Beauty Tips for Ministers

On Caftans and Muumuus

Here is the most elegant and beautiful Isabella Rossellini, ya’ll, who has gotten quite voluptuous in her dotage. Look at her. She’s all beaming and round-faced because she’s not really modeling any more and she’s eating butter and drinking Merseault in places like Gstaad and Biarritz. She’s Isabella Rossellini. She doesn’t care if she’s got avoirdupois. She is eternally gorgeous.

There’s a lot that works here: the big smile, the classic red lips, the colorful beads, the creative, flowing garb.

Unfortunately, there’s a lot more that doesn’t work here:
the hideous color of the caftan (she can sort of get away with it but I doubt you can, and I certainly can’t), the hacked-at hair with no movement and no shine or discernible style to it, the sneakers (ack! sneakers!?). And it’s too bad she’s dragging around that white bedspread; she looks like a first-grader heading to her first sleepover.

The caftan, ideal for hiding a multitude of sins, should ideally be about mid-thigh, and she should have beautifully flowing pants on underneath, and maybe a boot with a heel. Unless she’s been on a flight all day, in which case the dressed up sneakers might be temporarily forgiveable.

I understand that the caftan is a traditional Indian garment, or at least I think it is. And I respect that. However, she still looks like she’s swimming in it and it’s just not flattering.

The way to redeem this look would be to do something with the hair (like grow it to balance out the chipmunk cheeks), cut about half the caftan off, put on a more appropriate shoe, and stay away from mustard yellow.

She’d still do a lot better if she wore a fitted jacket or tunic and created the funky ethnic look she seems to be after with lots and lots of beads and a turban. She could absolutely tear it up in a turban.

If you want to see a really cute caftan look, check out Gwen Stefani at nine months pregnant (and I’m referring to the far left photo in particular):

Thanks to Go Fug Yourself for the photo.

Summer Legs and Summer L’eggs

This could have been good news, but it’s not:

http://www.onehanesplace.com/webapp/commerce/command/ProductDisplay?prrfnbr=1600263175

I was trying to find a summer sheer pantyhose for you but all I could find was a product by L’eggs that seems to be mostly defunct.

Summer L’eggs looks great, but not if you can only buy it in white, off-white and a truly grotesque color called “clay.”

I can’t think of one skin tone that would benefit from a sheer wash of white, off-white or clay (which they might as well have gone and named “ashy” or “zombie”).

There’s only one color hose to wear this season, my lambs, and it is NUDE.
You can wear a very sheer pearly off-white IF you’re the Mother of the Bride, but trust me, it’s all about a neutral tone that matches your skin.

NUDE, NUDE, NUDE. SHEER, SHEER, SHEER.

Save the off-black for the autumn. In case you haven’t noticed, legs are very bare this season (as they have been for the past several years since year-round tanning became so fashionable). They are not pasty white, they are not scaly and dry, they are not clad in cute, textured hose (unless you’re under 30, have great gams and are wearing a wonderful skirt and heels), and they are not hairy. I’m sorry, but if they’re visible, they are NOT HAIRY.

You can bar me from the Feminist Club all you want, but I don’t care. My smooth legs and I will be dancing the light fantastic somewhere way more fun.

Haven’t we all seen enough of this type of thing b…

Haven’t we all seen enough of this type of thing by now?

Summer Ministry Garb And Fake Tans

C. writes asking what to wear when leading worship in un-air-conditioned sanctuary over the summer. She votes “nay” on a robe, saying that her heavy black polyester Harvard robe would smother her.

I agree.
That’s where you have to get creative. A white cotton alb is one idea (if that’s not too Catholic for you), or having a simple white cotton robe made is another smart option. All those summer wedding fees you’ll be getting will easily pay for it.

When preaching in hot box churches last summer, I wore a lined, light silk/poly skirt of knee length in a muted brown and aqua blue pattern (expensive and worth every penny) and a sleeveless white blouse under a beautiful aqua blue blazer with 3/4 length sleeves. A triple strand of pearls dressed it all up. Was I cool and comfortable? No. But I went bare-legged and wore creamy brown pointy Bandolino pumps and tanned my legs with Coppertone foam, and the bare legs helped with temperature management. I know it’s not really appropriate to preach in bare legs, but neither is looking like a half-drowned puppy by the time you pronounce the benediction.
I did obsess about it a bit, wondering if God loves modesty more than He loves my well-toned calves. They’re the only well-toned part of my body, so I did a novena for vanity and went out bare-legged anyway.

