Beauty Tips for Ministers

Diamonds and Bling and Bands, Oh My

So, married preachin’ gals. I gotta question for ya.

Say you have a fiancee who has the means to buy you a pretty big rock. Maybe it’s a family heirloom, maybe your honey is in a super-lucrative profession, whatever.

Do you accept it, wear it proudly on your left hand and add a wedding band to it at the wedding, or do you say, “Honeylamb, I am a pastor. ‘Twould be gauche for me to sport a big ole Elizabeth Taylor-sized diamond — I mean, what would Jesus say? Let’s us go pick out something way more modest, or let’s just stick to a simple band and we’ll donate the bling dough to a good cause in both our names.”

PeaceBang has never been a diamond girl, so this isn’t a personal question so much as a genuinely neutral inquiry. So don’t be thinking you’re hearing wedding bells already. That distant sound you hear is a man trying to chop broccoli in my kitchen and not cut off his thumb in the process. Which is to say, we’re in training mode around here (“I made the entree and dessert, you make the vegetable! Deal?”)

So, marrieds, whattya got?

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The Full Day-Lewis Situation

Having just found, and reeled back in my chair from, this full-length photo of Daniel Day-Lewis and his wife, Rebecca Miller taken at the Oscars the other night, I just had to share the crazy:

Gentlemen. Tuxes. To be worn with black dress shoes. Not … suede brown loafers to match the bad piping on the tux that should not be there in the first place. But it’s Daniel Day-Lewis. We forgive. Miz Miller. Gorgeous. Talented. There is no earthly explanation for the gown (did those flowers come from the set of “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory?” Are they CANDY?). But, Lord give me strength, do I see wacky, ziggy-zaggy black and white pointy-toed pumps peeping out of that hemline?

PeaceBang feels a little faint and invites us all to offset the potential cosmic disturbance caused by this ensemble by dressing in extremely classic, elegant outfits tomorrow.

(Thanks to www.GoFugYourself.com for providing the full head-to-toe exposure.)

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Helping A Friend & Transitions Out of Seminary To Ministry

Mon petite daffodils,

Transitions are hard. It is hard to transition from being a stay-at-home mama to being, for instance, a working woman in the corporate world. It is hard to transition from being a working person to a retired person. It is challenging to transition from being a movie star to being a rehab resident. It is hard to transition from being a seminarian to an ordained clergyperson.

What happens when one of your friends doesn’t seem to be making the transition well? You must pull him or her aside and say this:

“Honey Lamb, I love ya like a house afire, but your look is still too Hanes-oriented to make the professional scene. You’re undermining your own authority by wearing shapless sweatclothes, and it still doesn’t work if they’re skirts or pants or shirts with buttons; they’re not appropriate. Please let me go shopping with you and we’ll make a super fun day of it and try on tons of stuff — even stuff you don’t think will look good on you — we’re going to explore, not necessarily to purchase — and we’re going to find the more beautiful, polished YOU I know is in there. And you’re going to agree to this or I am going to send Marvin the Torch to your closet and there will be a Very Tragic Accident there.”

The point is, you must be blunt. You gotta be brave, ya gotta be bold, ya gotta be stronger. That’s not just a great karaoke song by Des’ree, it’s also a truth about friendship relationships. Friends do not let friends leave the house with muffin tops and rear-end cleavage. They call their sisters on dresses that have become a Festival of Inappropriate Sharing and offer to loan a camisole if necessary. Dudes pull their dude pals aside and say, “Let me loan you my electric razor, pal. Better yet, I’ll come over ten minutes earlier tonight and shave those gorilla hairs off the back of your neck for you, which, by the way, wouldn’t hurt to scrub now and then.” This is a given. But God also helps those who help themselves, and those of us who know that we’re going to be making an important life transition will do ourselves a world of good if we prepare earlier, rather than later, for that transition. For ministers-to-be, this means:

1. Get out of your sweats and jeans once in awhile. Own at least a couple pairs of pants that could serve in a professional setting, and know what size and cuts flatter you and FIT. Why wait until pre-candidating week, when you’ll already have enough on your mind? What’s your dress size? Hate dresses? What’s your skirt size? Fellas, do you own at least once decent tie? Get on it. Sports coat, a few decent shirts? Borrow if you have to. Develop a spectrum of looks and make some conscious choices about where and when they work for you. When in doubt, overdress a bit.

