Beauty Tips for Ministers

Cape Fear

I know I don’t have to tell you this, my intelligent and lovely readers, but in case you were thinking of pulling a Rosario Dawson and obliterating your shape under an enormous cape, think again. Unless you have obvious clothes on underneath, you risk looking as though you’re getting ready to flash the assemblage, and that’s never good.

Although now that I think about it, this isn’t so much a cape as it is a building:

Ordained Compulsive Overeaters, Unite! Announcing The Online Ministry Posse

Self-care DOES seem to be the theme on BTFM lately, doesn’t it? And as Martha would say, that’s a good thing, because no matter how fabulous our outfits, shoes, hair, make-up and grooming, if there’s an uncared-for person underneath all that, we’re no good to ourselves, our families, our communities or our God.

Caught ya! You didn’t think PeaceBang would suggest that we EVER not good to God, did you? That wouldn’t be very Universalist of her, would it?? God doesn’t need us to be good to ourselves in order to love us. Let’s remember that.

PeaceBang is undertaking the journey of addressing her compulsive overeating with the help of Weight Watchers and is shocked and awed by how easily she was putting away 6-7 servings of perfectly healthy food at every meal, and sometimes between meals. You should have seen me last night measuring out my chicken chili into little freezer bags and saying, “OH HELL NO, I can eat that much in ONE BITE!!” As my regular readers know, food is PeaceBang’s drug of choice, and a full tummy is for her a calming and security-enhancing feeling, except when it’s an overly-full tummy in which case she gets remorseful and heart-burny.

Overeating is no big deal and PeaceBang doesn’t like to pathologize it too much. We live in a fat, food-oriented society, we all have lots of occasions to over-eat (and we do), and we spend far too much time agonizing about calories and dress/pants sizes when we ought to be focusing on more important issues. We’re all good and tired of the constant media trumpeting about the OBESITY EPIDEMIC, and no one needs another diet plan or magic pill or weight-loss reality show to talk about around the water cooler.

All that said, and with no promises to succeed, I am feeling the effects of the 100 lbs. I’ve gained since 10th grade and have come to the realization that I cannot and will not lose weight without a system of accountability and a program to follow. The statistics for successful weight loss are poor, I know, but my goals are simple: learn to eat like a normal person (”normal” defined as someone who eats until they’re satisfied and then stops without having an upset, deprived little fit in their head about it) and stop using food to reward and calm.

I took a little spin back to the 12-step Overeaters Anonymous community and was so repulsed by the piety of it and by the pathologizing of a perfectly common behavior (this offends me far more than the cheerleadery, brainless Weight Watchers messages one has to endure at meetings), not to mention the tendency of women in OA meetings to have no feminist consciousness whatsoever, that I’m going to try to create a community of support here online.

Lizard Eater started a blog called The Weight of the World awhile ago and it’s very good, but I’m looking for people who might be willing to receive e-mails from me and just to listen — and in exchange I will offer pastoral support to you with your own issues (which need not be overeating). The idea here is that instead of going to the fridge and freaking out over what I can’t have, I can whip off an e-mail to a member of my Online Ministry Posse and know that someone real will read it and care, even if they have nothing to say but “Keep at it, kid.” We promise to pray for each other. We will offer no advice unless it is specifically requested, and that includes diet tips. We will refrain in all ways from competitiveness or comparisons. Our purpose is to have a safe place to express feelings that aren’t appropriately aired elsewhere for fear of irritating those we love most.

All correspondences will be treated with pastoral confidentiality.

Who’s in?

[Udate: Due to demand, the Ordained Overeaters Online Ministry Posse is closed for now. Thanks for your interest and if I can figure it out, I will try to create something easier to access and moderate than e-mails. Blessings on all your health and self-care efforts. - PB, 12/11/07]

Bach’s Rescue Remedy: What Is?

Now darlings, it’s very interesting to hear such positivity coming through the comments about this product, Bach’s Rescue Remedy.
PeaceBang studied herbalism pretty seriously in the late 1980’s and early 90’s as part of her Wiccan foray but never did fully grasp the concept of homeopathic herbalism, so could someone please ’splain it to me?

PeaceBang knows that herbs are serious things not to be messed with. She remembers a time in divinity school when she was drinking witchy healing concoctions with impunity and wound up putting her health in serious danger at least once. She has also many times successfully treated coughs, colds, flus and other ailments with herbals and of course we all know they’re simply yummy in food and even in the bath. And if anyone knows an herbal remedy for PeaceBang’s terribly itching hands, please do share, they’re driving me CRAZY as a bedbug (the itching isn’t external, it feels internal, if that makes any sense — please don’t tell me this is a symptom of some horrible disease. PeaceBang is a secret hypochondriac as it is and has already self-diagnosed herself with lupus and several forms of cancer).

But ANYWAY, when I took Bach’s Rescue Remedy back in the 90’s I felt that I would basically have to swallow 9-10 little bottles to get any effect because what is it, exactly? Little vibratory essences of flowers? Right? I mean, some gal in long braids trips out to the field humming “Sunshine” by John Denver and harvests a bunch of flowers at the moment the dew is just drying up on the buds and brings them inside and waves them over a pot of distilled water and they sell the stuff at $9 a half ounce or something, am I right? I don’t want to be cynical or disrespectful, but how is this supposed to help my frangled nerves? Perhaps the fact that it’s 27% alcohol has something to do with its effectiveness, ja?

I’ve heard that this potion works on dogs and I’m glad about that, but how’er kin I feel to the doggie folk, I ain’t no canine.

PeaceBang welcomes your heartfelt defense of Bach’s Rescue Remedy and the whole concept of homeopathy. My itchy hands and I look forward to them. Also, if you’re a big fan feel free to send me some so I can review it.