PeaceBang ALWAYS has a freshly laundered and pressed small white cotton hankie in her pocket, which she uses to delicately dab away any moisture. Remember, ladies don’t sweat; they glisten.
Only in congregations where you are well known and loved can you say, “Oy, am I schvitzing up here!”

Secret fact: PeaceBang keeps a hair dryer in her office so she can blow dry before coffee hour.
This is highly secret. Please do not reveal this highly secret secret to anyone. I do not expect to be teased for this highly secret secret when I see you, nor do I expect those of you who attend my church to make finger guns and point them at your heads on Sunday morning while laughing and making blow-dryer noises. I know you will never insult my inherent worth and dignity like that.

I preached at an ordination last summer for which a robe was an absolute necessity, so I wore a dressy cotton ankle length skirt, a shell, and a very light gauzy garment I bought from Lord & Taylor that looks just like a preaching robe. I wore a stole over it and no one was the wiser. I was soaked by the end of the service but at least the skirt hid the rivulets going down my legs (in addition to the sanctuary being hellishly hot — my own fault, since I had been unable to find any other available date to preach this ordination and committed to an August evening — they had SPOTLIGHTS on the dais!).

Be creative. Find the lightest, flowiest fabrics you can find, but make sure things fit. Light and flowy does not mean that we can’t find you under yards of fabric. Avoid floral designs, unless it’s a tie. Keep the lines simple. Gentlemen, a t-shirt under a nicely ironed cotton dress shirt will help soak up some of the sweat. Powder down beforehand.

And darlings, if you fake tan your legs, DO IT THE DAY BEFORE. The instructions on my favorite Coppertone product advise not to bathe within three hours of applying the product. Well, it never occurred to PeaceBang that preaching in June in an un-air-conditioned New England church would generate the equivalent moisture factor of a shower, but she learned her lesson the hard way when she appeared at coffee hour with striped brown and white legs.

Someone used to make a marvelous product called Summer Sheer, which was a very lightweight pantyhose. WHY did they stop making them? They were great!

PeaceBang recommends:

Summer Sheer hose, if you can find them.
Creative robing options in white cotton.
A crisp white cotton hankie on your person at all times.
Johnson & Johnson’s Corn Starch Baby Powder.
Clean lines, lightweight fabrics and bare, tanned and toned legs if you’re wearing anything less than calf-length skirts.
Closed-toed shoes in the pulpit or at weddings, because just because Jesus did his ministry in sandals doesn’t mean that you can.

P.S. While searching for Summer Sheer pantyhose, I found this web site. It didn’t give me what I was looking for but if you have a leg fetish it will certainly give you what you’re looking for. For the love of God, don’t peruse this at church, people:
http://www.stockingstore.com/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWCATS&Category=27

She Dit-Int

Brit-Brit,
about your baby’s chapeau: No.

Just NO. It’s like signing him up early for membership in the Dumb & Trashy Guys of America Club. No child needs that kind of advantage in life.

Ministers, neither thy nor thy children, nay, unto the thousandth generation, shall ever cover thy head in such a fashion.

Here endeth the lesson.

Buy It Anyway

I met a brand-new minister recently who asked my advice on what to wear for her first Meeting The New Church social outing.
We had such fun clucking like a couple of little hens about it.

She wrote to me today and said that she wore a black pencil skirt, a smashing pair of Anne Klein black slingbacks (bless her heart), and this sweater:

http://www.anthropologie.com/jump.jsp?itemID=10686&itemType=PRODUCT&iSubCat=266&iMainCat=11

Yes, it’s too expensive for her budget, for yours, and for mine. HOWEVAH, after spending three weeks looking for just the right thing, how much do you it was worth it to her to land this darling item and to know she looked absolutely drop-dead perfect for this important event?

The moral of the story is: if you find something you absolutely adore, that fits you beautifully and fills you with confidence and a sense that you’re dressed just right, buy the damn thing. Buy two. Because I’m telling you, you can always take on another wedding to earn some extra bucks, but you can’t always find something that exquisitely expresses the youness of you.