Beauty Tips for Ministers

On Installations and Ordinations: Etiquette and Dress

It’s always tough to go from an ecclesiastical engagement to a social one, isn’t it? And what’s a girl to WEAR?

This Sunday I will be participating in an installation (wearing vestments to the service, but there’s the reception to dress for, too) and then meeting friends for a casual dinner. It would be so tempting to wear a cute dress with a long, granny sweater, boots and big earrings and do the Boho Look, but that just wouldn’t be appropriate for the historic congregation. I feel that a formal occasion in the church calls for structured clothing on the clergy. Therefore, I will be wearing a black suit, these shoes in blackbrown-belladonna.jpg, and try to add some “interest” factor with a neat belt and scarf. I’ll have to be overdressed for dinner but there are benefits: that belt and slightly snug blazer will probably keep me from chowing down too enthusiastically!

Pigeons, hear me on this: no minister should wear corduroy anything to an installation. It’s too informal. We have so few truly special occasions left in this jeans-and-Crocs world, the clergy should be impeccable at these events. It’s a visual way of connecting with the past and honoring the present.

Furthermore, my fine feathered friends, our conduct at installations and ordinations should be as elegant as our dress. It pains PeaceBang’s heart and makes her blood pressure rise when ministers get into the pulpit at an ordination and make jokey, social-clubby work of the Charge to the Minister, the Right Hand of Fellowship or any of the other elements. This is wildly inappropriate and PeaceBang ardently wishes she never felt the need to say anything about it, but she finally must. An ordination or installation is not a party, it is a religious ceremony. An installation is not a clergy hazing ritual, it is a sacred rite which establishes bonds between congregation and their chosen minister (I speak from a congregational polity perspective, of course). It is one thing to use warm humor and a personal touch in our moments with the ordinand or new minister; it is another thing altogether to chortle and fumble our way through some aspect of the liturgy that we have not thoroughly prepared on the theological, emotional and purely technical level. The former is delightfully human, the latter is inexcusably sloppy and disgraceful.

If we are asked to participate in an ordinaton or an installation, it is our responsibility to know where our piece fits in the liturgy, to meet with the liturgist (or at least speak with him/her) about our part, and to think through not only our words but our “staging,” if there is any. We should arrive early enough to robe and to receive our instructions regarding how and when to ascend the pulpit, and when to leave. Are we introducing a hymn? Should we remain up at the pulpit while another colleague gives a prayer or reading, and exit with him/her for symmetry’s sake? We must think not only of our piece, but of the transitions in and out of it.

There’s an awful lot of showbiz in these services, and as it is the participants’ responsibility to learn our part, so is it the responsibility of the ordinand/installee to stay in close touch with the presiders and to provide them with all the information they need. There should be a marshall chosen and trained in advance to “run the show,” if you will, so that the ordinand or “installee” is not troubled by these details on this big day. A water pitcher and glasses, tissues, cough drops and sufficient copies of the Order of Worship will all be appreciated in the robing room, as will a full-length mirror and un-messy, un-sugary snacks for pastors on the run who had no time for lunch. If we wonder why so few of our colleagues attend ordinations and installations, PeaceBang would tend to guess that low blood sugar and late-Sunday exhaustion has a lot to do with it. Set out some coffee and little sammies for the preacher boys and girls and we may see our district attendance rising at these events.

If they are traveling any considerable distance, a sit-down meal should be provided afterward for major participants (whom we may assume are especially dear to the ordinand’s heart and therefore a delightful prospect as dinner guests): they should not be expected to fill their bellies while on their feet during the busy din of a reception. This meal should be planned with the Ordination/Installation Committee and can be as simple or as fancy as the church budget allows. It should not be omitted for any reason, however, as it is most inhospitable to import colleagues from a distance and then fail to feed them before they get back on the road home. What have we come to that we should expect either busy colleagues or eminent retirees to travel to our church on our behalf, deliver carefully prepared words and prayers, stand on their feet for an hour “working the crowd,” and then climb back into the car or plane exhausted and unfed? I’m sorry to say it so bluntly, newbies, but a generation that considers gracious hospitality optional is a sorely deficient generation of the Church.

