Beauty Tips for Ministers

How I See You

Darling PeaceBangers,

This has got to stop.

I ran into another reader of this blog yesterday at a church in town and he confessed to me that he was feeling less than his stellar fashioning best in a polo shirt and chinos.
Now stop that!
Haven’t I told you that PeaceBang herself looks like a horizontal stack of meatballs pressed gamely into some outfit that she hopes communicates creative, with-it religous leader (or perhaps, “fun, cute dateable 40 year old babe”)? And that without the help of Max Factor, Origins, Shu Uemura and TIGI, she would just be a washed-out old broad?

You must understand that when PeaceBang sees you, she does not judge.
She scrutinizes you because in you, she sees a potential superstar and she considers herself your agent and stylist, wanting you to shine every time you walk down the red carpet of your life. PeaceBang is totally on your team, people. She thinks you’re adorable and beautiful as a child of God. She’s just a little bit of a Jewish mother, noodging you to get your hair out of your eyes already, stand up straight and smile big, why? Because, dahlink, you’re fabulous!

So get out there and be fabulous and when you run into PeaceBang, remember that she is 100% LOVING you!

(P.S. If you pull that polo out of the dryer faster it won’t get even one wrinkle in it. Kisses!!)

Various and Sundry: Bangs, Bags and "Idol"

Concerning Lisa Welchel’s hair in the photo below, her side-swept bangs are TOTALLY fashionable right now, and look good on every shape face!

I’m seeing an awful lot of bedraggled hair hanging limply over high, shiny foreheads, gals. Today I saw a Unitarian Universalist shopping for clothes who had at least three inches of grey roots, which made her look unfortunately striped. It was so not a good look. I identified her as a co-religionist because she was carrying, as a bag, one of those freebie give-away totes from a conference.

Do I really have to say that those bags are really not to be used as BAGS?
This is a bag:

(Nine West $29)

Okay, don’t get me started on that and on mullets.
I’m trying to go to bed early tonight. I’m still trying to get over that atrocious dress Katherine McPhee wore on “American Idol” tonight when she and Taylor positively butchered “I Had The Time of My Life.” Miss McPhee: (1) a lady doesn’t bounce and prance while wearing a satin gown with a train. (2) That color is from hunger.

Mandisa, girl, I feel for you in that shapeless red dress they put you in. Just be assured that you so commanded respect anyway.

Clothes Allowance

A ministerial friend and colleague told me today that when she left her first church, they gave her a gift of $1500 to go buy some new clothes.

Apparently they didn’t love her red Converse sneakers as a “look.”

She’s just as cute as can be and taught me this genius way of twisting your hair into a bun and then tucking it inside out so it looks like the most elegant chignon. See me at GA and I’ll teach you.

Anyway, I told her that when she’s 75 she can wear high tops all she wants because by then she’ll be established and it can just be an eccentric touch. She does have to wear great trousers and funky jackets to go with them, though, or whatever else is au courant.

In case you were wondering, you can TOTALLY give me $1500 to buy new clothes ANY TIME YOU WANT! I won’t be at ALL offended!

Scarf Abuse

Let us pray.

Dear and gracious God,

Hear our prayers for the ability to accessorize well.
Lead us not into vaguely shawl-like items in bad colors,
and keep us from faces tan enough to double as Italian leather handbags.

Help us to be ever lovely presences in the world,
doing your work with love and with good hair and make-up.

Amen.

P.S. Lisa Welchel looks really good, Lord. Is that because she became a totally born-again Christian?

The Middle Way

Male ministers tend to do two things: they either dress overly casually or they rely too much on a suit and tie.

I’d like to advocate for a middle way that isn’t quite as formal as a suit and not as awfully casual as the old flannel plaid and Dockers route.

First, a sports coat with a sweater underneath is a great look. It works with a casual pair of pants, and even with jeans (but nice jeans, guys!). You throw on some nice soft leather shoes (not sneakers) and you’re good to go.

The other option, much ignored among the liberal religious clergymen of my acquaintance, is the old chamois shirt look:

Don’t worry if you’re not as gorgeous as this model. No one is. However, I like his shirt: it’s got color, it’s warm and presentable for a day in the office, and it looks put together. I would trade the jeans for a pair of twill pants of some kind; you don’t want to seem too much like you’re going camping.

In general, I think male ministers have a lot more options in casual wear than they’re exercising. There are some really attractive, unstructured jackets out there in cottons and wools that can help you feel well-dressed without a suit. Many of them look nice with a tie, and since we’re speaking of ties, ya’ll need to update the tie collection, okay?
If the only tie you ever wear has either graduate school logos on it or is decorated by UNICEF children’s drawings, go shopping already, or ask for a new tie for Father’s Day.

It is my experience that hetero men are afraid that if they get too interested in fashion — you know, “oh my god, an unstructured jacket!? That’s outside the Accepted Straight Man Uniform category!” — people will think they’re gay.

Fellas, let me tell you something: when it comes to dressing and grooming, you could all use a little gay. Don’t fear the gay. The gay is good. The gay is about beauty and flair and an aesthetic sensibility. Embrace it and let the blessings flow.

Remember, no Hawaiian shirts. Ever.

Color Me Reverend

Men, you know that hymn that goes,

“Welcome, rejoice and come in…
today will be a joyful day!
Etc.
Don’t be afraid of some change,
don’t be afraid of some change,
today will be a joyful day,
welcome, rejoice and come in!”

You know what this guy is singing?

“Don’t be afraid of some color!
Don’t be afraid of some color!
Today will be a joyful day…!”

Really, though.
Why all the grey, blue, black and brown? Why, for the Love of God, all the plaid flannel?

Isn’t this lovely, yummy, handsome and welcoming? Don’t you feel cheery just being around some color?
Doesn’t that pink inspire confidence and faith in you? It does in me.

And you know this is not my way of saying that it’s okay to wear ugly pastel golf shirts or Hawaiian shirts. Or madras shorts, either, for that matter.