‘Tis the Season…

… for anxiety attacks, of course!

Boy, have I been battling my Panic Demons today! They’ve been wonderfully at bay for months now and I thought I had ‘em licked, but I got hit with a mini-attack on Sunday morning when I sat directly in front of an evergreen wreath hanging up in the pulpit, breathed in the histamines and had a wheezy moment that sent me directly over the edge into the land of the Thumping Heart, tingling hands and hot face. As I sat calmly and smiled at the congregation as the prelude played it occurred to me to go running out of the sanctuary and out the doors to get some fresh air. I decided against it, though, as potentially alarming to my dearly beloveds. As sufferers of anxiety know, these thoughts come in a flash and must be beaten down with one’s strongest “BAD DOG” inner voice. I’m not allergic to pine. It was a very temporary little wheeze that set off a ridiculous excess of red flashing lights and alarms in my nervous system.

It happened again in class this morning. A few moments after I sat down a wave of anxiety swept into me so hard that I actually blurted out like an idiot, “I’M HAVING AN ANXIETY ATTACK.” It was a classroom full of ministers, thank god, so no one was perturbed but I had to leave the room immediately and race-walk down the hall to outrun my racing, doomy thoughts and physiological distress. As I walked I heard my kind professor’s voice say, “It’s that time of year.”

Later in the day I was concentrating on something and the panic started to well up again. Fortunately just at that moment my friend used some lovely lavender-smelling skin cream on her hands and the scent helped me calm down. Maybe I’ll start keeping some in my bag (yea, that and a bottle of scotch! No darlings, I’m just joshing. Quite unfortunately alcohol is generally a stimulant for me and is not my drug of choice. Fried chicken wings are my drug of choice.).

I do tend to get anxiety attacks after completing stressful tasks or events, so I’m not that surprised. Thanksgiving was a big to-do, and then last weekend I preached a very self-revealing sermon that, in retrospect, took a lot of nerve (no wonder I had tummy troubles that morning!). I had a paper due today, and there’s a longer laundry list of concerns on my mind this year than usual — nothing negative, all interesting and positive, but as Mama always says ….”just because you love it doesn’t mean it’s not stressful!”

The irrational nature of this syndrome is so disturbing to me: how can my body skid off the road like that as if something is so wrong when my really, all is well? I want to say to myself like Austin Powers, “OH, beHAVE.” I’m getting better at it. I really am. I hardly ever wake up with panic any more. I’ve cut out the caffeine and I don’t eat dark chocolate near bedtime (which could trigger nocturnal attacks). My calming self-talk is becoming more effective and if I can be patient for about 30 minutes I’m generally over it.

Here’s what I’m going to do tonight: sit silently in God’s presence with a lit candle, not read, not write, not plan Christmas services, not try to make big decisions about my doctoral program, and not compulsively think about or try to organize the next three weeks.

Brothers and sisters, take care of your dear selves.

Nightmare Headshots: Don’t Let This Be You!

Darlings,

It’s such a good idea to have a professional quality headshot of yourself for those times you’ll be appearing in a brochure, catalog or flier. Do get someone to take one for you and keep it on hand, and better out-of-date than to have nothing appropriate at all.

Give some thought to how you want to look in that photo. Do you want to be in natural lighting or inside in the church? Do you want to be wearing vestments, a suit, or something more casual? What image do you want to project? It’s a great idea to have a few options so you can pick and choose.

PeaceBang herself has a decent photo taken in the church in 3/07 by the producer of “Nightline” (on nothing more fancy than PB’s digital camera) and a “personality” headshot suitable for theatre lobbies, but nothing formal. She is reminding herself that she needs to do something about this.

That said, PeaceBang has just run into two ministerial headshots that caused her to gasp in dismay. In one, a middle-aged woman is hunched down in the frame smiling tentatively, her hair laying (lying? grammar geeks, do tell) in lank pools around her shoulders. She appears to have no neck whatsoever. Her head is at an awkward angle and her skin is a very angry shade of pink; a case not of Rouge Abuse but of a naturally ruddy complexion. It is a terrible, sloppy photograph that never should have been used for any professional use, and which badly undermines this person’s efforts to promote herself as a leader. Don’t let this happen to you, sugarplum fairies!

The second consternation-causing photograph I found online tonight features a middle-aged male pastor looking dead-on into the camera lens and leaning forward with a smiling expression of such insecure need it’s as though he’s going to JUMP THROUGH THE LENS AND MAKE YOU LOVE HIM!! He is wearing a stole over street clothes (why, I have no idea — I wasn’t aware that sitting for an informal snapshot was a pastoral function). Does this photograph make me want to visit this minister’s church? Quite the opposite. In fact, it makes me want to RUN AWAY from fear, for the look in this man’s eyes and his posture give me the distinct feeling that he has serious boundary issues, and that’s no laughing matter.

Some tips for informal photos to be used for promotional materials:

1. Sit up straight!!! and find a good, relaxed angle.
2. Practice your smile. Some people grimace and look pained when they pose for photos, some smile with their tongue between their teeth. There’s no shame in finding a nice smile.
3. If photographing in color, take some test shots to see that your skin tone and make-up look right.
3. Take a lot of photos: this image is IMPORTANT! Do not feign modesty and walk away after the first snap. You are responsible for your public image — take the time and effort to get something good. If you use digital it’s no trouble at all to take two dozen photos in different poses and facial expressions, download them and choose the best.
4. For God’s sake, fix your hair!
5. Gents, if you’re being photographed in a suit in a seated position, pull the jacket down and smooth it so the shoulders aren’t bunched up.
6. Ask someone with good aesthetic sense to be your stylist for the occasion. They can keep a critical eye on bad hair, wrinkled or bunched clothing and give you someone to smile AT, which makes your expression ever so much more genuine.

Go be beautiful!