Hear ye! Preachers for the event should receive a gift in the mail within a month of preaching your service: they have, after all, taken extraordinary pains to craft a special sermon for your special event and very possibly their second of the day. It is an enormous honor to be asked to preach at your ordination or installation, but also a burdensome responsibility. Do not fail to recognize, and to appreciate, this. PeaceBang has preached one ordination sermon in her life that took her no less than 15 hours to craft to her satisfaction( and during her vacation, no less)! She doubts that this gets much easier with time and experience. Other participants should receive a written thank-you note within a few months.

Although we are in an era of modernizing the church and its programs, installations and ordinations are occasions requiring the utmost decorum and attention to detail. They are teaching moments for the Church and shining examples of our polity in action. Above all, congregations themselves should be educated well in advance of the installation or ordination on the history and meaning of these occasions so that they are not, as PeaceBang has too often seen in the Free Church, sitting in the pews under the impression that they are passive, fond observers of this ritual, but understand their centrality to the proceedings.

(Random photo: I have no idea who all these Piskies are but they look nice for this event.)

Helldorado Days

So way back when a few months ago, I get a “Help Me, PeaceBang” letter from a pastor out in the Wild, Wild West who doesn’t know how she should dress for the town’s Helldorado Days, which is some kind of historical re-enactment kind of whingding.

Why not have fun with it, sez I. Get a wig, get all gussied up in a long skirt and mutton-chop sleeve blouse and carry a big old Bible. Make like an old-timey circuit-riding preacher lady.

Look how totally cute she turned out.

Problematic Haberdashery

At the Elie Wiesel lecture last night at Boston University:

Man with yalmulke on head?
Reverence to G-d.

Man with beret on head?
Instant pretentiousness factor.

Mais oui!
Gents, don’t let me catch you in one of these unless it’s at Les Deux Magot. In which case you should buy me a cafe au lait and we’ll take a little walk down to Notre Dame and laugh at the Flamboyant Jesus they have at the top, who looks like He’s warming up for “Dancing With the Stars.”

Finishing Touches Are Not The Whole Meal

PeaceBang’s policy is not to discuss her own church work on this blog but she just wants to say that a certain student minister who preached in a certain congregation this morning not only gave a terrific and very promising first sermon but looked just smashing with a touch of lipstick and make-up. VERY polished, and it made a difference under the lights.

THAT said, PeaceBang attended the theatre on Friday night and was made very perplexed by a woman audience member who came flouncing in wiearing a really fantastic sort of wrap — it was that fuzzy knitted material (shredded chenille?) that looks somewhat like fur. The wrap was dramatic and orangey-colored and would have just been FABULOUS if it hadn’t been thrown on over a Henley tee-shirt and jeans. The hair was drab and in the face, the face was bare of make-up and similarly drab. PeaceBang struck herself in the forehead in the classic ‘I could have had a V-8′ gesture and said, “Ah Ha! This lady has mistaken a Finishing Touch for her main course!” This happens all the time. The man who attends the wedding in a tux with frizzy, unruly facial hair and wax in his ears. The gal who puts on a velvet dress and walks out the door bare-legged and wan, thinking that the dress will do the whole job for her. The minister who dons the vestments and throws her hair up in a sloppy bun and shuffles out in scuffed clogs. Tsk tsk. Preparing to be out in the world is more than a matter of one wrap, a tux or a Geneva gown. You can’t expect one garment to do that much work for you.

All that woman in the theatre needed to do to look presentable was to exchange her Henley tee for a black sweater, powder her nose and put on some lipstick, comb her hair and add a pair of earrings. That’s all; that simple. Like last week when I was invited to give a talk on campus and wasn’t dressed very nicely I simply changed my black comfy shoes for kickin’ bronze boots. Brush the hair, apply a fresh coat of lip gloss and voila — if not fantastic, at least presentable. At least not jarringly inconsistent.

