Beauty Tips for Ministers

Noisy Boots

I forgot to say the other day that a cobbler can probably put a rubber sole of some sort on loud, clacky boots to make them a quieter ride.

That is all. Because someone asked.

Kiss of peace, PB

Speak To Us Of Helmet Head

Ahhh, PeaceBang is so happy that Christine asked about Helmet Head in the last comments section.

Helmet Head can strike men and women equally, and while it is not the worst of hair issues (sweaty, dandruffy, frizzy tufts on balding men with accompanying strong Scalp Smell is far worse in terms of undermining clergy image), it isn’t doing anyone any favors.

Helmet Head is hair that does not move, is hair that is either cut or styled in such a way as to cause every strand to be in place and gives the impression of uptightness, matronly propriety or, in the case of men, sleazy evangelist (”the bigger the hair the closer to God”). Think “set” hair from the 1960s with lots of tease and spray; that’s one version, and it has its own old-school neatness to it (I’d rather see certain veteran female colleagues in this style than with lank, bobby-pinned tresses snaking limply down their necks, f’ rinstance). Another version of helmet head is the old Hilary Clinton-style bob, which broadcasts to me, “I am UNDER CONTROL. Everything is UNDER CONTROL.” This is not an approachable look.

With HH, nothing moves, everything is stiff. Given that the hair is a symbol of life (which is why, I suppose, really long untrimmed hair gives me the creeps — it’s so dead), Helmet Head communicates to me a degree of fear, repression and need for control.

We can also get HH when we pull our hair back and it just sits there around our faces, unflattering, dull in color, no movement, no shine, nothing but restraint and “neatness.” Pair that with some granny glasses and you’ve got central casting’s “Hippie Chick #1, Circa Kent State Shootings.” Retro, and not in a good way. This look can be incredibly harsh on even the youngest, loveliest faces. Yes, Maria Callas wore her hair severely pulled back but she was intentionally emphasizing her fabulous Greek bone structure. She wore a chignon, not a dull ponytail, and she was never without a deep red lipstick and elegant posture.

As I said, however, that’s not the worst or only Hair Problem that can besiege today’s pastor. Lackluster, no-style hair communicates “I just can’t deal with being a public person.” Chopped-off, unflattering hair (too short bangs on older women, for example) communicates, “I tried! But I have no idea what looks good on me!” Styles that haven’t budged in two decades can communicate, “I’m living in the past and I’d like to insist that you join me there” or “Who, me? Have an exterior appearance? Never thought about it!”

Hair is the easiest way to make a move from wan and washed out to wow, but it scares people. I wish it wouldn’t. I wish women weren’t generally so devoted to maintaining completely unflattering hair colors and styles.

Here’s some great hair. Of course she’s been colored, curled and coiffed by the experts, but look at the movement, the brightness of it, the sense of personality! No, kittens, don’t freak out. I’m not suggesting that we copy Drew’s look, just to say how interesting hair can be, and how much energy it can broadcast.

Because we are not “read” in society as individuals but often as a symbol for the vitality and relevance (or not) of the contemporary church, it behooves all of us to check out our ‘dos and dress to see what we may be unconsciously communicating. That’s my message, that’s what we’re doing here, and Happy Hairdo, everyone.

Hillary In Helmet Head

Hillary In Not Helmet Head

(I can’t find a photo of Hill in full helmet mode — that’s the best I could do. It is worth noting, however, that when “the softening of Hillary Clinton” campaign began, her image people started with her hair.

And just for kicks, this is a photo of me that appeared six years ago in the Boston Globe. Check out how helmet-y my hair was back then. That spiky look was in at that time, but things have loosened up a lot since then:

Crazy Leopard Lady!

Speaking of animal prints, here’s Nicole Kidman proving the point that they can make a dame look a lot like a society matron if she’s not careful.

This is just awful. The helmet head, the huge lapels, the prim little shoes, ugh! If she had paired the blazer with… no, I don’t think this garment can be redeemed, friends. Nicole, you’re so beauootiful! Knock off the Botox and go back to strawberry blonde, we’re begging you!

Thanks to GoFugYourself.com for the photo.

On Zebra Prints and Bags

Hey ladybugs and boybugs!
Anna wants ta know:

Dilemma #1: Animal prints, and the judicious use thereof. I discovered Zappos recently, thanks in fact to your blog, and also discovered an abundance of gorgeous leopard (rowwrr!) and zebra patterned pumps, which I would never see locally. Also recently, I found a nifty zebra patterned bag. Not wanting to look like a walking zoo, I wouldn’t use both shoes and bag at the same time, but uh . . . when do you wear animal print items, anyway? The last time I wore anything leopard print, Reagan was in office, and I wore lots of things I wouldn’t wear now . . . Are these items you could wear to work, or would I have to save them for date night? (I work at a church in the East, in a town where people dress rather conservatively.)

Dilemma #2: My husband claims that the rather worn black leather purse I was planning to get rid of, due to wear marks, can be saved with shoe polish. (It is a great bag and I’ve gotten a lot of use and enjoyment out of it, and the mileage now shows.) I am afraid that my jackets would in turn be sacrificed to shoe polish. Can you rescue purses with worn leather? And is shoe polish really the way?

Simple dimple, darling.

Dilemma #1: Save animal prints for fun time. If you’d like to include them in your professional wear, keep them to a neck scarf under a blazer or a pair of pumps or boots with a tailored suit. Or use the fun zebra bag with a very classic outfit where you don’t have any other patterns going on.

