized study (PeaceBang’s books are arranged, for instance, by subject all over her parsonage), you’ll have the tiiiiime you need before a wedding or Sunday morning service to iron your shirt and shine your shoes, fill in your eyebrows and apply some lip gloss, do ten minutes of deep belly breathing, and show up poised, peaceful and prepared.
As the world gets more chaotic and uncertain, my doves, we must be ever-more-conscious, centered and grounded representatives of HaShem, the divine Presence. If we come shooting through the door in drab jeans, hair sprouting from our ears, white gym socks where there should be black dress socks, faces and bodies that tell a tale of self-neglect, we contribute to the sense that God is not in His/Her heaven and all is not right with the world.
Tell a different tale. Tell it with your very being. Start today. Go be beautiful.
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It was very hard for me to make that wardrobe transition from student to minister, especially because in between school and ordained life I was in an internship earning about $10000/year! For the internship, I had to buy a car and buy my own health insurance. Both of those monthly expenses added up to nearly my whole stipend, so clothes were hard to budget for, let alone rent and food! I did manage to have a decent professional wardrobe at the time. I was a frequent visitor to consignment and second-hand stores and found some good designer numbers at low prices. The clearance rack at Filene’s Basement was also my friend. However, by the time my internship finished, I had pretty much worn out all my best professional clothes. After ordination I had to start over. (And I had to start paying off significant credit card debt I’d accumulated in buying clothes, eating food, etc.) All of this is to say that it is a real challenge to have the money that it takes to look good when you’re living on student loans and internship stipends!
[Sarah my dove, I will be paying back M.Div loans until I’m almost 50 years old and my first ministerial position was woefully underpaid. I remember, I remember. I was an early denizen of Filene’s Basement and SYM’s, and never bought anything that wasn’t extremely versatile and classic in those first years. I still have some of the skirts and shoes I bought back then, and I’m VERY glad that I started to shop carefully during my last year of seminary, and more than that, getting out of the habit of rolling out of bed and going out the door with any old thing thrown on. - PB]
Comment by Sarah — February 27, 2008 #
My dear, excellent and wise advice. I wish I had had someone who had talked to me like that. I would add: You can (and should) project an image of authority and leadership even if you are the assistant. Dress your part (smart, with-it clergy leader!) even if some other clergy person is your boss.
If I could add to your service prep suggestion: I started (in Seminary) a “study bible”. Every chapter the prof taught, every sermon I preached, every exegesis I wrote: I printed out chapter and verse. I took my notes on the printout, and filed it into a large notebook with dividers for every book of the Bible. I call it “The Ultimate Study Bible” and I now have two volumes. Great when you find you need to preach on Paul and you open your book to discover you took notes in Seminary and have a ton of insights already going. I offered to give a Seminarian friend a photocopy of my book so she can have a head start on her own.
Comment by Rev Bee — February 27, 2008 #
EXCELLENT advice!! I am only a humble congregant, but my two pastors are smart, put-together people and it DOES make me feel that God is in her heaven and all’s right with the world.
Also, I’d say to Sarah, that professional clothes may be hard to come by on a tight budget, but good grooming and poise can make up for A LOT and they are always free!
Comment by Margo — February 27, 2008 #
I can totally dig this.
I’ve had to start assembling two wardrobes, that tend to have some crossover–the academic and the pastoral leader.
Note that by academic, I mean the smartly dressed one–I dress up for class and campus visits far more now that I’m in a doctoral program than I did in my seminary degree. I realized after first reading this blog so many moons ago that part of playing the part was dressing the part.
Of course, that has also helped give me a decent “dressy casual” attire for church meetings.
For what it’s worth, I’ve picked up a few suits–on sale, and with help from the family. I already had a tie collection. And I began buying good, nice-fitting dress shirts and khaki pants before I quit my salaried job to become a full time student. My father was getting rid of a number of tweed blazers that fit me quite well and are in good shape–and definitely work for academic settings and some church meetings.
There are many days I still roll out of bed late and dress like a lazy slob–but not when I’m going to my church internship or to school. Although I am “only a student” and “just the intern,” I dress for the role I intend to fulfill.
Another PeaceBang testimonial!
Comment by Peregrinato — February 28, 2008 #
This is a pet peeve of mine. At a recent Presbytery meeting we had a female candidate for ministry who wore jeans, a shapeless sweater, some kind of long, shapeles scarf and had hair that hadn’t seen a scissor for a looong time. Honey, get some clothes and get your hair cut! You are letting down the girls’ team!
Comment by revtoots — February 28, 2008 #
Just an experience from “across the pond”:
I attended a clergy-meeting yesterday. Mostly men.
The few women were dressed quite nicely but the blokes wore mostly shapeless Jeans and sweaters.
Dress up, guys! It´s not only you who want to see smart girls. Girls also wanna see smart guys!
But I have to admit: I sometimes struggle with the question “what (not)to wear”, too.
I sometimes think this question would be answered more easily if clericals were common in our tradition. But on some days I change my outfit 3-4 times. This really sucks!
Comment by chavale — February 28, 2008 #
Given that my ministry has not exactly taken firm root, I’ve spent major time — including now — as a sales associate (with TOP numbers!) in major department stores. Currenly it’s Macy’s, the only one left.