Simply this, pigeons: when dressing up, dress up all of you. As MotherBang always says, “I can’t STAND IT when I see women in formal wear and no make-up! If they had bothered to do their hair and make-up they could have purchased a dress at half that price and looked twice as good!!”
That’s the kind of wisdom that has earned her the nickname Mother Superior.

Chaplain Chick

This sassy little reader stole my heart right away by saying, “Kudos to you and your fats.” How could I not try to help her? Here is her query:

I am presently a chaplain for a seminary (the non-collar wearing kind even though I am th collar wearing kind of minister!) I will be a volunteer police/fire chaplain very soon and I need some “uniform” advice.
I want to 1. look like a professional(religous) 2. have clothes that I can launder frequently at high temps! 3. I want to appear from an observers vantage point to be “with the police” but not necessarily one of them. I want to be perceived by the police/fire as the real deal without looking like I want to be one of them. I am not opposed to collars but other than that I am lost.
I would look to appear like the female I am but don’t want to look like I want to date. So far I am thinking pressed nice cargo pants in a dark color and a twill shirt or a short sleeved polo. Unfortunately the dept only supplies a twill shirt w/ chaplain emblazened right over, where do you ask…why right over the bosom of course. Ugh! I need help. I know you are not the police fashionista but can you stretch your abilities?

Dear readers, I did, in fact, try to stretch my abilities. Here is my response to HH, the Rockin’ Chaplain ChicK:

VERY challenging, my little pigeon!
Okay, a few things

First, do NOT try to look like one of the police or fire dudes. That won’t work. You’re too young and too female. You’re young, right? If so, you’ll just look like you’re trying to dress up like mommy and daddy if you make yourself a miniature of the guys in the force. I would get a pair of twill pants, a nice belt, round-toed Naot black shoes [the style I’m thinking of is Salvadore], a clergy collar shirt in black and a good two-button blazer. You’re in black, it’s obviously a kind of uniform, you’re not too dressy, you can run if need be, you can get dirty with no big deal, and you can take off the blazer and run around in your shirt if you need to. You wear this every day. You don’t get cutesy with colored shirts and [cuss word] like that. You don’t wear a big ole badge on your bachongas. You wear a clerical collar — ancient, classic, serious. No one will possibly doubt what you’re there for.

You carry a cross-body messenger bag, nothing girly or “pursey.” You do your hair nicely and wear some make-up to look polished, you wear a pair of small silver hoops because you’re a girl. “I don’t want to look like I want to date” is ridiculous. You either flirt and act like you’re sexually available or you don’t, and you should not. I mean, it’s not like you were considering low-cut shirts and high heels, were you? On the other hand, you don’t have to be a stern schoolmarm either. Just be you in your uniform, which should be impeccably clean and pressed at all times. Buy two of everything — I’m serious, you’ll be wearing them EVERY DAY.

What’s your body type? Tell me and I’ll steer you to some good pants options.

Chaplains, let’s hear from you? What’s your advice to our gal? When she says she wants to be able to launder garments frequently in high temps, I’m not sure what that means but certainly Dockers and cotton clergy shirts can stand multiple washings. And no one should be washing clothes at high temps. Maybe she means that she lives in a warm climate. We’ll have to hear from her.

People We Love

Thanks to ChaliceChick for alerting me to this lovely little article on the nice people over at Zappos, an on-line mega shoe store.

Cripes, that’s nice. Given all the nightmare stories we hear about customer service (like my hideous experiences with Dell, which should get a goiter on its neck the size of my Aunt Rivka’s rear end) it’s nice to get some good news once in awhile.

The extra honey-headed thing about this is that I feel like someone just sent flowers to this grieving gal and didn’t assume that it would become a big news story and get them tons of extra publicity. Zappos has long had a great reputation for customer service, and apparently well-earned.