Beauty Tips for Ministers

Loving On You

Hi friends,

I’m on the run these days, teaching a three-hour summer intensive every day at a local seminary (a 45 minute drive each way), closing out the church year, doing all manner of pastoral ministry. Trying to start the days with a smoothie (with Barleans Flax Seed oil) instead of two slices of toast heavily slathered with creme cheese and salmon.

I have received beautiful gifts from three of you — packages that I opened while in an exhausted haze after returning from Nashville and fell asleep with on my bed (how’s that for a mental image? PeaceBang with Barbara Kingsolver and Tim Gunn and a little black-capped chickadee picture with a quote that made me cry next to her).
These gifts are lovely — I’m sure I’ll write a review of Tim Gunn’s book as soon as I get a chance, and Barbara Kingsolver’s book is so riveting I can’t put it down, dammit!

So this just to say that I’m thinking of you, and of all of us, and may not get to say more than that for a bit.

Who said that Mad Priest was having a hot fashion controversy and needed my help? Is that true? Even though the Mad Priest gang mercilessly chucked on me awhile back, I am THERE FOR THEM in Christian love and lipgloss.

Just not for a few days.

Sarah and Cindyreally and … lovely New Jersey woman whose name is at my office … you’re sweet as can be, and I send you a special kiss of peace and gratitude.

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Three-Quarter Length Sleeves

PeaceBang is a short, chunky gal with short, chunky arms and will not be seen in public in anything sleeveless (and neither should you be, clergygals — not when you’re on duty, anyway). I inevitably have to get the arms of blazers and jackets shortened and therefore tend to jump for joy when I find three-quarter length sleeve blouses. They are terrific-o!

However, I have noticed one thing: when I stand with my arms at my sides with a sleeve that ends right at my waist, and the sleeves wing out a bit (as they tend to do when the bouse is cotton and the cuff is wide), I manage to add another 10″ or so to my waist line. Oh happy day! Just what I need!

Not that this will keep me from wearing three-quarter length sleeved blouses, mind you, but it certainly will keep me from being photographed in one, unless I can do something creative with my arms (raise them up in a fetching “hallelujah” pose, maybe? Weeping all the while, like Tammye Faye?). Just a tiny vanity tip from Yours Truly, pigeons.

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Collapsable High Heeled Shoes

Oh my goodness, what will they think of next?

Thanks to PP for the tip.

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Festival of Homiletics: Krispy Kreme Kommunion?

Briefly, briefly from PeaceBang’s observations of 1,680 preacher conferees in Nashville:

• We have to talk about weight. PeaceBang is quite serious about this. She saw dozens of people who were in the 300+ pound range, and when Grace Imathiu announced that there would be Krispy Kremes at the break and a sigh went up as though she had announced that Jesus Himself would be handing them out, PeaceBang knew we Had To Talk about our eating situation. We really do. Especially because PeaceBang couldn’t help but notice that every single one of the main speakers was fit and trim (well, Jim Wallis is a bit hefty, but he was the exception) and what does that say about the body-spirit connection? It certainly doesn’t say that if you’re chunky or fat you can’t be a fantastic preacher, but it says something. And when PeaceBang figures out what that something is, she is going to invite us all into a conversation about it, so stay tuned.
• Scraggly facial hair. Gentlemen, super-casual clothes are fine because we were all pretty much on retreat, but I’m guessing that you didn’t all go home and fire up the Norelco Nose Hair Trimmer and beard clippers. Now that you’ve gotten home safe and sound, could you please get after those gorilla hairs that have taken over your neck and ears?
• Dudes with HAIR PARTED IN THE MIDDLE. PeaceBang is speechless. It didn’t work on Scott Baio in 1978 and it doesn’t work today. Okay, maybe it did work on Scott Baio. And Erik Estrada. But darling fellas, it doesn’t work on you, especially when you’re strawberry blonde with a sunburned scalp.
• Ladies with the big ole toes hanging over the front of your sandals, a tip: our feet all slide forward when we walk. Also, leather stretches. Keep this in mind when purchasing sandals and try to keep the little piggies in their pen. I’m trying to be cute about this but really, it’s just basic grooming. Because, yuck.
• Filthy knapsacks: again, I know we were all pretty much on retreat and there’s no need to go about with especially fashionable or professional bags, but could we stop dragging around filthy, beat-up knapsacks as though we’re in the sixth grade? Even a clean tote would be better than that.

But aw, overall everyone was so happy to be there I couldn’t really fault them for being messy. I did see a profusion of ankle-length denim jumpers — even some with SOCKS and LOAFERS — but I was honestly just feeling too tenderly toward my hard-working, hard-laughing, spirit-seeking colleagues to cast a very critical eye. Bless all our hearts, and especially those arteries. And Lord, preserve us from Krispy Kremes and other false idols. Amen.

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What To Wear To A Full-Immersion Baptism

I met this lovely woman, the Reverend Angela Dionne Madden, at the Festival of Homiletics. What you can’t really see in the photo is how much she looks like a young Liz Taylor:

After we talked about shoes and other fun items (like how cute is that bag?), Angela asked me if I had any thoughts about what she might wear for a full-immersion baptism that she would be doing today.

Of course, it being PENTECOST (Holy Ghost power! Holy Ghost power!), we both thought she should wear a flaming red dress, but I’m not sure that was among her options. So I recommended that she wear a cotton top and skirt — heavy enough material that she could pull it away from her body after coming out of the water and it wouldn’t cling too much, wouldn’t be sheer, and could breathe and dry quickly. She said she’d be wearing waders, which is a good idea for anyone who’s taking a new Christian into the Jordan and doesn’t want to wind up getting sucked into the mud. Nothing ruins a beautiful baptism so quickly as a pastor flailing their arms for help and sinking quickly from view. Although…. what a way to go, huh?

Speaking of which, I was just chatting with our town funeral director — who has become very dear over the years — who told me about a woman who died on the massage table. “That’s how I want to go!” I said. Just an aside, darlings, be good to your funeral directors. If you’re a small-town pastor, you can learn where all the bodies are buried from your local FD, and I mean that literally as well as metaphorically.

So ANYhoo, we talked about what Angela might wear — including various alb options — and what I really loved the best was when her friend Julia and I got to practice dipping her back, because we wanted to show her that she really was going to get quite wet. The thing is, baptizing preachers, make sure to really bend at the knee as you dip your new Christian backward or you’ll strain your back. As a Unitarian who sprinkles babies and children with just a teaspoon or so of water as they are blessed, named and welcomed into our covenant, I have no real-life experience with that sort of thing, but it was really tender working it out with Pastor Angela and being a little part of the blessing she would help God bestow today upon some folks in Pratt, Kansas.

So Angela, I’m thinking of you and hoping that you had a beautiful baptism.

And all the rest of you, if you have a hankering to run around praising the Lord and speaking in tongues, well today is your day. You go for it, and let the rest of us more cautious, less-Pentecostal types know how it went.

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Preliminary Report from Nashville

Hola, friends!

PeaceBang got home from Nashville at 1:15 AM with extremely burning and bleary eyes and a whoppah of a head cold. She doesn’t have time or energy right now to speak at length about the Festival of Homiletics, but she just wants to send one personal message to the young male clergydude who was wearing a tie-dye teeshirt in the most garish shades of orange and blue, shorts and bright orange Crocs:

Sweetheart, Jesus wants you for a sunbeam, not an acid trip.

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