Beauty Tips for Ministers

God Beauty and Superheroes

PeaceBang here, my friends, writing from SisterBang’s quiet, charmingly bohemian rural abode in Connecticut. As I type, Sid(hartha) the cat lies curled up asleep. A cat I’ve never seen in my life just snuck in through a crack in the porch sliding glass door (HI Kitteh!) and slipped out again after making a turn around my ankles.

Three deer are outside hanging out under a flaming maple tree.

So much beauty. Nice job, God!! Tomorrow I will drive to Pennsylvania for a serious trick-or-treating date with Spiderman and Superman, my two and three year-old nephews who will believe with all their hearts that they look scary and fierce. I’m not really sure how I will accompany them from house to house without laughing the entire way at their cuteness, but I will try to maintain my piratical dignity as I clomp along with my eye patch and parrot on my shoulders. I will try to get a photo of me in my get-up for your general mirth.

Ellis, and everyone else who’s wondering how to dress up for Halloween without getting into really inappropriate French Maid territory, just use yer noggin and yer best sense! Be funny! Pin a chenille throw to your back as a cape and go as SuperPastor. And for heaven’s sake, don’t sweat it. Christians aren’t supposed to participate in this pagan nonsense anyway, but I’m glad we do!

Them deers out there sure is pretty.
And so are you, dears.

Bag Lust

Well, curses. Ya’ll spoke so highly of Franklin Covey bags that I went on their website and looked at the inventory and now I have serious bag lust for this one:

It’s just a fabulous color, it will clash with everything I own but I don’t even care, I love it so much. It’s so distinctive, it’s just the color of Agnes Moorehead’s hair in “Bewitched” so how could I not love it?

But it’s $220, people. Agh. Still, because I don’t generally carry my computer any considerable distance (thanks for caring about my alignment, though, Scott) and because this comes with a detachable shoulder strap, it’s worth holding in the “lust file” for Christmas or for a sale. They do go on sale, right?

Don’t Dare Me

To the reader who dared PeaceBang ten bucks to wear false eyelashes to the installation today, pony up the dough. I wore ‘em, the installee can confirm this, and you can just trot over to Paypal now, Pal (hint: there’s a link in the “Pass the Basket” button).

The trick is to trim them so they match your actual eyes. I won’t say that I didn’t look eccentic up close, but not so much so that anyone will be talking about it for more than, say, three or four decades. This is, after all, New England.

Ha ha, Smartypants!

Computer Bags

Has anyone done biz with this here operation? I’ve been looking for a nice-looking bag that will hold my laptop without breaking the straps and am realizing that I’m going to have to purchase a special computer tote, ’cause they just don’t stitch like they used to.

Clark and Mayfield is the first designer I’ve seen that is in my price range and looks kind of cute. I am trying to stay away from brown and black since everyone in the world carries a brown or black bag and I don’t want mine to get confused with anyone else’s on campus, at collegial gatherings or at airport security.

What do you think of this? It’s a wee bit pukey in the photo but experience tells me that it will be a darker moss/sage color in person.

What do you use for a computer tote? Do ya love it? Would you recommend it? I mean, not right now, because you’re in church, but I mean, in general?

I am so tired from staying up watching the World Series that it’s going to take a double dose of caffeine and the Holy Spirit to get me through the service this morning. Holy Mary, pray for us now and in the hour of our baseball.

Mask Face And Other Cosmetic Crimes

There seems to be a bit of an epidemic of Cakey Face going on in Hollywood that has PeaceBang quite disturbed. After all, when the gorgeous, radiant likes of Heidi Klum and Emmy Rossum start to look like drag queens, we have a problem. In those two cases specifically, the problem seems to be opaque foundation that, rather than improving the look of the skin, obliterates it; matte red lipstick that sits on the top of the lips like wax; and horrible spiky false eyelashes with white eyeshadow and thick liquid liner. Eeek! It’s too early for Halloween! Heidi and Emmy, fire your stylists and be dewy again!

Remember, darlings, make-up applied badly or overly-muchly can age us terribly, erase our features and distract from our faces.
Blend, blend, blend!

Your Black Tie Options

Pumpkins, just got this inquiry:

I’m sorry we didn’t connect at GA…but I have a perfect “beauty tip for ministers conundrum.” I will be offering the before dinner prayer and a benediction at a black tie gala in December. Yes, lucky me. But, I need something to wear. Evening dresses all either look too bare or too mother of the bride. I’d like to look stylish and chic, but still appropriately ministerial. Advice welcome!