Dilemma #2: Why, I have no idea! But it seems to me that shoe polish might be a mess. Perhaps you might take the bag to a leather-worker or cobbler and ask them. Or maybe the readers of this blog might have some suggestions.

Suggestions For Boots

Good morning, Candy Canes. PeaceBang is feeling more human this morning so is going to answer this leetle inquiry that goes like this:

Has Peacebang ever told us how to wear boots? I have three fabulous pairs I love, but I can’t figure out what to wear with them. I used to wear one pair with a cute tweedy, knee length skirt (which is gone now), but really: sweaters? Suits? Button down shirts? Help! How can we wear our boots?

Also, how can we make our boots quiet? One pair with a chunky-heeled, 1.5″ cutie, but it’s SO noisy and hard to pull off.

First of all, honey pie, PeaceBang prefers to say that she advises, she doesn’t tell. When it comes to wearing Crocs, reindeer sweaters, helmet hair, and dead, wan faces in the pulpit she advises very strongly, but it’s all up to you! You have free will like God made ya! So let’s talk about how to use your God-given free will in the wearing of boots.

Wear ‘em all the time! Boots are fabulous! PeaceBang’s favorite outfit is a pair of dark denim flared jeans with boots, a shirt and blazer, or a shirt and sweater. Boots go with most everything now — although PeaceBang is not a big fan of the frilly babydoll dresses-with-boots look since only serious fashionistas, the young and the very slim and long-legged can pull it off.

Many boots are heavy, and those that are need a hearty fabric to stand up to them. You don’t want to wear boots with silky skirts or something that looks too springy or summery. Boots look great with pants of all kinds; it’s hard to imagine a situation where pants and boots aren’t a good combo. Again, if you’re worried about looking like a cowhand in cowboyish boots, wear something more professional and feminine up top. You don’t want to go about in jeans, boots, a button-up blouse and nothing else. Add a belt to your blouse, wear big hoop earrings, put on a vest — do something to bring the outfit from sloppy to attractive.

There are lots of gorgeous boots out there made of buttery leathers (or faux leathers) and suedes that are every bit as dressy as a pair of pumps. They can dress up a suit and bring a huge dash of snazz to an otherwise unremarkable wardrobe. If you’re in the market for such a boot, considering looking for something in a creamy taupe, deep black or chocolate brown with a little elegant buckle or detailing. The boot should fit like a glove and cause Italian women to compulsively stop you on the street and ask you where you got your shoes. If they try to knock you out and steal your boots off your feet, you know you’ve found some winners.

FRUMP ALERT: One of the key ways women get into serious frump territory with boots is to wear skirts that stop four or five inches above the boot top, revealing a length of floppy leg flesh. This is so, so, so unattractive! Boots that stop mid-calf should NEVER be worn with skirts that aren’t ankle-length (and you know how PB feels about skirts that long — most of us can’t get away with wearing them but persist in the fantasy that they make us look appealingly prairie circuit-riderish when to most eyes we just look totally outre, or, um, Amish). And let me tell you, reverend dudes, we don’t want to see your hairy calves peeking out the top of your Bean boots when you cross your legs in meetings. Nor should you wear snow boots with suits, as if I had to tell you that.

Along the same line, gals, do NOT wear obvious snow boots with skirts if you can avoid it. Snow boots are heavy and furry and ponderous, like little snow tires for your feet. Skirts are feminine and lovely of line, and there is no faster way to destroy the line of a skirt (whether floaty and pretty or structured and slim) than to slap on a pair of muckalucks. It’s incongruous, like Sasquatch wearing a party dress. It’s also squattifying and hugely unflattering, and there, PeaceBang just made up a new word just for you (squattifying)! Isn’t she a clever bean?

Do not be fooled by the recent pictorials in the celebrity magazines featuring dewy young things tromping all over Rodeo Drive in Uggs and denim mini-skirts. Those girls have freakishly long legs with no body fat on them and they’re supposed to shock and awe
with their bizarre and risky fashion choices. You and I need to be more judicious with our boots and pair them with terrific trousers, seemly skirts and fabulous frocks.

One last word: a great look with boots is to wear a knee-length skirt with knee-high boots. For the look to work, the boots really need to fit the calf and go all the way, or very close to, the knee. If there’s any gap it will look funny, but if there’ a slight gap just fill it in with dark hose and all will be forgiven. But again, the boot should be a slim leather or faux leather. If you’re over 30 and a professional, no furry lace-up things with skirts. No tufts of shearling peeking out from under a tweed suit.

If you’re brave enough to wear the new (again) ankle booties with skirts, send along a photo with the news of your triumph, because PeaceBang wouldn’t dare. If you’re trying this look, you are making sure to wear hose that approximately match the boot, right? To lengthen the leg and give the look a touch of womanly elegance?

PeaceBang is Sick and Tired…

…in that order.

Tummy trouble, and the great, dragging post-Thanksgiving weariness.

Inspire me! Write in with kvestions! How ya doing out there!?

[Update: As it turns out, I did NOT poison my colleagues with tainted eggs. They all report that they are dandy and fine, and that I am the only one whose stomach was attacked by microscopic martians that day. Or else I have a dairy intolerance. I’m not sure, and I hate to think so! I would be happy to share my recipe for cheesy kale frittatta.- PB, 11.29.07]