Beauty Tips for Ministers

So Then I Said (Part IV In A Series)

[This is how I last responded to Rev. Bluejeans:]

“Oh man, I should really be cleaning my office, but this is so great!
I wondered if you were a southern guy with roots in Appalachia, and it’s nice to know that I was right. Not that it matters, but I think it makes it easier for us to talk.

I totally hear you on the whole first part of your post. You’re not dressing down to “get with the peeps” but because it’s more comfortable and you think neckties are nooses for men. Okay, but that wasn’t your first argument to me.Your first argument wasn’t based on that kind of Thoreauvian, “beware any enterprise that requires new clothes” philosophy at all, but was a rather clear statement that you dress casually as a visible sign of your commitment to liberationist theology.

To which I responded, basically, “Oh come on, middle class guy! Your wearing jeans does not make you closer to the poor! If you want to be in real solidarity with those who suffer poverty, take vows of poverty and walk the walk.” I mean, we both know that Christian life certainly provides an easy opportunity for either of us to take up the Cross in that particular way.

But now the conversation has changed course. You say that it isn’t so much dressing up for church or ministry that’s the problem (because of your desire to remain approachable to less privileged folks), it’s clothes themselves that are the problem. You don’t like them, you see them as tools of oppression. You don’t want to have to wiggle into a suit and tie.I get that.

And to that, I would say Yes, yes, yes. Sure. I don’t love heels, either. However, I don’t see clothes as the problem — I see the attitudes that we take on with our choice of clothing and grooming as the bigger problem.

I see a lot of clergy people claiming that dressing like a slob makes them more approachable when actually, it makes them more ‘approachable’ only to those it’s more spiritually glamorous to respond to. That’s what I find disingenuous, lazy, inauthentic and pretentious — and it’s not good or loving ministry. I’m glad you’re not succumbing to that particular sin. I think it’s sheer B.S., and again, I point to the example of the Black Civil Rights activists as my example of how to dress for a revolution.

(Yes, I believe I did just coin that expression, ’spiritually glamorous’)

I guess my final point, though, is to say that throughout all of human history, human beings have adorned themselves in their finest garb to meet the sacred moments of their lives, and I dig that. No matter how limited their means, humans in all cultures have contrived to come before their God in as beautiful condition as possible, saving sackcloth and ashes for times of penitence and grief.

To me, dressing well (at whatever cost, whether $30 or $300) says, ‘This is the day the Lord hath made, let us rejoice and be glad in it.’ In other words, by dressing beautifully (especially on the Sabbath), we are arraying ourselves not just in finery, but in hope, in gratitude, in dignity, and in respect. When I put care and intention into my dressing in the morning, it is a way of thanking God for this life and for this vehicle that I will adorn with care before going out to do God’s work in the world.

I think that you get dressed in the morning with a very different attitude. I am guessing that you get dressed in the morning thinking, ‘How can I dress today so as to seem brother and kin to every human being that walks this Earth, no matter how humble his or her means?’I think that’s a beautiful Christian sentiment, I just don’t think it works as a public message about ministry. Certainly it doesn’t work for some of the elder ladies in your congregation.

I suggest that just as clergy should be bi or tri-lingual verbally, so should we be sartorially flexible. Obviously, I wouldn’t go work at a shelter in a suit and heels, but I might go in a sweater and nice jeans. On the other hand, I wouldn’t go on a hospital visit in shorts and a t-shirt, because that would communicate something I don’t want to communicate to a respected elder. And I wouldn’t preach barefoot ‘just to make a point,’ because I think the only ‘point’ one can make by preaching barefoot is ‘I know how to take off my shoes.’

If Adam and Eve had had Prada and Armani to wear in that first moment they realized that they were conscious, that they had consciences, that they were responsible for their choices, and they lived in God’s world, I think they would have decked themselves out in it. That fig leaf was their way of saying, ‘Whoa, we get it. We have just been made aware of who we are and Whose we are. We’d better get dressed up.’

Cheers again!PB”

And Then He Wrote Back… (Part V Of A Series)

[In the next exchange with young Rev. Bluejeans, he sez to me:]

“OK, I lied. I couldn’t concentrate on anything else until I responded for real, so I got myself a diet coke, and here we go:Again our views of human nature diverge.

It’s fascinating to frame this debate in the mythology of Eden; the fig leaf as the first fashion move is brilliant. You and I should co-author a book on this, seriously. We could title it “Spiritually Glamorous.” Anyway, you point to A&E’s first fig-leaf-accessorizing as the moment when humans had been “made aware of who we are and Whose we are,” and that this caused them to decide,” “we’d better get dressed up.”

This is, I would think, a very optimistic picture of the Garden, and one that I am not at all inclined to imagine. Perhaps it’s the weight of 30 centuries of Judeo-Christian interpretation, but I’m much more inclined to see the fig leaf as an implicit rejection of body and self in favor of a facade, a veneer, which takes the reality of human existence and hides it behind prettiness. I wholeheartedly agree that the fig leaf is a seminal moment in human fashion history. I just don’t think it was a good thing. And that’s why we should co-author a book.