And you shall HAVE it, then, honored lady!

Now let’s face it: ministers are not black-tie event people, not really. We’re simply not wealthy enough to get invited to these things as guests to be feted and fawned over so that we’ll write a big check to the hosting organization or persons. When we get invited to dine with Mr. and Mrs. Gottrocks, it’s because of our position, not our bank accounts. We’re there to lend clerical sobriety to the undertaking, to give the blessing and the benediction as though to insinuate that God is so on board with this occasion, we can at any moment expect five thousand-dollar bills to come fluttering down from heaven by way of confirmation. As an extra bonus for our presence we get to eat lots of shrimp horse-divorce and talk Theology 101 with the upper crust for hours (”You say you’re spiritual but not religious? Isn’t that fascinating. I’ve never heard that before; DO expound while I get another champagne cocktail!”). PeaceBang is always of two minds when receiving a swanky invite. Part of her can’t wait to dress up and be fancy for an evening while the other part of her groans and tries to climb into the cabinet under the kitchen sink (They Will Never Find Me Among The Clorox!).

All that being said, dear Ms. H., you don’t have to wear true black tie. You don’t have to wear one of those dreary Vaguely-Related-To-The-Mother-of-the-Bride get-ups and you certainly shouldn’t appear in anything like an evening gown (save that for when you’re somewhere fancy and fun and can do plunging decolletage and no one even knows you’re clergy). I recommend three options for your consideration:

1. A very expensive (by pastor’s standards), very gorgeous black suit with fabulous dressy pumps (even with a bit of bling factor). Carry a smashing clutch purse and wear the most elegant pearls you can beg, borrow or steal. Get your hair done. Splurge on a Chanel lipstick; you’ll feel rich. Wear a huge cocktail ring. The idea here is “I’m not trying to do actual black tie, I’m the PARSON, for God’s sake. But I am doing a bit of glam because I understand where I am.”

2. A very gorgeous, perfectly cut black jacket of some kind (I have one that was a pretty standard black blazer but I bought some smashing black jet buttons in Italy and had them sewn on, now the jacket is swellegant) and a long, very formal skirt and open-toed shoes. Some bling at the neck and ears, and you’re on.

3. If you would like to draw attention to yourself and your True Holiness, go in a plain black dress, an everyday jacket you would wear to church meetings, and scuffed Danskos. This communicates, “I’m not even trying to keep up with the Joneses here. I represent the Church and its values. So in an “up-yours” gesture of social defiance and judgment of all you materialistic sinners, I will sit here and eat your food and drink your cocktails and respond to this honor by looking like a frump.” You can tell how PeaceBang feels about that third option, can’t you, dears?

PeaceBang recommends that every one of us have some Appropriate For Black Tie articles ready to go in our closets and that we should not think of updating them more than every 5-10 years. They should be CLASSICS and very, very fine. This is the sort of thing you comb the sale racks for in search of gems and you buy them when you find them.

For years I wore a violently pink, beautiful ankle length chiffon skirt (sounds hideous, but was really lovely) and my black Italian button jacket to fancy ‘dos. I haven’t been to anything that dressy for a long time and I’m not sure what I would wear if I got an invitation. Probably a black suit with my old stand-by sequined black shell, a huge cocktail ring, glam make-up and I’d go pick up a pair of hideously painful and gorgeous heels from DSW Shoe Warehouse. So you’ve reminded me, Deb, to keep my eye out for a dressy skirt or a pair of really nice, crepe slacks. In dress wear, you can’t fake it. Fabrics, cut and fit are everything. Some things that are inappropriate for black tie events (for women): sensible shoes, Timex wristwatches (leave it off if you don’t have a dressy watch), cotton anything, floral prints, knee-length skirts (although a knee-length LBD is fine if you’re gaminesque), business separates. Think taffeta, think dupioni silk, think bugle beads, think impeccably done hair and make-up, think manicure with short, wine red nails. Think clutch bag (NOT shoulder bag!!), think cashmere wrap or dressy shawl rather than coat.
Gentlemen: if you don’t have a smashing black suit that fits you like a dream and you don’t wear clericals, just rent a tux. Seriously. Then work it and make it yours.