2. Assemble your grooming and/or cosmetics products as soon as you can, and start a routine of using them. Sure, you can go to class with witchy dry hair or scraggly facial hair, crust in your eyes and pallid, puffy skin that identifies you as someone who hasn’t seen the light of day since you started Intermediate Greek, but don’t get used to yourself that way. Step it up when you can. Don’t start bad grooming habits in seminary and expect it to be easy to break them once you’re a working pastor. This leads to the type of whining that causes PeaceBang to want to spank you: “I don’t have tiiiiiime to style my hair! I don’t have tiiiiiime to wear blush or lipstick!” Well then, poochikins, you don’t have tiiime to project an image of leadership, pride in your calling and dignity of the pastoral office, either, and PeaceBang doesn’t have tiiiime for that attitude!

3. As early as possible, start an organizational system for your liturgical and programmatic work. The first time someone asks you to preach, start a file for that service under theme or date or however you choose to do it. File away prayers, file chalice lightings, invocations, funeral/memorial readings, baby blessings, orders of service …. develop a system and start using it devotedly at the earliest possible moment. This isn’t about your external beauty but your interior calm when you start leading and crafting worship yourself, and (pssst), if you have an organized study (PeaceBang’s books are arranged, for instance, by subject all over her parsonage), you’ll have the tiiiiime you need before a wedding or Sunday morning service to iron your shirt and shine your shoes, fill in your eyebrows and apply some lip gloss, do ten minutes of deep belly breathing, and show up poised, peaceful and prepared.

As the world gets more chaotic and uncertain, my doves, we must be ever-more-conscious, centered and grounded representatives of HaShem, the divine Presence. If we come shooting through the door in drab jeans, hair sprouting from our ears, white gym socks where there should be black dress socks, faces and bodies that tell a tale of self-neglect, we contribute to the sense that God is not in His/Her heaven and all is not right with the world.

Tell a different tale. Tell it with your very being. Start today. Go be beautiful.

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PeaceBang’s Oscar Round-Up

FIRST of all, this year’s Best Actress, Marion Cottilard, stole my heart. I could do without the fish fin motif on her gown but she’s stunningly gorgeous, her speech was a study in Gallic charm, and I’m in love:

Also a study in absolute elegance and soignee gorgeousosity from across the pond, I give you the incomparable Helen Mirren, who looked even more splendid this year than she did last (and who thought such a thing was possible?):

(THAT’s how you wear red lipstick, kids, and she looked much better on the stage). Cameron Diaz, get on out of town with your drunken pronunciation, inelegant carriage and your death-colored lipstick. Step out the way and let the real stars show you how it’s done, honey.

As for the rest of the crowd, we were a bit tired of seeing so many black gowns that reminded PeaceBang of a community theatre production of “The Merry Widow.” Penelope Cruz, I’m lookin’ at you. Jen Garner’s was nice, but I’m not so into the tatty bottom thing.

Tilda Swinton can do whatever she wants in my book. She’s a true fashion eccentric and she’s riveting. Anyone who could casually turn her Oscar speech into an absurdist riff on George Clooney’s “Batman” era has my attention and respect. She’s a big, weird, fabulous clothes hanger of a woman with some of the greatest bone structure God ever gave to one woman.
Also a winner in the “Know Thyself” PeaceBang Tribute is writer Diablo Cody, a former exotic dancer who won for Best Screenplay for “Juno” and who did a sort of Pebbles Flintstone look for herself. I LOVE that she shunned a pair of famous designer shoes as a “cheesy publicity ploy” and opted for gold flats.

It was unfortunate that the minimally-talented, over-exposed Anne Hathaway made her presenter’s appearance in a de trop red gown
only to be followed by the luminescent Katherine Heigl in a second memorable red gown. Heigl may as well have had a banner across her chest reading, “HERE’s how you do a red gown, Hathaway!” Indeed, Miss Heigl. Indeed.

Jon Stewart did a marvelous job, and the cutest moment of the evening was when he brought the adorable little songstress from “Once” back onstage to give her a chance to give her acceptance speech without being cut off by the infernal Bill Conti (love ya, Bill, we know you’re under strict orders from the producers — but in the future, cut off gushy Julia Robertses or Halle Berrys or whining, indulgently weepy Gwynny Paltrows, not sweet girls from Ireland who still have some perspective about themselves and what the award really means).