You’re moving into more familiar ground with your “this is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it” motivation for dressing up. Here in the South, this is the express argument for dressing nicely 98% of the time. We once had a dress-down day at the church, because we were having a picnic outside right after the service. A man in the church wore a tie, and was getting a fair amount of teasing about it (not from me). He said, with a great deal of dignity, “it’s a sad day when you can’t wear a tie in the house of the Lord.” His point, and yours I think, is that church is a place which is worthy of our respect, and that respect is effectively shown through proper dress and decorum.

I don’t buy it.

The entire thrust of the life and teachings of Jesus–the entire thrust–is away from religiosity and toward an interior life of faith. That is, Jesus shunned external displays of piety: praying out loud, being obvious with your gifts to the temple, bragging about your lawkeeping. He embraced a certain humility. I don’t know how accurate the movies are about his clothing, but I do know he wore sandals (it’s in the bible, of course), and whatever he wore was low-key enough that fit in just fine with lepers, prostitutes, and a ragtag bunch of fishermen from the Galilee. And then there’s that whole “life is more than food, the body more than clothes…consider the lilies of the field” thing.

So I don’t see a tie as a sign of respect for God. But I also don’t see God as the sort of God who goes around needing signs of our respect, either. At the end of John, Jesus doesn’t say “if you love me, wear Armani.” It’s all about feeding the sheep.

Alas…I’m out of time.”

***

Here’s PeaceBang again, ladies and gentlemen.

Let me respond with a few more words to him and to you.

First of all, it’s so funny that I was going to use the overly-pious thing with HIM but then I didn’t, and he went ahead and used it on ME! Because to me, dressing all humble when you have the means to afford perfectly swell clothes is an expression of false piety — but my correspondent there is saying that dressing UP is an expression of false piety.

There you have it: perfect evidence of how two smart ministers interpret the same exact teachings of our Master.

The other thing I want to say is that my faithful correspondent and I have two absolutely differing ideas about veneers and prettiness. To him, hiding behind the fig leaf was an original act of falsifying reality (i.e., laying a pretty exterior over a sinful, disobedient, suffering interior).

But to me, that fig leaf says, “Well, damn, we got thrown out of Paradise but honey, we can still look FABULOUS. I mean, we lost Paradise but we got the planet! Let’s work it!” In other words, it’s not so much a rejection of body and self to me (although my correspondent gets the traditional Christian interpretation points there, certainly) as it is a brave little move to adorn the self out of recognition of blessing within the midst of existential loss. That is so Matthew Fox of me, now that I think about it.

I thank my correspondent again for this really terrific exchange — he and I probably should co-author a book — a sort of North-meets-South exchange on religion and fashion — just because I like him so much, he gets to be the Rev. JeansBang!

As for the rest of you, you big smartypants heads, you’ve gone ahead and contributed more provocative and important insights to this conversation, proving once again that Beauty Tips For Ministers just seems to be mere fluff, when we all know that we can get all brilliant and deep at the drop of a fig leaf.

Which is why I love ya’ll.

We Have Been Un-NERVED

Readers! Readers!

We got a mention on Nerve.com “Scanner” section last week, which is devoted to blurbs on weird, funny or notable internet news!!!

OOOH BOY!

http://www.nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e5896#5896

I hope you’ll leave a comment! And don’t you LOVE that naughty photo? It’s just ridiculous!

NYC Fashion & SisterBang’s Picks

Fashion-clueless readers, you can do nothing better for yourself than to get to NYC for a day and simply people-watch in Midtown. I saw beautiful woman after beautiful woman, and I was just in gasping admiration all day.
And believe me, we’re not talking richy-rich chic and glam here. We’re talking attention to shape, great shoes, great colors, and a confident stride. But again I must emphasize SHAPE, SHAPE, SHAPE.

I saw loads of crisp, fitted white blouses with cotton skirts. I saw hundreds of pairs of flattering trousers. I saw NO skirts below the knee, and dozens of lovely, professional skirts at or slightly below or above the knee. I saw sweater sets in whimsical colors set over elegant trousers and pointy toed shoes. I saw ensembles consisting entirely of gorgeous, complimentary neutral shades. I saw many dramatic strands of beads and cotton-silk t-shirts on men and women. I saw men in suede loafers and French blue shirts, with great haircuts.

Shape, shape, shape. Get the latest issue of In Style and study it for shape and proportion.

SisterBang and I were walking in Times Square today and got sucked right into the new Korean cosmetics store, Missha. Couldn’t be more darling, inexpensive, banging hip hop music playing, helpful salesgirls, and lots of freebies:

http://newyorkmetro.com/nymetro/shopping/columns/storeopenings/11987/

LOVED it!

I’ll let you know as soon as we’ve tested some products.