And the way to win at Macy’s is learning the rhythm of clearance shopping. As PB points out, this puts shopping into a time and space you can do it calmly and rationally (good UU values), not when you’re into an interview panic.
First, how I do research in the store:
1) Know which sizes of which items do not make it to clearance. I am a very standard size and have strong opinions about what I want. Missing a brown skirt last year that I REALLY wanted has at last taught me to accept that I have to pounce on key skirts and jackets at 30 -40 per cent off: because they will not make the deeper discounts.
2) Know what items last longest in your market. I love chintz-looking blouses and most people up here don’t seem to wear them. For these I wait for 65 - 80 per cent off the original price.
3) Know what you just can’t get there. I just bought FOUR pairs of sensible fur feminine shoes at Discount Shoe Warehouse in Dedham MA because there is not ONE narrow shoe in Burlington VT that isn’t a Dansko or special order.
4) We Macy’s employees in Vermont are mostly pretty strict about avoiding credit card debt. So if you are in a position to do this, you can do as we do, and pay off every Macy’s purchase on your card at the time you make it. That means you can swipe your card on “Use Your Card” weekends for an extra 10-20 per cent off many items, then tell the associate you want to put cash or debit in the same register drawer. It probably won’t handle everything, but every little bit helps. And you can get those clearance shirts down to $3-7 apiece, no interest, by using this strategy.
The hard part for me was doing research in my closet and sticking to it. I am only reiterating here what PB always advises, and mostly to remind myself:
1) Lay out your outfits — right to the undies (I like mine to harmonize clear through to the skin, where God and I are STILL in awareness) and out to the jewelry and make-up. Many years ago, I did this and looked at the gaps in each one. I made a list of things I needed to complete the outfits I had begun.
2) I had to give myself a year to handle the whole list Prioritize the things that cannot wait. As the wardrobe basics have built, I now have a list of “extras” that gets filled over many years, and only if the price is low enough. But it’s still a list.
3) I had to learn to pay attention to things I bought from pure love, even though they did not complete an outfit. This is where that longterm list comes in. Every time I visit any part of the store, these items are in my mind. Over time, they get matched.
4) CARRY YOUR LIST when you shop. This was the most important step. It stopped me from being distracted and impulsive (I love almost everything, even the wildly unsuitable) and sadly, also reminds me of those items that are more necessary than fun.
As PB always says, GO ahead and celebrate when an outfit gets checked off your list. When it is finished in every category, from undies to jewelry and eyeshadow, wear it someplace meaningful with incredble joy and secret pride. Your smart shopping will then brighten everyone’s day.
Comment by Rev Elz — February 28, 2008 #
This is so helpful as always, PB! As someone who is soon to graduate from seminary and head off into the great unknown of the search-and-call process and parish ministry, but also just started an “office” job after many months in jeans, I’m finding way too many mornings I stand in front of the mirror, not thrilled with my outfit, but telling myself “it’s fine” and off I go. And then the whole day I’m thinking about it and wishing I was actually wearing an outfit I look and feel FABULOUS in!
So, although today I will in fact be in sweats all day long (because I’m coming down with another cold and writing a 15-pg paper due, ahem, tomorrow), I will be re-examining my wardrobe post haste!
Comment by Beth — March 5, 2008 #
Dearest Diva of the Divine,
Your advice is so funny, yet charitable, and to the point. I love it!
Being from a Catholic background, Independent Catholic actually, we can do the whole black on black thing, and black is always sliming and does not show wear and tear as much, but I like to advise people to spruce it up with a different color clergy shirt or pants now and then depending on their color type: winter, fall, spring, summer.
But you are so right that how we look often says a lot about who we are and what we believe. We are ministers of word and sacrament, but also need to take stock in our training and preparation and look thoughtful and prepared in our outward appearance.
I once said to a fellow clergy: are you here to preach or lead jazzer size class? I have not seen sweatpants on this person at church since.
Comment by Fr. Joseph Augustine — March 17, 2008 #
This seems like a good place to mention a pet peeve of mine. Here at seminary there are a number of women with “shoe issues.” Some are young, some are older. They are talked about behind their backs, especially when they are walking around the chapel. What are their issues? Well, there are three main ones -
1) Trendy shoes that draw attention away from the service and onto the wearer. In our tradition (Episcopal) one does not walk around in black cassock or white alb with anything other than black or maybe dark brown or dark gray shoes. I know acolytes get away with it all the time, but we are not acolytes. We are preparing to be priests. Even if that means buying one pair of “church shoes” that are conservative black flats, we should do it, and change back into the cute, outfit matching shoes in the sacristy after the service.
2) Loud, clomping shoes. Again, distracting. We have one student who went out to officiate at a service recently and you could hear the clomp, clomp, clomp over the music as she walked. Hello. Again, it’s about the service, not about us. It also makes women seem less professional.
3) Wearing heels you cannot walk well or safely in. Wear heels that work for you, or professional but less high heeled shoes. We all look silly tripping off our heels. Again, it’s distracting and unprofessional. You don’t see the male priests falling off their shoes. Let’s not do it either.
Comment by Diane — April 25, 2008 #