Beauty Tips for Ministers

Funny Article For The Cosmetically-Interested

Thanks to alert reader Michael Tino for recommending this hilarious Ny Times article, “No, I Haven’t Been Mugged, Why Do You Ask?” about the perils of autumn make-up as pedaled by the cosmetics companies.

The article shows what a racket the industry is, but also points out how much fun the adventure of changing one’s look can be.

Enjoie!

Product Reviews: Liquid Eyeliner and Stick Make-Up

Suppose you don’t want to wear a whole face of make-up, but would like to even out red or blotchy spots before you head out the door. This is my own preference, as I tend to look way too pale with a whole face of any kind of make-up, especially Bare Escentuals (darn it, too, because I really like that stuff). I wear full make-up on Sundays and when my skin looks particularly dull and awful, but otherwise I try to keep it minimal.

I was therefore very pleased to find Mac Studio Stick SPF 15, a great product that I apply in four swipes across my face:
1. to even out red next to my nose
2. center of chin
3. between the eyebrows where it can get blotchy

I blend it out with a medium-sized make-up brush and I’m good to go.

This product comes in a whole slew of shades, so you’re bound to find one that matches you perfectly. And it stays on, making it worth the price in my book.
(Please remember, ladies and gents, that SPF 15 in your make-up hardly offers any protection from UVA/UVB rays, and wear an actual SPF product every day, typically as a moisturizer or however you work it.)

Second, we have Maybelline’s Waterproof Liquid Eyeliner…

…a great buy for less than $6. Liquid eyeliner is a dramatic look and not for everyone, but I rely on it for days I’ll be gone for many hours and won’t have time to reapply, blend and mess with regular pencil eyeliner.
I own liquid eyeliner in black, brown and blue, using brown on typical days (black can be too harsh, and you don’t want to wind up looking like Amy Winehouse). Blue is definitely not for beginners, as it can make you look like an 8th grader who just got her first amateur make-over for the Homecoming Dance (”ohmigod, Ginny, this blue eyeliner will make you look so totally hot and it will totally match your dress!!”).

The Maybelline waterproof liner has been a blessing these past humid summer Sundays when I would spend all day going from church service to church service, clapping, praying, singing my heart out, and sweating. I constantly feared a Tammy Faye Bakker (of blessed memory) situation, but this Maybelline stuff doesn’t budge no matter how damp I get. They apparently make an even MORE waterproof liquid eyeliner but unless you’re in Esther Williams’ line of work, I don’t think you need it.

And speaking of Miss Esther Williams (also of blessed memory), wouldn’t you just LOVE to know how the heck they kept her looking so gorgeous, take after take, underwater? How come she never looks all pruney and bedraggled? She just swims toward the camera with shiny red lipstick and a big beautiful smile. What a Hollywood goddess. Honestly. Now I want to go watch “Neptune’s Daughter.”

Michael Thanks Thee!

Hey gang,

Michael writes to say,

“I don’t think I’d have had the courage to order shoes from a brand I’d never tried on from a website I’d never used if it hadn’t been for BTFM. And now I have comfy, stylish shoes for my first day in the new pulpit!”

Thanks to all you fellers who wrote in with tips for brand-newbie minister Michael, giving him more options than he would otherwise have had.

Mazel tov, Michael! Let us know how your debut in the pulpit goes!

Some Really Bad Hair

Dear ones, it’s not that I don’t trust you.

Really. I swear.

It’s just that… well, we’re ALL impressionable. And when you see fashion icon Sienna Miller looking like this on the cover of Vogue,

isn’t it tempting to say to yourself, “Hey! That looks like a really easy hair ‘do! And if it’s on the cover of a major fashion magazine, I bet it’s totally acceptable, too!”

Except that it’s really not. It’s bad enough that who(m)ever did Sienna’s make-up committed serious eyebrow pencil abuse upon her, but that Home of the Whopper mess on the top of her head is a sheer disaster.

I won’t even mention the feathers.

Avert your eyes, my doves. Don’t try this at home. Or, God forbid, church.

(Thanks to the Go Fug Yourselves girls for the photo.)

Hate The Sin, Love The Sinner

Thanks to P. for alerting me to this hilarious blog.

It might lift your spirits on a bad day. You can think to yourself, “No matter how mediocre this outfit is, at least I’m not being featured on Ugly Outfits NYC.”

But ack, check out those atrocious umbrellas? Remember when I told you that umbrellas can be a (Jersey accent) classy accessory? F’real!

No More Shorts and Flip-Flops: Back To School Check-list

It’s late August and time to make appointments to cut and color the hair and to put on some nails, which are all chawed down. I must admit that I’ve enjoyed chewing them with impunity all summer. But they look cruddy, so it’s back to Lee the Magical Manicurist!