Meanwhile, back in CT…

SisterBang recommends:

>Tarte cheek stain in True Love
>Tarte Indelible Wink Eyeshadow/Liner (we did a fabulous smokey rock n’ roll eye on her with this amazing product! I tried to buy one for myself but they were all out, and I’m not a bit surprised)
>Ponds Radiance Restored Age-Defying Skin Brightening SPF 15 Moisturizer
>Neutrogena Visibly Firm Face Lotion SPF 20

PeaceBang Takes One In The Eye

Oh darlings,
PeaceBang has taken a bullet for you.

She has just returned from the Big Dirty Apple and is now safely ensconced at SisterBang’s boho chic Connecticut flat after having had a terrible experience at Sephora, Beauty Mecca, in Times Square. Quelle horror, readers!

It happened like this. There I was, sampling products, spraying myself with perfumes galore, and investigating all manner of things for you. I bought some yummy mint body wash by Philosophy, some cover-up by Lorac, a night cream by an organic line whose name I have forgotten, and a coppery brown liquid liner. I was happy, and so innocent. I was like Adam and Eve before the expulsion from Eden, darlings.

I got to the mascara section and became very skeptical of the various claims to lengthen, fatten and dramatically extend my lashes for under $15 (I blame Liorndsay Lohan for this nonsense, for La Lohan has proclaimed that she won’t leave the HOUSE without lash extensions).
I asked one of the Sephora clerks about a particular product that promised to make me a veritable Bambi. I asked, “Does this really work? I mean, even half as amazingly as they say?” “Try it,” saith he, and directed me to a clean mascara wand and a mirror.

Cheres readers, I thought I was being hygenic, dipping a new wand into their tester. WHAT A FOOL!!

Not only did the product just NOT WORK, but within twelve hours PeaceBang had the biggest sty imaginable on her eye. She had contracted a Cosmetically Transmitted Disease!!

PeaceBang is here to tell you never, ever, ever to use the testers at cosmetics counters. She is here to tell you that NO girl can feel at her most beautiful best with a throbbing pink eyelid and swollen undereye area.

Repeat with me, brothers and sisters, PeaceBang’s Pledge: “Test on the hands not on the face!”

(P.S. My Ex was gracious enough not to notice my hideously swollen visage today. This is one of the reasons we still love him after 21 years, aside from the fact that he writes and directs a heck of a good show:
http://www.theatermania.com/content/show.cfm/show/124048)

A Sense Of Whimsy, And Funking It Up

Juliana, a lovely gnostic, wrote all about this blog (and me) here:

http://charisophia.blogspot.com/

First of all, I misread the name of her blog and initially thought it was “charisphobia,” which I thought was FANTASTIC. I thought, Hey, how many of us are terrified of the gifts of the Spirit? That’s so genius!

But it’s not charisphobia, but charisophia, which is an entirely different thing, and lovely in it’s own way. But I’m definitely using “charisphobia” as a sermon title or something.

That said, I think it’s hilarious that Juliana thinks I should be a gnostic — whose job prospects are probably even slimmer than trying to make a living in the Unitarian Universalist religious leadership — and whose movement is possibly even nuttier and more impossible to get a grip on than my own crazy, nutty movement.

And I think it’s sweet that she thinks I’m trying too hard and trying to convert the unconvertible.

I told you, I’m a soldier in the Army of the Lord! I will not tire! No trying is too hard for PeaceBang! She is the ultimate Stage Mother of all clergypersons and wants all her babies to be STARS! Do you hear me? STARS!

However, Juliana seems to think that I am seriously recommending that my darling readers go out and buy suits and stick a silk flower and triple strand of pearls on them by way of accessorizing. That’s frightening, because I probably did say that, and I probably forgot to say at the same time that we should only use such classic accessories if they come with a bit of funk — or if we’re accessorizing an outfit that has a bit of funk and flair, and pairing it all with fabulous, slightly whimsical shoes (like something decidedly vintage looking with an ankle strap or a stacked heel and a peep toe).

What I mean by “funk” and “flair” is rather hard to describe, but an absolutely essential aspect of developing your own personal look. In most cases — unless you’re a veritable fashion genius who can blaze your own trails — having flair requires keeping an eye on fashion trends. For example, if you’re going to wear a Victorian lace blouse and a classic blazer, pair it with a pair of dark denim jeans and cowboy boots. If you’re going to wear a silk flower, make sure it’s big and colorful and that you’re not sticking it on a dowdy, boxy suit that makes you look like a big, walking square of fabric. Put it on a cropped jacket and pair it with a slim-cut skirt (tulip or trumpet shaped) with great pumps.

Don’t fret, pigeons. I know this is too much detail for those of you who are taking the first or even second baby steps toward an updated look, but for those of you who generally understand the importance of cut, line and proportion, and who are more into fashion than the average minister, you’re right there with me.

Meanwhile, trust me when I tell you that changing your accessories to reflect current fashions is one of the least expensive and risky ways to look current and with it. If the rest of your wardrobe fits impeccably and is fairly classic, you can add a wide belt, lots of beads, and a pair of wedge heels this season and get a lot of flair for your buck.