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The Benefits Of Buying Regular Toiletries Online

Dearest pumpkins,

PeaceBang does have to get after her sermon in a moment, but she wants to ask if any of you do your regular shopping for toiletries online. As I get older and time gets dearer and gas gets more expensive, and because I have pretty good brand loyalty and know what needs to be in my medicine cabinet and supply closet month unto month, I am finding that a visit to www.drugstore.com is a good option for me.

There was a time it seemed easy to jump into a CVS or Brooks Pharmacy, or to peruse the aisles at Target or to swing by the grocery store if I ran out of contact lense solution. I have less time and patience for this nowadays, and I find that when I DO “jump into” the local pharmacy, I often leave with impulse buys. So this month, I am replenishing my deodorant, toothpaste, mascara, moisturizer, floss, and a few other items through drugstore.com. As an extra bonus,drugstore.com often stocks discontinued favorites I can no longer find in the stores, like my favorite Max Factor Stretch & Separate Waterproof Mascara. I love that I can go to one website and find what I need consistently, rather than leave the CVS with half of my list unpurchased because they’re low on stock or whatever.

I have only ordered from drugstore.com once before and I don’t remember their packaging as being overly ponderous — I could recycle the box, and the rest of the packaging was the same as it would be in the drugstore (still too much, but that’s a post for another time).

Shipping is free for orders over $49 — this time it was about $6, which seems worth it in time, gas and aggravation.

Do any others out there get your basic toiletries online? Got any hot tips?

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Something To Look Forward To

SIGH, my powder pigeons, am I right?

Christmas is long gone and we’ve recovered. Easter is coming but we’re deeply into Lent and although the days are getting longer, we’re still… well… deeply into Lent. It’s not that we want to skip Lent, but Lent can be so Lent-y, and a girl can only spend so many hours a day in prayer, penitence and self-denial. The round of visits, meetings, newsletter columns, sermons, advocacy, rites of passage, potlucks, classes, continue unabated (thanks be to God) and although we might be dutifully taking care of ourselves in the most basic ways (eating well, resting enough, exercising, engaging in spiritual practice, getting out for some fun with friends/family now and then), we can feel in a bit of a rut, wearing the same four or five outfits every day, eating the same sandwich for lunch, and even thinking a lot of the same kinds of thoughts. We haven’t made a new recipe in eons, we haven’t put time aside to noodle on the piano (or banjo), we haven’t painted or thrown a pot since Advent, and we just know that our calendar won’t allow for any creative pursuits for awhile yet. It’s too early to garden, and although we’re grateful to God and mostly content, we just want a little zippy something to look forward to.

It’s when PeaceBang starts to feeling this way that she tries to breathe deeply and embrace the season, to listen to the same meditation music every night, stay the course, and to see God in the ordinary — but also to make sure she walks the fine line between Lenten interiority and just plain Drab Winter Doldrums carefully lest she tip over and get a whopping case of the blues. And therefore, somewhere between her mid-January birthday and Mardi Gras, she likes to tuck a few fun things away that she can pull out come early spring that will put a huge smile on her face and give her a little shot of the girlie joy. Yes, it’s materialistic and shallow, perhaps, but it’s also about celebration, hope and anticipation of warmer and sunnier days ahead.

This year, my Mardi Gras put-it-away-for-later-because-life-is-not-just-a-vale-of-tears purchase was made at the Dillards in Naples, Florida. You can blame Rali if you hate it — (mine is a bit of smaller print and has different, cuter buttons) — it was on major, major, major sale (like 70% off) and she convinced me that it looks great on me:

The other purchase was a small one, a little rock-and-roll girl eyeshadow by Urban Decay called Narcotic that is this exact color:

It looks good, I promise. Not as trashy and saucy as it does on her,
but dramatic and gorgeous for a date night out (not, for heaven’s sake, anywhere near church!).

These are my two little give-me-a-giggle fashion treats to look forward to. The fact that some friends just gave me a ukulele as a gift just adds to the glee. A UKLELE!! I am SO excited!! Of course I will happily play it like a 6-year old, but it’s a beautiful instrument, have you seen this exquisite video?

God knows ya gotta have some glee, children. PeaceBang thinks that glee can be worn by pastors, and should be, as long as they
know what they’re projecting, and are doing it with confidence, panache and a sense of whimsy. Go get you some glee.

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