I’m wearing real shoes today to get my feet prepared for the big transition from free toes to enclosed tootsies. The prison door closes in! (Although it’s absolutely fine to wear dressy open-toed sandals or shoes for the office for as long as you can stand it weather-wise).

Time to shake out and re-fold all the sweaters, look to make sure I have enough pantyhose and tights and socks and undies so I don’t have to waste time shopping for them in the busy season coming up. Time to check the shampoo and soap and paper supplies and lay in enough of all the basics to get me through January, at least. Time to reorganize cosmetics and jewelry cases to make morning get-ready time easier.

In the closet:

1. What needs to be given away?
Things that really don’t fit — either too big or too snug.
Things that I hate and that depress me to wear even if they fit and were good bargains.
Things that for one reason or another I just don’t ever wear. Someone else can get better use of them.
Shoes that don’t get worn, bags that aren’t used but are still in good condition.

2. What needs to be ripped up for the rag pile or thrown out?
Stained tee-shirts.
Super ratty pajamas.
Holy hose.
Faded and shrunken work-out clothing.
Socks that fall down around my ankles.
Black cotton shirts that are fading in weird patchy blotches.
Anything with an infinitesimal bleach or grease stain on it. You know someone with eagle eyes will spot that sucker.
Blouses with hopelessly frayed button holes.

3. What needs to be saved for the church fair?
Pretty jewelry that someone else might like but that I never wear for one reason or another.
Purses and totes.

4. What needs to be weeded out for the “I love this garment but I need to lose 10 lbs. before wearing it again” section of the guest bedroom closet? There are always a few items!

5. Do I feel good about my wardrobe staples? Does anything need to be replenished, repaired or cleaned?These include:

Black pants
Dark denim jeans
White blouse(s)

A store of blazers, including black, pin-striped, blue, and white (until mid-September or so, or whenever it stops being hot. Yes, you can wear white after Labor Day now but not with light florals or anything else summery. Wear it as a neutral and make it transitional).

A few blouses with “wow” factor to wear under blazers (interesting style, great colors/fabrics).
Cardigans. I just noticed that my favorite black cardy has a frayed collar. It gets a ton of wear; I need to replace it.
A good selection of tee-shirts in long, short sleeves and sleeveless. Some dressy. Most very tailored in spandex/cotton blend. White, black, bright pink, baby pink, and aqua (transitional under blazers before I bring out the autumnal blouses).
Black mid-length skirt.
Brown mid-length skirt.
Favorite church skirts (on which I need to fix a few hook-and-eye closures).
Boots, both with heels and flats.
Black pumps - mid-heel and high heel.
Brown pumps.
Belts and necklaces and a few pieces with “freshness” factor (ie, in style this season).
A good bag.
Properly fitted undergarments including a waist-cincher for formal events when it’s important to have excellent posture and smooth lines (I didn’t say slim lines, I said smooth lines. As in, not jiggling.)

One pair of shoes that I can look at when I have no idea what to wear and say, “Let’s start with these fabulous shoes that will give me the inspiration to get out there and be present to this day.”
Because, I mean, sometimes you can pray and exercise and have a healthy breakfast and feel very ready to do the Lord’s bidding but you just don’t know WHAT to wear. And when that happens, you’ve got that one pair of shoes that says to you, “Baby, you wear me and I promise that together we can totally bring about the Kingdom of Heaven.” You start with the shoes, the rest of the outfit falls into place.

Time to stock the office drawer with wintergreen Life Savers, tissues, lip gloss and hand sanitizer.

Time to send any broken jewelry to get repaired, and to put new batteries in the watch (also to check the batteries in the smoke detectors in the house).

Time to eyeball the scarf/gloves/winter coat situation to make sure I’m ready in case the cold hits early.

The key here, possums, is that you don’t want to be surprised some Sunday afternoon realizing you have an ordination to attend and not one pair of decent shoes or one elegant-enough headband that will carry you through that awkward growing-out-your-bangs stage. Please, my darlings, don’t do what I saw one young minister do and plunk your hair on the top of your head with a cheap plastic clip. Aieee! With a formal velvet-trimmed pulpit robe, no less!

And hey, there’s nothing wrong or vain about taking polaroid or digital snaps of a few tried-and-true outfits –everything from shoes to earrings– and keeping them in the closet. When you get as busy as we do, that resource can be a real time-saver. You can put together six great Sunday morning outfits, two great special event outfits, and three or four “what to wear to the office today?” outfits. Why not? I think I may try it myself this year. I’ll let you know how it goes.

And don’t forget to shine up yer shoes, kids.